I realize that when I'm screaming at the universe (or traffic idiots, etc), it's for the unchangeable things. WHY don't I have my Anna? WHY did such a horrible thing happen? WHY am I miserable? WHY doesn't he love me? How could he just stop? WHY does the planet continue to revolve with me stuck on an endless escalator of crap?
Hmmm... surely I'm not feeling sorry for myself (surely, not again?)... Okay - so maybe I am. I convinced myself to post my personal ad again ... that's where I'd met the last fellow. And I told myself "It's like riding a horse, you fall off, you get up and dust yourself off and get right back on again!" Yeah, sure - only the horse turned out to be cheating on me. And telling me lies. What a horse. What an ass.
At any rate - So I post my personal ad using this photo - with help from friends - working on how it sounds, how it makes ME sound (not too needy, not too pushy - Just Right, Goldilocks), trying to get a good title. My friends wanted to hear what some of the other ads have for a title... "Hi" "Hello" "R U the 1 4 me?" ... Knowing me and wanting to be helpful, their best suggestion was "Ho Ho Ho" --- keeping a holiday theme, making it clear that I'm in favor of lots of affection... It's just intimidating - some person is going to look at my picture and read my info and think, "What a nutcase?!" or "Gee, I want to know more about her!" or "No wonder she's single!" .....
After posting my ad, I've gotten over a dozen "views" - that means someone actually went to the vast trouble of clicking on my profile whether or not they read it... Not a one of the viewers left me a message. So it's rejection by proxy. I don't know what it is about me that turned them away. I clearly state I'm a bleeding heart liberal because I don't want to argue politics constantly. I clearly state I'm agnostic because I won't go to church with anyone. I say I like books and movies - which I do - does it make me look dull and boring? Oh well. It's like an itchy pair of underwear: Your only alternative is to go without --- you're constantly aware of how it feels -- you just wish you could find the exactly, right, perfectly fitting pair to last the rest of your life (with laundering, of course). But you get the idea.
Maybe if I cry and scream and stomp my feet? Maybe threaten to hold my breath?
Hmmm... surely I'm not feeling sorry for myself (surely, not again?)... Okay - so maybe I am. I convinced myself to post my personal ad again ... that's where I'd met the last fellow. And I told myself "It's like riding a horse, you fall off, you get up and dust yourself off and get right back on again!" Yeah, sure - only the horse turned out to be cheating on me. And telling me lies. What a horse. What an ass.
At any rate - So I post my personal ad using this photo - with help from friends - working on how it sounds, how it makes ME sound (not too needy, not too pushy - Just Right, Goldilocks), trying to get a good title. My friends wanted to hear what some of the other ads have for a title... "Hi" "Hello" "R U the 1 4 me?" ... Knowing me and wanting to be helpful, their best suggestion was "Ho Ho Ho" --- keeping a holiday theme, making it clear that I'm in favor of lots of affection... It's just intimidating - some person is going to look at my picture and read my info and think, "What a nutcase?!" or "Gee, I want to know more about her!" or "No wonder she's single!" .....
After posting my ad, I've gotten over a dozen "views" - that means someone actually went to the vast trouble of clicking on my profile whether or not they read it... Not a one of the viewers left me a message. So it's rejection by proxy. I don't know what it is about me that turned them away. I clearly state I'm a bleeding heart liberal because I don't want to argue politics constantly. I clearly state I'm agnostic because I won't go to church with anyone. I say I like books and movies - which I do - does it make me look dull and boring? Oh well. It's like an itchy pair of underwear: Your only alternative is to go without --- you're constantly aware of how it feels -- you just wish you could find the exactly, right, perfectly fitting pair to last the rest of your life (with laundering, of course). But you get the idea.
Maybe if I cry and scream and stomp my feet? Maybe threaten to hold my breath?
1 comment:
Jenn, I like the photo. I think the blog is very good. It is sort of like fishing. When you use a hook and good bait sometimes you catch a bass and sometimes you catch a catfish! M.
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