I understand my dark heart is in a different place than most. Jessica wanted me to read 'The Shack' by William Young. She says she'd hoped I'd read it with an open mind. I tried to. Really, I did try not to hate it from the beginning. For starters, the book could've used a good editor! Pages and pages could have been deleted without affecting the story. Perhaps the Readers Digest version would be better. I read the story of Mack's family - the loss of their youngest daughter, Missy, to a serial killer - and the family members' individual ways of dealing with their loss. I empathized with them; I know that pain. I understood Mack's anger and guilt - the feeling of abandonment.
And then came the dreaded god stuff. How blah-blah-blah we're supposed to love each other, forgive each other, be in relationship with each other as god wants to be in relationship with us, blah blah blah... And the answer to Mack's honest question about god's involvement in what happened to his daughter? Yes, god could have stopped it, but didn't for reasons we can't begin to understand. oh. what revelation. what insight.
Mack had to forgive his abusive father. He had to forgive his daughter's killer. Hmmm... Let's see, for me, my daughter's killer is someone I love very much.
And for all the "birds singing, flowers blooming - all's right with god's world" imagery - that's not the world we live in. It may be the real world, but it's not the world we have to live in. That's not my world. To me, this book is just another in an endless stream of "love each other, love god, and everything will be just fine!" spiritually uplifting crap. Only this one isn't even written very well.
I feel that I'm letting Jessica down by not being able to open myself to the story. She obviously wants me to get more from this than my normal angry response. So will I always be this angry? I hear someone say that I'll be angry until I accept what's happened with Anna. Accept it? As in realize I can't change it? What is it I have to do? ... And because I lost her, I know - in a very real, moment to moment way - that I can lose EVERYTHING in an instant. Do you know that? Or do you live your life with the illusion that this ordinary day will remain ordinary? In a flash. In the blink of an eye. Think for a moment what is most dear to you - and believe in your heart that it can be snatched from you before you get to the end of this sentence. How does that make you feel? All fluffy and birds singing and flowers blooming? Oh - wouldn't it be enough reason for you to know "that it's more than you can possibly understand" ??
So I'm angry. I think the book sucked. But everyone else loves it and thinks it is a wonderful spiritually uplifting guide to healing relationships (blah blah blah).
5 comments:
Jenn,
I understand what you are saying...I think that one thing we are supposed to realize it that there are two worlds taking place at once. There is the physical world in which we live and which you pointed out is filled with pain and things that do not make sense. But there is also a metaphyscial world...a world going on that we cannot see...whether that's the "God thing" or just a spiritual realm, it does seem that there is another dimension. Perhaps in that dimension, that we cannot understand in our minds, things make better sense. Then again, maybe that is fluff to make us feel good. But in my philosophy in life, it does seem that there are many things going on at a level beyond what can be empirically experienced.
I agree that at times The Shack was a bit trite, but my thoughts are that the author is trying to take us into that spiritual world that is beyond our reason. Does that make any sense? The reality is no one really fully knows or understands this world. But I think we have to believe that such another dimension exists...there are just too many things that seem to point it out. Now whether that world is God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit...or Allah at work or Mother Nature and Father Time, I guess that takes on a different discussion and at some point requires a decision to believe in one or another based on our limited understanding.
Does that make any sense?
I appreciate your openness to read the book and honestly share your opinion of it. I think that takes an open mind in and of itself. I, too, thought some parts were a little "cheesy" for lack of a better word, but afterall Willie admitted to not being a "real writer." I think he was more of a seeker. A seeker is not a bad thing, right?
I'm crying after reading your entry, Jenn, and not sure why, other than I'm angry too, and have been for a long time, and I don't know what to do about it. I honestly don't know how to reconcile my anger, and it hurts me. Then again, maybe I don't have a right to be angry..I can't imagine losing someone I love so much to something so senseless as suicide. Then, I get angry at myself for being so self-pitying that my life hasn't been the bed of roses i'd like, that yes, there was mental/emotional abuse, molestation, but do I have a right to be angry when what others have gone through is much worse? I get so confused, but one thing I do know is, if I were this Higher Power of love and peace, could I allow bad things to happen to people, innocent children, etc.? I don't think so, so now days I don't even TRY to know what the answer is. Sometimes the UGLINESS of the world really gets to me so deeply that I feel like I will lose my mind. Won't even TRY to give you advice or try to make you feel better, 'cause, hey, I don't know what the answer is either. Im just pissed and hurt and a bunch of other stuff. I DO believe there is another dimension, but I still don't understand why there is so much hurt in the world. Gosh, hope this makes some sense..I'm not a writer. We just have to do the best we can and that's all, I suppose. Take care and remember this, I care.
Unlike Lisa I don't understand your pain. I pray I never truly understand the pain of having lost a beloved child to suicide. Please know that is a given in all my conversations with you both.
Jenn I could tell you wanted to discuss The Shack yesterday. But it didn't seem like the right place.
As far as a review of the writing I agree it is not going to win any prizes. But since I am not reading it with an expectation of literary greatness I can forgive cheesy.
