Irene's in the neighborhood

This is how the sky looked as I drove home from work around noon today. We're on the outer bands of the clouds of Irene as she batters the coast. The clouds are thick and dark, and moving SO fast. I just hope she brings us some rain - several days of steady rain.

My crochet week plan was disrupted by my inability to make a decision this week. I was so disheartened by my WW experience (staff meetings, surprise weigh-ins, driving time, etc) that I was on the verge of quitting completely. So I backed off the highly-charged emotional topic and decided to give myself another day to consider (as counseled by friends to do). That night, I was asked to cover a meeting as a Leader (which is what I really want to do). Just like that.
*poof* My attitude was completely different. Being the Leader at the meeting is very different from being the Receptionist (which I've been doing for nearly a year - but that meeting is about an hour's drive away). SO! I prepared and did the meeting - felt great about it. Don't know where that leaves me, other than, I'm not ready to quit - JUST YET!

I'm sure it's shocking to those of you who know me well to find out that I have an APP on my iPhone to schedule and track all my crochet projects - when step 1 of project B needs to be completed, etc etc etc. Go figure. This week, instead of happy little smiley faces reassuring me I'm on schedule for xmas deadlines --- I have angry little exclamation marks. "Item Past Due!" Yeah - I know. I'll get right on that. And I will - I have a FOUR DAY WEEKEND coming up next weekend. HOOOOOO-RAY!!! C will be away from Thursday til Monday - so I don't know who will be doing the cooking and cleaning around here! I will be busily crocheting away.
{For any other nerd-heads out there, if you have to keep track of multiple tasks on multiple projects - the APP is called "Complete" and it's $1.99. I ABSO-F***ING-LUTELY LOVE IT}

Stay high and dry, my friends. Or pick one or the other. Just don't drive.

Note to Self: Take your meds

As the title says: Note to Self: Self, Take your damn meds. So if you know or love or tolerate or try to understand someone on anti-depressants, this is for you too. If Self runs out of her meds - because the bottle is getting empty - maybe she can make it 3 or 4 days between a pill - make `em last longer... or when Self runs out of pills, she says, "Oh yeah - don't forget to refill the scrip!" and then forgets to refill - then calls in the refill, but forgets to pick it up... or when Self decides she's tired of letting some damn chemicals run her life and keep her from her feelings... That's when it's okay to say, "TAKE YOUR DAMN CHILL PILL!"

I don't know about everybody else. I have only my experience to base this on. For me, what happens when Self doesn't take her meds? Not anxiety - I see that as hanky-twisting, toe-tapping worrying. Depression is always right here, just below the surface (don't push too hard, or it'll push back). For me, it's RAGE. Red-hot, fire-breathing dragon of FURY. Hair-trigger switch. Zero to one-twenty in half a second. I can mope around anyday. No problem. I can usually walk away from whatever makes me angry. But when know-it-all Self runs out of meds, I get murderous. I shouldn't be allowed around people or animals. My language becomes a string of 4-letter words (with one prominent word, used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb - always with an exclamation point). With tears just beneath the fury. Choking down a sob to holler more cuss words in a blue-stream until I'm hoarse. Until Self runs completely out of energy, and I collapse.

Twice this week. Two days. Hours spent plotting how best to commit crimes, run into idiot drivers, quit my jobs and join the welfare state. If only RAGE burns calories the way it burns my heart (and that of anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves in my path).

And so now, prescription refilled and taken, I am exhausted. I promise to take it again tomorrow too. And the next day too. The hell with what Self tells me to do. If feeling my feelings really just means feeling my hurt and anger, I am better off numb.

TGIFriday

The best thing about noon on Friday is I'm that much closer to 4:00 on Friday! I have little actually PLANNED for this weekend, but I do want to make progress on my crochet projects (only four or five actively being worked on). I have to go to a WW Seminar in Lynchburg Saturday afternoon - but that means I have to go to Lynchburg where there's a Moe's and an A.C.Moore! Mexican food and yarn! YUM!

Some crafters are "process" guided, and some are "product" guided. For some of us, the pleasure is in the calming, mind-clearing repetition of stitches forming themselves into beauty. For others, it's all about the final product, then on to the next. I'd have to say that I'm right in the middle of both. My day is better when I include an hour or so (at least) of crochet. I can focus my mind on the task at hand (literally!). I watch the pattern design develop into a part of a larger part of a still larger item. Most of my WIPs (Works In Progress) are made of many smaller parts joined into sections that join into larger sections and finally join into the finished project. Then there's bordering and backing. But I definitely know how to be satisfied with the final afghan or scarf or whatever. Satisfaction = pleasure = contentment.

