The day before Black Friday

Yes, I'm taking sodas and paper plates...

and responsible for pecan pies and dinner rolls.

Early in the morning

Part of my life is working from 7am til 4pm every Monday through Friday. For me, getting to work by seven means that I'm up at ten after six, shower, dress and out the door. No lollygagging around - no breakfast, no TV, no coffee, nothing but up - stagger to the shower and hope to wake up.

Putting aside my semi-catatonic state while driving to work, I do occasionally notice the world around me. If I had my choice, I'd enjoy a lovely sunset and sleep through the sunrise. But I don't get my choice. However, I do get to experience a lovely sunrise some days...

Bleak house

Is it just me? Does the change in seasons from mild, golden sunny days to gray, cold days make anyone feel good? Combine that I found out the fellow I'd dated for nine months was seeing someone else - so the relationship ended ... with cold, gray weather... with the coming of yet another holiday season alone, on my own... with the anniversary of the loss of Anna in December .... with the surrounding world in chaos economically...

AUGH!

It just feels too overwhelming and too dark and depressing for words! Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? President-elect Obama faces a huge pile of crap leftover from the Bushies - it may prove insurmountable. NPR's daily "Money" podcast is filled with gloom and doom - nothing positive on any horizon.

On the + side ... Ramona has invited me to join her family for Thanksgiving so I don't have to spend it alone. Jes & Elisha will be there too... The Oakland Raiders finally won a game... I get FOUR days off in a row... it's only four months til spring...

Gambling...

A podcast I was listening to the other day was talking about the science of gambling - and the psychology of gambling -- what casinos do to keep people at the tables or slot machines.

One statistic they'd uncovered was extremely close to my heart as I listened. Apparently, someone has done research and discovered that "losing hurts twice as bad as gaining feels good." It made me cry sitting at my desk, working & listening to my iPod. The truth of that statement in my life. Oh yes - I agree. That's very, very true.

When things are good, everything has its golden halo around it - you're more comfortable in your own skin. You feel happy and content, satisfied - a generally all-around good feeling. Lying next to someone in bed, knowing you are loved - the security and warmth you have. And all through the good feelings, you can carry on with life - you can make grocery lists and make plans, talk to friends (there's so much good to say!), and go through the day with a goofy grin and mellow heart.

But when things go badly, it's different. You can't feel anything else but BAD - sad, angry, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, lost, bereft... all bad, bad, bad. There is no light, only darkness. There is no room for anything else. And it is at least twice as bad as the good feels. Why make plans or lists? to what purpose? Why talk to anyone - who wants to listen to the same sad story? Oh, not again. So the pit beckons with its promise to hold you closely, keep you company when there is no one else. That dear, dear pit of depression. What a wonderful place to visit. I know I can't stay, but I believe I will spend some time with my one, true companion who I can always depend on.

I miss my Anna...

"There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance.” --Gilbert Parker

The joke's on me

Live and learn, I suppose. Went to surprise the bf and offer to take him out to lunch for helping me with some house repairs today ... and he had another woman there. teehee - go figure. So much for that.

My idea of a vacation...

boobs

Living on the River

I feel fortunate to live in a city on a river. I cross the Dan River every day going to work - and nearly every day I'm struck by its beauty. Sometimes calm and sluggish - sometimes fast and overflowing its banks ... Sometimes muddy brown or orange, sometimes blue or green ... It is as individual in its moods as any woman, as strong as any man. I often take it for granted. Today we took a long walk on the "Riverwalk" - crossed a footbridge over the river, walked the path beside the river - peaceful, powerful, beautiful. Not taken for granted today. There were geese and ducks. Maybe in my next life, I'll be a duck. Flying south for the winter -- paddling around on the water. If I'm not a bear, I'll be a duck.

We even got to see a train & wave at the conductor.

By the time we crossed the bridge back to the car, Maggie & I were both dragging. Ready for a nap!

An Historic Day!

When I think about this election, I can't help but think of my dear therapist, Glen. During the gloom following Anna's leaving, I couldn't see anything worth living for. What positive thing did the future hold? This was the January - February - March 2006. Gray. Sad. Horrible, tear-filled days and nights. Why continue to live? I came to the conclusion that I couldn't add "Mother" to Jessica's list of people she'd lost to suicide ("husband and sister" being quite enough for one person's lifetime). So there. I was stuck. I had to keep existing. And I'd sit on Glen's couch and wail and cry and moan and groan. Jessica and Elisha didn't NEED me for anything in particular - no one did. I was faced with days and days of working, off time to sleep. That was my life. (Still is for a good portion) And Glen would listen. He helped me through somehow. He let me cuss and scream and cry and feel sorry for myself.

One day he did seem rather pleased with himself. He had an answer for my complaint of what was there to live for. The date, he said, was November 4th, 2008. An impossibly long way away when he told me - over two years away. Did I know what would happen that day? Not his birthday. Not when he'd get to retire or take a fabulous vacation. What could it be?

It would be the day George Bush would no longer be president. "But the new president won't be inaugurated until the following January" I protested. "Yes, but he will know that the country is sick and tired of him, and he will be OUT!"

What can I say? Glen was right. I am glad for the United States of America that change is coming. I am glad that Virginia went Democratic for the first time since LBJ. I am glad for Jessica and Elisha - this country may start to mend now. Thanks Glen. We made it.