{My sister is sure the real non-sweating, couch potato Jennifer has been replaced by the aliens' pod person.}
I started Weight Watchers to lose weight & be able to get my beautiful ring comfortably on my fat sausage-link fingers. I started walking to help the Weight Watchers. I've started the Couch to 5K run/walking to speed up the Weight Watchers results.
Then what? The Couch to 5K is nine weeks. I'm on week four now, and I've signed up as a "runner" for a 5K on June 19th. If you sign up as a "walker," you're not supposed to run at all - throws the times all out of whack. So I signed up as a runner, intending to do a combination of running & walking. Or jogging and walking. Maybe it's called a "trot." Isn't that what those horses in the harness races do? Yeah - that's about my speed.
I'm less than five pounds away from my weight goal. So that is within my slimmer fingers' grasp almost.
So after the Couch to 5K week nine. After the WW goal is reached. Then what? I've heard that setting goals is important, and I guess I've been pretty good about that so far this trip. But then what? "Maintain" isn't a realistic goal. Suggestions???
A part of me is TERRIFIED of gaining the weight right back. It's happened before! Why not again? What's different? I'm still fat in my head. I smile and say, "Thank you!" to the compliments on how much better I look physically. I know that I do - but inside my head I hear, "Yeah - they THINK you look better - good thing they can't see you naked! That fat belly!" Never good enough. Never enough. I haven't really challenged myself this weight journey - I know it LOOKS like I have, but I really haven't. I've been too afraid I would get discouraged, frustrated, angry, whatever and just quit. Wouldn't be the first time!
I remember thinking in my MUCH younger days that perhaps I could follow in my mom's running shoes. This was after I had Anna and had lost my weight. I went for a teeny, tiny little run around the neighborhood. When I came back, I proudly said to my husband, "Guess what! I ran! I really ran!!" He answered, "I know - I could feel the ground shaking." It's a good line - but I didn't appreciate it & I did not even THINK about running again until now - twenty-some years later.
My bitchy inner critic is always there. I don't have the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. I just have the bitch-me-voice constantly. I've been counting my WW "points" now for almost sixteen weeks. Tonight, I had used 19 of my 21 points for the day, and I was considering a snack. That bitch-voice laid into me "You know you've probably cheated somewhere today! You didn't exercise - it's your day off, lazy ass!" Will I always have her in my head? She is certain that I will backslide. She is confident I will screw up, give up, quit quit quit. That's part of why I'm making no guarantees, no promises. We'll just have to wait and see who's right.
1 comment:
You need to tell that nasty voice that you've been through the worst and nothing she can say will come close to that. Look how far you've come and what you've endured! You have survived far worse so what does SHE know!
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