I had a rotten day yesterday. My afternoon at work was hair-pulling-frustration, followed by road rage, leading to a meltdown. Luckily I melted down all by myself - no one else got hit by the spatter of my fury. Then I did a strange thing: I changed into my shorts and walking shoes, and I hit the road. Perhaps the first couple of blocks, I was STOMPING more than walking, but then the heat of the day, the audiobook in my ears, the constant "one foot in front of another" took my 3-1/2 mile neighorbood loop and my rage and frustration and anxiety and fizzled it all away. By the time I got back home, all I was concerned with was a cold shower. The walk took the energy of a temper-tantrum (which is how I felt) and released the pressure valve. Best of all, after cooling down, I felt good enough to crochet!

Lovely Day

My first ever non-mentored or observed Weight Watchers meeting as a Leader was Thursday night. I talked too much. I kept the time right - no GSS - but I talked too much. I lectured. Today I did the meeting again and it was GREAT! It was a conversation between friends! I was spot on with the meeting time and the GSS time. Very happy with it. So comfortable with it. YAY!

So after WW, I picked up my favorite dynamic duo, Jes & E, and we headed out to my Mom and Dad's house. From there - we headed to Lynchburg for MOE'S and ACMoore. MY TWO FAVORITE PLACES! (besides Disneyworld - much less expensive and closer than Disney) I had the tofu salad - YUM, then I bought YARN! YIPPEE! It doesn't take much to thrill the hell out of me & today was it. It was great talking and laughing with Jes and my mom and dad - and E was a total comedian! My heart was happy and content.

Now I'm home and have played with the yarn - where to put the new stuff, move around the old stuff, etc. I finished three blocks on the project that will probably be for me. It's a granny square sampler afghan. I'm doing it in pinks and purples with aqua thrown in for fun - and for me, of course, it's a GRAMMY Square Sampler! I'm learning a new technique - well, new-to-me anyway - of joining the squares as they're made. It seemed kinda fiddly to start with, but I think I'm gonna like it.

Things to Make & Do

I love crochet. It brings a smile to my face to create something from yarn and hold it in my hand and be happy with its loveliness. And I love color. Bright colors and dark colors and neon colors and primary colors and jewel tones and earth tones - COLORS!

So I absolutely 100% endorse Adaiha's "Granny-A-Day Project." She has pictures of her squares on her website - and the beauty of the COLOR and the CROCHET make me SMILE! Go - visit - be inspired to make something beautiful today!

More Yarny Fun

I have become obsessed with my crochet projects. I only read on my lunch hour at work - I am crocheting or searching patterns or looking at lovely things on Ravelry.com. All of the Mumsies have been made for Jes' bridesmaids' bouquets. I've got three big projects underway - and they all make me smile! The biggest enabler is the Vannas Choice Fans Group on Ravelry. It is a very active, large group, and I am amazed daily at the items members post. They're the best online community I've ever found, and I've found countless patterns and projects to add to my Queue. There are swaps (usually of 9" or 12" squares) in specified colors to join - I participated in one swap based on Iris colors: purple, green, and white. I was pleased with the squares I made and mailed out all over the country, and now I'm just waiting on the last four squares to be delivered to me - then I'll just join them together for an afghan. While I enjoyed the swap very much, I realized that I didn't like the pressure to make "perfect" squares. So NOW I'm participating in two CAL's - Crochet-A-Longs. There is a set schedule to complete parts or the project to finish by a certain date. It's fun to see how other members in the group put their spin on one pattern - by use of color and techniques. The group also makes "comfortghans" for members going through tough times. For those, members volunteer to make one or two squares (in predetermined colors) and send them to the "joiner" who puts the squares together and sends it to the recipient. I've made two squares for two different comfortghans - one for a lady going through a separation that turned into divorce, and one for a lady who's father was in hospice, but he's now passed away. There is always someone there to answer technical questions - to share a good day, and a bad day. Several of the members have had their patterns published in "Interweave Crochet" or other magazines. Anyway - I'm loving it. I hate going to work, because I could spend that time crocheting!

I have two Weight Watcher meetings to LEAD this week, filling in Thursday night & Saturday morning. Nervous, but not too bad. I like telling myself that if I don't like it, I don't have to keep doing it! I can QUIT!

In the world's biggest headline from this past week: Chuck finally got a job! A full-time, NOT-TEMP job -- with BENEFITS and a pay raise and EVERYTHING! FINALLY! I definitely believe he wouldn't have done it without my bitching and pushing. Yeay me!

I'm off to crochet. of course.