As the title says: Note to Self: Self, Take your damn meds. So if you know or love or tolerate or try to understand someone on anti-depressants, this is for you too. If Self runs out of her meds - because the bottle is getting empty - maybe she can make it 3 or 4 days between a pill - make `em last longer... or when Self runs out of pills, she says, "Oh yeah - don't forget to refill the scrip!" and then forgets to refill - then calls in the refill, but forgets to pick it up... or when Self decides she's tired of letting some damn chemicals run her life and keep her from her feelings... That's when it's okay to say, "TAKE YOUR DAMN CHILL PILL!"
I don't know about everybody else. I have only my experience to base this on. For me, what happens when Self doesn't take her meds? Not anxiety - I see that as hanky-twisting, toe-tapping worrying. Depression is always right here, just below the surface (don't push too hard, or it'll push back). For me, it's RAGE. Red-hot, fire-breathing dragon of FURY. Hair-trigger switch. Zero to one-twenty in half a second. I can mope around anyday. No problem. I can usually walk away from whatever makes me angry. But when know-it-all Self runs out of meds, I get murderous. I shouldn't be allowed around people or animals. My language becomes a string of 4-letter words (with one prominent word, used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb - always with an exclamation point). With tears just beneath the fury. Choking down a sob to holler more cuss words in a blue-stream until I'm hoarse. Until Self runs completely out of energy, and I collapse.
Twice this week. Two days. Hours spent plotting how best to commit crimes, run into idiot drivers, quit my jobs and join the welfare state. If only RAGE burns calories the way it burns my heart (and that of anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves in my path).
And so now, prescription refilled and taken, I am exhausted. I promise to take it again tomorrow too. And the next day too. The hell with what Self tells me to do. If feeling my feelings really just means feeling my hurt and anger, I am better off numb.
1 comment:
I was on anti-depressents for 5 years and decided to come off (about 10 years ago). I found it had to be done VERY gradually. The first time I came off too quickly and spiraled into a depression. The second time when I did it slower and under a doctor's supervsion, it was much better. Some days I think maybe I'd be better if I was on meds but the side effects were intolerable to me (profuse sweating, vivid dreams, unable to orgasm).
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