Another day

I just finished reading Still Alice by Lisa Genova. I still have tears in my eyes. The fictional story is of Alice, a woman just turned 50, a Harvard professor of psychology and linguistics, a wife and mother of 3 grown children, and her diagnosis with early-onset Alzheimer's disease. Heart-breaking. Absolutely heart-breaking. And the most terrifying novel I've ever read - because I kept saying, "That could be me." You've gotta read this book.

My tears are closer to the surface than usual lately. You'd think I would learn that the weeks between Mothers Day and Anna's birthday are horrible for me. For some reason, this morning I launched into a long monologue directed at Chuck of some of my blurry memories of the days and weeks just after Anna left us. I had to keep saying, "I barely remember this..." and "I was in a fog when this happened..." Those first days and weeks are hazy, at best. I suppose that's a good thing, because if those days were in focus, if they were sharper or clearer, I would lend more importance to them. As they are, I tend to dismiss the memories of those days as pain-filled, dark gray hours I endured.

I remember Ashley feeding me chicken salad sandwiches. I remember looking to Ramona and Cindy for direction. I remember standing on the carport smoking a lot. (I miss smoking!) I remember people I know coming to visit - one at a time in my head, not as a group. I remember my mom and dad being there, my sister - everybody trying not to lose control for fear of causing an avalanche of emotion. As if it could be held back by force of will.

At any rate, Anna's 21st birthday is next Monday. I want to mark the day in some special way, and I open suggestions. Anyone wanting to take me on a cruise is encouraged to contact me ASAP!