I find myself waking up around 4 in the morning and lying awake - thinking and thinking and thinking... things like: how am I going to afford christmas? how am I going to afford my real estate taxes? what on earth can I get my mom & dad? wonder how my surgery is going to go? how much will they make me pay up front for the surgery at Duke? what should I get Jessica? how am I going to afford christmas? and on and on... then I'll move on to my list of life failures: the multitude of ways I failed Anna - how I failed Jessica - what a rotten mom and grammy I am ... how selfish I am...
I don't "wish I'd done that differently" about stuff. It's done. I did what I did. Most of which was wrong - but I did it and there's no changing anything. I didn't realize I wouldn't have the time to "make things better" for Anna. I was just making it day to day. I didn't know my days with her would run out too soon.
4am turns into 6am. I still lie there with my thoughts flying around like 2yearolds running remote controlled airplanes. Zoom! Why did I do that? Zoom! What a mess I made of everything. Crash!
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