Un-Mother's Day

So tomorrow's Mother's Day. I got to have lunch with my mom and dad and daughter & grandson today. It was fun, we laughed and talked, but someone was missing.

Next month is Anna's 20th birthday. Twenty years ago, I was humongous and pregnant, swollen and bloated. I remember wondering what it would be like to have TWO little girls - how would Jessica react to her new little sister? would I be able to manage taking care of both of them? I was so excited about the new baby. My Anna was punctual - born on her due date - June 8th, 1988. From the beginning, she was a sweet child. She smiled with her whole face - her eyes conveyed her happiness.

This will be her third birthday away from me. She will always be seventeen, she will never age and get old. She has missed so much. Elisha is four and a half now. He has missed having his Auntie Anna without even knowing it. She missed me going on my cruise all alone. I think she would've been proud of me for being brave enough to go. She has missed Jessica's life - they could've gone dancing together - Jes and Anna and Ashley. All grown up - fine young women in charge of their own lives, doing what they want - LIVING. But that didn't happen. None of it happened because it all ended December 31, 2005. My dreams and hopes for her ended.

I do still remember how she felt when I hugged her. How thick her hair was in a ponytail. How infectious her laughter was. How lost she was when Katie moved away. How she'd lay with me on the sofa to watch TV or a movie - curled up in an intertwined "S." How seriously she would take her friendships - questions posed to her by friends, she'd ponder the right thing to do. How absolutely stunningly beautiful she was - whether she was dressed up or in pjs - so beautiful.

I remember the conversation we had about boys. Unfortunately, she only had ME for a reference - and we all know what mistakes I make. She asked me if she should become the boy's "girlfriend" - or if it probably wouldn't last forever (as in marriage and kids and old age), why should she bother? I told her that I thought she'd miss out on a lot if she didn't go ahead and put her heart into what they had. Good and bad. I agreed with her, that a high school relationship was probably not the one to last her lifetime, but I advised her to go for it - go for the love. And that may have been her eventual downfall - losing the love and the amazingly intense feeling of heartbreak. I don't know what was on her mind that day. I don't think I'd feel any better if I did. Unless I could change things. And I can't.

Not a day goes by that I don't remember Anna. I wear my remembrance bracelet - I don't take it off. All I have are photographs and memories. And guilt and sadness. And loss and the greater part of me thinking I don't deserve to be happy after all. It's back to existing.

On Being Wrong

I hate being wrong. Not that it doesn't happen all the time, of course - but I hate it nonetheless. I don't like having my beliefs disproved.

Does this happen to everyone else too? Do you have your faith shaken regularly? Do you question what you believe to be true on a daily basis? Have you had god shake his fist in your face and tell you how silly you were to believe in the first place? Do you latch onto something, gladly thinking that at last you have found something good and right, only to find you were mistaken yet again?


This seems to be my life. The road my life follows. While it may seem that I find something intrinsically different which will change the direction of my life, I find myself back where I began - shaking my head in bewilderment - "Oh no! How is this possible? Why am I here again?" No matter the trail of bread crumbs I leave, I always wind up back at the beginning - bearing more scars, perhaps, feeling more disillusioned, steadfastly vowing, "Never again! I'll never go down that path again!" ha. how utterly ridiculous.

I suppose everyone says "This is always happening to me." I'm sure psychologists say we invent situations over and over - so we can learn the lesson we are missing each time. Slamming into the wall being forced to recognize my mistakes (yet again), I'd rather smack my forehead and have a V-8.

Irreparable damage is done in the name of postponing conversations. I understand the old adage about never going to bed angry - I get that one. Get all the crap out into the open so everyone can see it - can agree it exists - can then decide individually how they want to handle it. Being angry about something and refusing to tell the other person what you're angry about? Geez. Frustration. Anger. Yet I suppose it accomplishes what it sets out to do - makes everyone rein in, go to neutral corners, put up their walls to protect themselves against some unstated charge - how can you defend yourself against the rumour of an accusation? How can you protect from it happening all over again - without knowing what IT is? Are you to feel justifiably punished for whatever it is without even knowing?

Ah yes. I thought I'd found the Magic Ring. I thought I'd grown up and gotten beyond mind games. Dammit - I thought I'd finally gotten it RIGHT. And I find myself being wrong again.

CIT Volunteer Day

The company I work for, The CIT Group, encourages employees to volunteer throughout the year. They'll even pay us to volunteer for a day. So four of my co-workers and I spent today at God's Pit Crew. This organization does great work going on a moment's notice to help people cope with disasters throughout the southeastern US. They went to Gulfport MS after Katrina and to lots of other stricken areas. They do whatever is needed from rebuilding homes to cleaning and repairing buildings to handing out emergency supplies. Here's their website: http://www.thegodspitcrew.org/site/index.php.

Today, we sorted and boxed all kinds of things that have been donated to GPC so they can get the items out to people who need them. Everything from bandaids, to toothpaste, to soap, to baby products, etc etc etc. We also cleaned and organized one of their storage rooms. I found a new calling as a "labelologist" which is one who writes words in big letters on the side of a box (like "BandAids" and "HairCare") - just call me if you have boxes to be labeled - I'm REALLY good at it! Randy (our keeper) was pleased with us and said we'd gotten a lot more accomplished than he had thought we would. We worked hard and had a great time - we felt useful and helpful.

(L-R) Jennifer - Lisa - Jason - Debbie - Marsha

See -- I even needed to label the photo...