I feel very fortunate to have people who love me like you all do. In the center of my heart, I BELIEVE you love me and care for me and want me to have the happiest life I can. Key word: Believe.
This is the line I highlighted in Lesa's book (yes, I KNOW writing in a book is very bad - especially since it's not even my book!) - this one sentence sums up my inability to "get" the real message of the book.
"Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me." -- Sarayu
I do not believe that god loves me. I believe god does not care about me - or you, for that matter. I believe god does not listen to prayer. I believe that god, the creator -- and I'm willing to accept that he/she exists -- has no individual relationship with his/her creations at all beyond setting the ball into motion. Perhaps there is momentary curiousity like, "What have those silly humans gotten themselves into now?!" or "What monstrosities humans commit in my name!" But in the core of my heart, I do not believe god cares about me, personally or individually.
My beloved Ramona asks how Darkheart can love Miss Airy-Fairy for so long? It has nothing to do with god. I have chosen to love Miss Airy-Fairy. I do believe in choices. And I believe in love and pain and joy and loss and grief and happiness and a child's laugh.
I do believe you love me, and I hope you believe I love you!
3 comments:
Jenn,
You have really hit on something here. I think this conversation is good. First, believing that God exists is a good thing. I just believe there is too much evidence to deny that.
BUT the real crux of the matter, is does he care about his creation? I, like you, have asked myself this many times. And if God does love me, how could he allow such horrific suffering. Many people have told me that when I understand how much he loves me, I will be able to trust him. It is very interesting to see that is the line you highlighted in "our" book.
I admit to struggling with this. I wish I had a great philosophical answer...something truly based in fact and history. But I am reminded of my own little history...Maybe it was just an experience...but I was a miserable, confused 17 year old who was living as far from God and goodness as I could, and suddenly I said to Him one day...If you are real and if you care, I will trust you with my life. Jenn, from that day on...miracles happened in my life. I met Dan, we had "Little House on the Prairie"...blah, blah, blah. I begin to see things with new eyes and a new faith in the world. Everything was always perfect, but I somehow trusted His love. THEN...when Daniel left...I couldn't understand it. I still cannot. Why would a loving God allow something like that to enter my life?
But I still go back and I think...what if there had never been a change in my life. What if I had never had a precious Daniel? Really what did I ever do to deserve such a gift anyway. And what if this life is just a blip and Daniel and Anna really are just a few steps ahead of us...in the real life that goes on forever.
Oh I could go on forever...but basically, I did come to the decision that the God I had believed in hadn't lied to me. In the Bible, he never promises a "rose garden." In fact, he says there will be suffering in this world.
So I am somewhere in between now...trying to believe that He loves me, but wondering how that love can allow such pain.
And I know that we are not the only ones to ask these questions...History does bear that out. Many have suffered and many are still suffering. So either is a sadistic creator OR there is a great purpose. I am trying to believe and trust in the latter. But it does not come easy anymore...
Thank you for your posts...I have not voiced many of these thoughts before although they go around in my head and my heart.
Maybe it was a Freudian slip, but I meant to say (in paragraph 2)...Everything was NOT always perfect.
I agree this conversation is worthy of our energy.
I too loved the line;
"Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me." -- Sarayu
I know God loves me but I never expected God to make my life perfect. I never believed that I had the power to bargain with God by being good enough or doing the right things or even accepting Jesus to get my wish list or even his promise to make all things right.
Now I have cried out in anger to God. I have stomped my feet and yelled at the seemingly injustices of life. But I trust God to be big enough to hang in here with me. I have learned that when I am thankful and praising of God I feel better and closer to God.
But I am the one that kept a long list of all the reasons I loved Danny so if he really pissed me off I could remind myself why I ever decided he was worthy of my love.
I guess somehow I see my relationship with God pretty much like I see my relationship with the people I love. Only with God I am aware he is greater than our individual expressions of love.
He is greater than the sum of all our love. He is the source of all love.
We ask whether God cares about us. I choose to believe he does care. He just doesn't control our lives. We have free will to create joy and suffering. We also live in relationship with others who have free will and sometimes their choices greatly impact our joy and suffering.
I don't know. I truly don't know the answers, even though I may state my belief so strongly and declare the Gospel according to Ramona to be true.
When I come to the place of not knowing I go back to what I do know. I know Anna and Daniel were loved. I know they loved you.
I know God did not stop them. I know God did not leave me. They left us and we became fearful that all goodness had left us too, or that we would not be able to live with the reality that all good and love can be taken from us. It is true like Jenn said in a moment all can be changed. Yet we can not let the fear of that moment take our joy in this moment.
I am so thankful that you have made the choice to love me! I am thankful to have this conversation. I love you.
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