Un-Mother's Day

So tomorrow's Mother's Day. I got to have lunch with my mom and dad and daughter & grandson today. It was fun, we laughed and talked, but someone was missing.

Next month is Anna's 20th birthday. Twenty years ago, I was humongous and pregnant, swollen and bloated. I remember wondering what it would be like to have TWO little girls - how would Jessica react to her new little sister? would I be able to manage taking care of both of them? I was so excited about the new baby. My Anna was punctual - born on her due date - June 8th, 1988. From the beginning, she was a sweet child. She smiled with her whole face - her eyes conveyed her happiness.

This will be her third birthday away from me. She will always be seventeen, she will never age and get old. She has missed so much. Elisha is four and a half now. He has missed having his Auntie Anna without even knowing it. She missed me going on my cruise all alone. I think she would've been proud of me for being brave enough to go. She has missed Jessica's life - they could've gone dancing together - Jes and Anna and Ashley. All grown up - fine young women in charge of their own lives, doing what they want - LIVING. But that didn't happen. None of it happened because it all ended December 31, 2005. My dreams and hopes for her ended.

I do still remember how she felt when I hugged her. How thick her hair was in a ponytail. How infectious her laughter was. How lost she was when Katie moved away. How she'd lay with me on the sofa to watch TV or a movie - curled up in an intertwined "S." How seriously she would take her friendships - questions posed to her by friends, she'd ponder the right thing to do. How absolutely stunningly beautiful she was - whether she was dressed up or in pjs - so beautiful.

I remember the conversation we had about boys. Unfortunately, she only had ME for a reference - and we all know what mistakes I make. She asked me if she should become the boy's "girlfriend" - or if it probably wouldn't last forever (as in marriage and kids and old age), why should she bother? I told her that I thought she'd miss out on a lot if she didn't go ahead and put her heart into what they had. Good and bad. I agreed with her, that a high school relationship was probably not the one to last her lifetime, but I advised her to go for it - go for the love. And that may have been her eventual downfall - losing the love and the amazingly intense feeling of heartbreak. I don't know what was on her mind that day. I don't think I'd feel any better if I did. Unless I could change things. And I can't.

Not a day goes by that I don't remember Anna. I wear my remembrance bracelet - I don't take it off. All I have are photographs and memories. And guilt and sadness. And loss and the greater part of me thinking I don't deserve to be happy after all. It's back to existing.