The book came to me via Ashley via Jessica via Lisa so I wanted to read it sort of in fellowship, and you all know I am predisposed to love things with Spiritual insights or questions. So I was an easy sale.
As for me I definitely believe in God and a Spiritual realm. I don't understand how or why many or most things happen.
I don't believe God had a lot to do with Anna killing herself. Kind of like I told Jessica that teenage lust had more to do with her pregnancy than with God. Maybe not too supportive huh? Anyway my point and I do have one is that we all do lots of things that I believe have very little to do with God's plan or approval. Some are terminal like Anna's suicide others simply change the course of our lives.
Yet I absolutely believe God can help us create good out of any situation or choice. Obviously we all love Elisha and he is a tremendous blessing to our lives. A given. I would say we all have celebrated with gratitude many times that Jessica and Daniel created Elisha. Elisha is a direct blessing of Daniel's life.
My question is not why did God let this happen, but what can I with God create from this moment.
One of my sorrows realized at Anna's death was that I didn't get enough time with Anna. That I
didn't get to see her become a woman with her own family and career. I didn't want to miss this with Jessica. So I pray consistently to have that opportunity with the children I love. And then I set forth to do so.
That is why I am so thankful Jessica lets me share her and Elisha's life! I feel so blessed.
And you know what? It reminds me daily how blessed I am to know my bio children and grandchildren.
I finished the book thinking how I have always felt very close to God and the Holy Spirit. I realized I have not been in close relationship or connection to Jesus. So I liked the opportunity to invite myself to explore a relationship with Jesus. But that is a whole other tangent. I will gladly explore with you all if you sincerely care.
Is The Shack the big issue in your heart. Is there something more behind the dialogue?
I love you Jenn.
Ramona
Yet more. Jenn I have re-read your blog. There is so much here and so many places to enter with our hearts wide open.
You hated the book and you are angry, "blah, blah, blah." I loved the book and found it inspiring, "blah, blah, blah."
Dark Hearted Jenn and Light Hearted Ramona.....
Do you ever wonder why you love me? Me with my Little Miss Sunshine blah blah blah. You with your self proclaimed dark heart? But we know we love each other. We have loved, laughed, cried and screamed at and with each other over the years. Still we know we love each other.
We disappoint each other. We support each other. We've been there when it counted most, and we have missed the opportunity to show we care. We have turned away in anger and embraced in love. We have taken time apart for our own sanity and have come together for celebration of our wacky ways. We love each other.
So what has that got to do with your blog. Sometimes in relationship I just go back to the very basic energy of love.
Jenn you have reason to be angry, you have reason to be sad. No one has answers that can possibly make it ok that Anna is gone. And yes I know, truly I do know, that in an instant what we love most dearly can be gone. Absolutely the answer "its more than you can possibly understand" is far short from comforting to me.
For me my comfort comes from knowing that in what I can not understand nor will I ever accept as ok to have happened, I know I can accept it as it is and try to live my best life in this moment.
I trust myself with God's grace to accept it as it is and continue somehow.
Like you I can accept that what happened to Anna can not be changed. I know she is your daughter and therefore the pain is not at all comparable to mine. I believe all of us who love you desires to somehow help you live your best life now. We can not change Anna's choice but we can keep on loving each other.
For some reason you have loved a sappy birds singing, flowers blooming, love each other friend for years. Sure you think I am nuts and you are smarter than me, but still you love me.
So why do you still love me and I you? The answer is part of what I got from The Shack. My relationship with God has been kind of like ours. Real. We know that somewhere in the truth of our love for each other is hope for a better Self and surely an acceptance of ourselves.
Since my first blog I had been thinking about my relationship with Jesus. It is kind of like my relationship with someone I have known forever but haven't really invested all the energy into caring enough to push and pull in hopes of finding my best self.
So you hated the book it was too sappy and you are angry "blah, blah, blah." I loved the book and found it inspiring, "blah, blah, blah."
No, everyone doesn't like it. I, a Christian and oft called fanatic, do not care for this book. It started with a good story that descended into a dream that made no sense to me. I enjoyed it until he took a nap.
I'm not finished with it and have just taken a breather because it was taking too long to reason out statements that were intended to sound super-intelligent because they were uttered by God but only sounded as if they were a bunch of big words copied from a philosophy and science catalog of phrases.
I got lost somewhere between the moment he was in another "realm" and God was a woman of African descent. Not that it matters since Biblically speaking God is a spirit with no race or gender. So why not say that? Yes, I know, he's making a point but over simplification is boring. When a writer presumes I won't understand his/her writing without drawing me a picture, I'm insulted. So, I'm stuck in this dream that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I haven't gotten a thing from it I didn't already know. So, spiritually speaking... it wasn't for me.
Lesson 1: We are supposed to love everyone, forgive everything, and do no harm. (I already knew this.)
Lesson 2: I wasted a lot of money in the airport. (DUH, a clue.) And I do wish God had thumped me on the head before I spent it.
We don't ever get over losing a part of ourselves. We just learn to live with less of ourselves.
I'm no expert at this point. My loss began in January. You've been doing it a lot longer. I don't feel like I'll ever feel joy again. They say I will.
As always, you are in my prayers, Jenn.
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