Today's Anna's 20th birthday. I've gotten emails from several folks who remember her today.
I remember the day she was born - June 8, 1988 - her due date. Nice & easy delivery compared to her sister. It was a pretty June day - not too hot. If I'd known I'd only have her for seventeen years, I think things would've been different. If she'd had a disease with a shortened life expectancy, we would've cherished moments more. But I didn't know.
I know the sound of guilt for me is a tea set rolling around the trunk of my car. It rolls and clinks around every curve and corner - I hear it and I remember my failings. When Jessica was two, we had her portrait made - fancy deal. Then when Anna came along, we (my Mom & I) took her to have HER portrait made - in the same dress. The photographer put out a tea set as a prop - and Anna was delighted to no end. She poured the pretend tea and enjoyed being the star of the photo shoot. For years after that, every time we'd drive past that photo studio, Anna would ask, "When are we going to have another tea party, Momma?"
I don't know, Anna. Why didn't we have more tea parties? Why didn't we play more? Why wasn't I a better mom to you, my sweet girl? I'm sorry. Now there's my old tea set in the trunk - and I let it roll around to remind me - so I never ever ever forget.
I miss you, my sweet, beautiful girl. I miss you so.
Happy 20th birthday.
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