Un-Grinch-ifying

For the past forever since we lost Anna, I've felt very much the Grinch. Only there was no frame-breaking heart-growing for me. I stayed mean and broken and sad and wished the calendar would fly straight from Thanksgiving to Mid-March. No holiday to remind me what I was missing. No anniversary of the loss that forever changed our lives.

However. I think perhaps my heart is less broken now. It's not bursting out of it's x-ray frame, but I imagine a heart taped back together - missing a few pieces that are gone forever, struggling to endure.
It's hard to say where the tape and bandaid came from. Part is the joy in my heart in seeing my Jessica happily married to James. I do so want her happiness in life. And Elisha is a happy boy too - James has made their family more complete. Part is the contentment I've found in my relationship with Chuck. We've been together nearly three years, but something inside me changed when we got married. I've surrendered some of the burden of responsibility I've felt FOR EVERYTHING. And letting go of that has lightened my heart, I suppose. I still have times when my guilt and shame and sadness and anger and hopelessness return to visit me, but it's not so bad (Better living through chemicals helps). I've grown very accustomed to the weight of all that.

I wish I had more memories. Many of my memories of my babies is shuffled and confused - I know ONE of them did that - or said that - but I don't remember which. I wish I had more memories to cover myself up with. Good memories. But most of what I have left are the memories of my teenager Anna. So - if you're reading this, and you have little ones - GO NOW! Make a memory. Sit on the sofa and hold them - smell them - feel their hair and their skin. Make as many memories as you can. In years to come, no matter how they leave you - your memories will be all you have. Go. Now.