Vacating

Why is it that wherever I go, I always see Anna? I don't see my parents, or my sister, or Jessica or Elisha. Occasionally I will see an Ashley - the hair, I suppose, is so striking.

But there I was relaxing on the beach, trying to decide whether to pick my book up again (finished "Lush Life" by Richard Price today - very good... started Wally Lamb's "The Hour I First Believed" doorstop giant of a book, already loving it) - okay - should I read? or go stand in the surf? or take a nap? or take a stroll? or go play in the choppy waves? When there she was. Anna. Pre-puberty Anna. She was enjoying herself, going between looking for shells, skipping through the surf, and generally being lovely.

Is it that I'm always looking for Anna? I don't think so. I just see her everywhere. My heart stops beating when I see her, then starts up again when I see whatever it is that reassures me that, "No, that's not Anna." I see her walk. I see her hair. I see her lanky body going from little girl to young woman.

Today's Anna was with her family - mom, pop, and a sister/friend. They looked so happy together. I remember how easy it was - whatcha gonna do next? I found myself having to stop myself from going up to the mom to say, "Is this your daughter? Do you know what a treasure you have? Why aren't you holding her right this minute? Hug her!! Hold her safe - right NOW! Do you appreciate every minute you have with her? Do you know how fast this family you have could be gone? DO YOU KNOW!??? " But I figured I didn't want the lifeguards to call the cops on the crazy lady on the beach. So I just sent the mom my message by ESP.

I wanted to hear the Anna's voice too. But I was too far away - and didn't trust myself to get any closer. I wondered if she sounded like Anna too. I wanted to talk to her. And say... what? "Hi there! I'm a crazy woman on the beach. You look just like my daughter, Anna. My beautiful Anna. That I don't have anymore. Can I hug you and see if it feels like hugging her did? See if you smell like she did?"

But I didn't do any of those outwardly looney things. I just sat there on my blanket being insane in my head. It's a lot safer that way. Angry at myself for still being like this. Every where I go. So I wonder, would it be better or worse if I didn't see these phantom Annas? Probably worse not to see her. Because in some small way, even though it stirs up all my sadness and grief and loss, I did connect with her today. Somehow, for a very short while, I was as close as I will ever get to my Anna again. {Please keep you 'wait til heaven' bullshit comments to yourself.} Even though this wasn't MY Anna, she was today's Anna. And I suppose I'm grateful for that after all.