June 8, 2008

Today's Anna's 20th birthday. I've gotten emails from several folks who remember her today.

I remember the day she was born - June 8, 1988 - her due date. Nice & easy delivery compared to her sister. It was a pretty June day - not too hot. If I'd known I'd only have her for seventeen years, I think things would've been different. If she'd had a disease with a shortened life expectancy, we would've cherished moments more. But I didn't know.

I know the sound of guilt for me is a tea set rolling around the trunk of my car. It rolls and clinks around every curve and corner - I hear it and I remember my failings. When Jessica was two, we had her portrait made - fancy deal. Then when Anna came along, we (my Mom & I) took her to have HER portrait made - in the same dress. The photographer put out a tea set as a prop - and Anna was delighted to no end. She poured the pretend tea and enjoyed being the star of the photo shoot. For years after that, every time we'd drive past that photo studio, Anna would ask, "When are we going to have another tea party, Momma?"

I don't know, Anna. Why didn't we have more tea parties? Why didn't we play more? Why wasn't I a better mom to you, my sweet girl? I'm sorry. Now there's my old tea set in the trunk - and I let it roll around to remind me - so I never ever ever forget.

I miss you, my sweet, beautiful girl. I miss you so.

Happy 20th birthday.

Catching up

So what's up with me?

Hmmm... the last post that I wrote was rather dramatic, huh? I was feeling rather dramatic then. As always happens, things calmed back down. I'm amazed by people causing crises in the name of "helping" - I let myself get caught up in a bunch of nastiness, and then I had to get my life back on track (yet again). As of today - smooth sailing. Of course, winds blow storms in and there's always rough weather, but today is a smooth, calm, happy day. Knock on wood, etc.

Somewhere in all of the yuck were things said to prove to me that he isn't perfect. No kidding? Accusations that he may have issues. Wow - good thing I don't have any of THOSE! Veiled innuendos that turned truth upside down. In the name of "helping." That's okay. I think I'll try relying on myself, my own observations, the way he treats ME, etc.

Our relationship has come through the trials improved, I think. We've both learned how the other person deals with stress, arguments, anger, trust, etc. So until the next storm blows in and we have to deal with it, we're good. New & Improved, even.

Sunday is Anna's 20th birthday. Keep her in your thoughts please.