mmm...

I still find myself thinking about the man I was dating. Thought we'd get married. Thought we were compatible (except for the lying and cheating). And I'm still thinking about him all the time. What time is it? What would he be doing? Is it his workday today? Is this the layoff week? Wonder how his Thanksgiving was? Has he already met somebody new? Or is he going to pick up again with the woman I caught him with (who was an ex-girlfriend)? How could he just let me go so easily? Is it because we didn't have any big blow-up argument that I can't get him out of my mind? Is it because now I know it will be even harder to trust the next person who says nice things to me? Who can say "I love you" one minute and go to another woman the next? Who can say "I love you" and then drop me like I meant nothing at all to him? Who can have such lapses in judgement that he'd ask another woman (not this one, but a different one!) to the birthday party I'd planned and cleaned for him?

What the hell is so wrong with me? I was honest. I was faithful. I was loyal. I went to doctor's appointments with him. I cooked for him (and I don't like cooking all that much). It just hurts so much that he apparently didn't give a damn at all - ever. I was fooled. I was stupid. That's what hurts the most - that I let myself be fooled. Where do I always go wrong?