The season has begun... the bad & the ugly

The dreaded season between Thanksgiving and NewYears has begun.

I find myself waking up around 4 in the morning and lying awake - thinking and thinking and thinking... things like: how am I going to afford christmas? how am I going to afford my real estate taxes? what on earth can I get my mom & dad? wonder how my surgery is going to go? how much will they make me pay up front for the surgery at Duke? what should I get Jessica? how am I going to afford christmas? and on and on... then I'll move on to my list of life failures: the multitude of ways I failed Anna - how I failed Jessica - what a rotten mom and grammy I am ... how selfish I am...

I don't "wish I'd done that differently" about stuff. It's done. I did what I did. Most of which was wrong - but I did it and there's no changing anything. I didn't realize I wouldn't have the time to "make things better" for Anna. I was just making it day to day. I didn't know my days with her would run out too soon.

4am turns into 6am. I still lie there with my thoughts flying around like 2yearolds running remote controlled airplanes. Zoom! Why did I do that? Zoom! What a mess I made of everything. Crash!

Ida believe the river's up...

Leftovers from three days STRAIGHT of rain from Ida... This one is from today - the sky is some funny color? Blue???

These are from down on the bike path by the river. The path is closed (obviously) as it's under a coupla feet of water.

miscellaneous

dreams - I've been remembering a lot of my dreams lately. I haven't been sleeping all that well, waking up a lot which is why, I suppose. Today was my Duke appt - but I woke up at 3a.m. two days ago in a panic "I forgot to go to DUKE!!!!!" and it was probably a full minute before I got awake enough to tell myself to calm down. Also - my last trip to Duke was 22 years ago - I had to have an amniocentesis when I was pregnant with Anna. I guess my subconscious has been pulling that back up, because I've dreamed I was back in those days several times. Once I was back in the house we were living in back then, with that husband. In another one, I was in the car with that husband back then and we were driving. In neither dream did the man talk - at all. Which was normal (he's not a conversationalist) at the same time being a good thing - when he does talk to me, it drives me mad. And there's a snippet of a dream with Anna and Jessica running around the backyard like they did when they were little - it was a sunny day - that was a very warm dream-ette.

nanowrimo - November, the month of writing a novel, is upon us. I spent the month of October trying to come up with an idea. Characters. a plot. I thought about books I enjoy reading - a wide spectrum including fantasy, sci fi, stephen king's horror, neil gaiman, michael chabon. My favorites are extremely well-plotted, normal-guy-in-extraordinary-circumstances stories. I don't have a story. I don't have any extraordinary circumstances that I want to throw characters into. I like to read. No - more than that - I LOVE TO READ. I surrender my idea of being the next Stephanie King. I can devote my energies to the books I love without wishing I could come up with some idea. It's kinda like the way I can watch the cooking shows without thinking I should be Top Chef. I feel relieved.

travel thoughts - I've spent many hours on the road lately. We took a pre-Duke trip last Saturday to find out where we were going. Then we went down for the real thing today. At this stage in my life, I'm comfortable with silence. There was a time when I thought every minute had to be filled with talk, how are you FEELING?, what are youTHINKING? Now, I am perfectly happy with long periods of just road noises. I like being able to filter through all the random crap that flows through my brain. This bf likes to drive, so I get ride for a change - which is great. I have voyeuristic tendencies, because I love looking in lighted windows, seeing what's going on in other people's lives - wondering who they are, how they live. I have to go back to Duke for pre-admit stuff on Dec 3rd, and I'm looking forward to the ride.

thanksgiving - what's the plan? tacos, anyone?

Happy Howl-o-ween

E is John Lennon (not Harry Potter like crazy old Grammy guessed!)

My absolute favorite trick-or-treaters!

Those Richardson/Bradshaw kids sure are handsome/lovely.

See - hint hint, the peace sign...

Okay - HINT HINT - See Jessica's shirt!!

Thanks for coming to visit me!

As promised... books on shelves

Finally, I put my boxes of books up on my "made for me" bookshelves on either side of the "new to me" TV from my folks. Ya-hooo!
I've been watching football downstairs on that TV since I can actually see the ball. I find my attention drifting to how super the shelves look, and how great my room has finally come together. The flood was July 9th, and today, I'm done.

Me vs. the medical community...

My frustration with the medical system is at an all time high. I feel like a ping-pong ball sent back and forth between doctors, with increasingly dire diagnoses, and patient care coming to a basic halt. I’m so very frustrated at what’s happening and NOT happening to me.

The chronology –
April 9th Annual OB appt – Dr Lahti sent me to Dr Mahmoud due to increased hormone levels (no big deal)
June 23rd Appt with Dr Mahmoud was cancelled – no one contacted me to reschedule – I found out the appt was cancelled when I called to confirm the appt.
Sept 15th Rescheduled with Dr Mahmoud who sent me for blood work
Sept 30th Dr Mahmoud’s concerns with blood work results, ordered CT Scan & sonogram; Sent me back to Dr Lahti – now concerned with “mass” on left ovary
Oct 28th Dr Lahti’s concerns to send me to Duke
Nov 11th Consultation appt at Duke OB/Oncology dept

After speaking to the Duke OB/Oncologist office, surgeries are backed up with liklihood of any possible surgery AFTER Christmas. I realize nothing can or will be done about this. I’m just terribly frustrated. If I could remove the ovary, I would. If there were a WalMart surgery, I’d have it. Just take it out NOW – why make me wait two or three months – to give whatever it is plenty of time to spread? How am I supposed to feel about this? Furious and frustrated - which are my emotions of choice. I need to take a deep breath and get over it.

Mabry Mill

Unlike me, my bf thinks we should actually DO something on the weekend. To me, "doing nothing" is perfectly acceptable pasttime for Sundays. There are football games to watch, naps to take, popcorn to munch while watching football games in between naps...

This past Sunday, he talked me into going up to Mabry Mill on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Sounded like a good plan - he was going to drive, so I could still nap if necessary. Since Sunday was the NASCAR race in Martinsville (which was on our way), we played "How many state troopers can you count?" - much like "I Spy" only easier, because they were everywhere. In less than an hour, we had passed five of the sneaks lying in wait for unsuspecting speeders.

To get to the Mill, we had to go up Lover's Leap. For those of you who haven't had the immense pleasure of driving up a mountain, back and forth on severely sharp curvy steep roads, let me say that it made me sick. Thank goodness, I never got all the way seasick, I got a constant yucky headache that made it more 'enduro-driving' than fun. The Blue Ridge Parkway is well known for the beautiful foliage displays. I think we missed them by about two weeks. Ohwell. A leaf is a leaf. Here's the Mill. {I confess, with my head hurting as it was, I felt like, BIG DEAL!}

The bf was great about stopping at roadside stands. We never did buy any of the pumpkins, apples, gourds or gi-normous cabbages. And forgot all about finding the yarn shop I was supposed to be looking for! I am glad we went and enjoyed a lovely, clear, crisp fall day. Especially after the half Dramamine I took - I slept about four hours straight. Now THAT's a good nap!