Gala Birthday Weekend - Part TWO - Carolina Panthers

For part of my birthday present, *** took me to the Carolina Panthers vs. Atlanta Falcons game, Sunday 9/28. I'd never been to a PRO football game. I wasn't sure if I'd have a good time, if the seats would be decent, if it would be any fun, if I'd rather just watch the game on TV!

Well. I had a GRAND time! We had no traveling problems, got to the Bank of America Stadium in Charlotte, NC in plenty of time. *** didn't remember me telling him I'm afraid of heights, so when we first got there and found our seats - it took me a good five or ten minutes of holding on VERY tight to be sure I wouldn't just topple over and fall all the way down. This was one of the first times I was able to actually look down - before most of the fans had arrived. They were still out in the parking lots having lunch! This pic is pregame.

How high were the seats? All seats had anti-nosebleed kits. We were in the end zone - highest section. In this pic, our seats would be just under the sign - in the nice, shady section (toward the right of center endzone). After the stadium filled up, my "falling down"-heights thing was all better, and by the end of the game, I was jumping up and down like the rest of the fans. Our neighbors were nice and loud and fun to be around. They had their own cheers (What'd we get? FIRST DOWN! What'd'ya want? TOUCHDOWN!! wooo-hooo!!!) and were very friendly. I didn't feel like I missed anything - we were directly across from one of the big screens - just catch the instant replay. It was great, wonderful fun.

It was a perfect fall day for football. And thanks to their OUTSTANDING defense, Panthers won 24-9. *** says it was their quarterback, Jake Delhomme, who won the game - he did have an excellent day - but I think it was a combination of the fans (including ME!) screaming and cheering, along with the defense, and the offense. Okay - so it was mostly us fans! And - because I haven't mentioned Anna in this Gala Birthday Celebration - I just want you to know - I still see her everywhere. This girl was about four rows down from us... look familiar? This was my third birthday without Anna - which means more than how old I am (51, now). This Jennifer is Three.
Thanks to all of you who have held my hand and helped me make it this far.

Gala Birthday weekend 2008 - Part ONE - My Special Birthday Visitor!!

Because Ashley is a direct, personal friend of Barack Obama, he emailed her to invite her to Greensboro to hear him speak on MY birthday. So she invited Jessica & me to go along with her (and about 20,000 of our closest buddies). So off we went!

We waited in line about two hours... can you tell we were EXCITED to be there to hear the next President of the United States of America!!

Ashley with new t-shirt ready to go through security check... that's one of our "standing in line" friends in front of her.

Here we've made it through the line, through security and are waiting for the Stars of the Show to arrive. Notice the police snipers atop building roofs - they were everywhere...

Waiting...

Jes' new shirt...

Finally, Senator Joe Biden and Senator Barack Obama!!! We went CRAZY! We could hardly believe we were actually there - we were THERE with the NEXT PRESIDENT!!!

Jessica used her "flip" to record part of the speech...

Of course, his speech was passionate and intelligent and inspiring. So GLAD he decided to come see me on my Birthday!

June 8, 2008

Today's Anna's 20th birthday. I've gotten emails from several folks who remember her today.

I remember the day she was born - June 8, 1988 - her due date. Nice & easy delivery compared to her sister. It was a pretty June day - not too hot. If I'd known I'd only have her for seventeen years, I think things would've been different. If she'd had a disease with a shortened life expectancy, we would've cherished moments more. But I didn't know.

I know the sound of guilt for me is a tea set rolling around the trunk of my car. It rolls and clinks around every curve and corner - I hear it and I remember my failings. When Jessica was two, we had her portrait made - fancy deal. Then when Anna came along, we (my Mom & I) took her to have HER portrait made - in the same dress. The photographer put out a tea set as a prop - and Anna was delighted to no end. She poured the pretend tea and enjoyed being the star of the photo shoot. For years after that, every time we'd drive past that photo studio, Anna would ask, "When are we going to have another tea party, Momma?"

I don't know, Anna. Why didn't we have more tea parties? Why didn't we play more? Why wasn't I a better mom to you, my sweet girl? I'm sorry. Now there's my old tea set in the trunk - and I let it roll around to remind me - so I never ever ever forget.

I miss you, my sweet, beautiful girl. I miss you so.

Happy 20th birthday.

Catching up

So what's up with me?

Hmmm... the last post that I wrote was rather dramatic, huh? I was feeling rather dramatic then. As always happens, things calmed back down. I'm amazed by people causing crises in the name of "helping" - I let myself get caught up in a bunch of nastiness, and then I had to get my life back on track (yet again). As of today - smooth sailing. Of course, winds blow storms in and there's always rough weather, but today is a smooth, calm, happy day. Knock on wood, etc.

Somewhere in all of the yuck were things said to prove to me that he isn't perfect. No kidding? Accusations that he may have issues. Wow - good thing I don't have any of THOSE! Veiled innuendos that turned truth upside down. In the name of "helping." That's okay. I think I'll try relying on myself, my own observations, the way he treats ME, etc.

Our relationship has come through the trials improved, I think. We've both learned how the other person deals with stress, arguments, anger, trust, etc. So until the next storm blows in and we have to deal with it, we're good. New & Improved, even.

Sunday is Anna's 20th birthday. Keep her in your thoughts please.

Un-Mother's Day

So tomorrow's Mother's Day. I got to have lunch with my mom and dad and daughter & grandson today. It was fun, we laughed and talked, but someone was missing.

Next month is Anna's 20th birthday. Twenty years ago, I was humongous and pregnant, swollen and bloated. I remember wondering what it would be like to have TWO little girls - how would Jessica react to her new little sister? would I be able to manage taking care of both of them? I was so excited about the new baby. My Anna was punctual - born on her due date - June 8th, 1988. From the beginning, she was a sweet child. She smiled with her whole face - her eyes conveyed her happiness.

This will be her third birthday away from me. She will always be seventeen, she will never age and get old. She has missed so much. Elisha is four and a half now. He has missed having his Auntie Anna without even knowing it. She missed me going on my cruise all alone. I think she would've been proud of me for being brave enough to go. She has missed Jessica's life - they could've gone dancing together - Jes and Anna and Ashley. All grown up - fine young women in charge of their own lives, doing what they want - LIVING. But that didn't happen. None of it happened because it all ended December 31, 2005. My dreams and hopes for her ended.

I do still remember how she felt when I hugged her. How thick her hair was in a ponytail. How infectious her laughter was. How lost she was when Katie moved away. How she'd lay with me on the sofa to watch TV or a movie - curled up in an intertwined "S." How seriously she would take her friendships - questions posed to her by friends, she'd ponder the right thing to do. How absolutely stunningly beautiful she was - whether she was dressed up or in pjs - so beautiful.

I remember the conversation we had about boys. Unfortunately, she only had ME for a reference - and we all know what mistakes I make. She asked me if she should become the boy's "girlfriend" - or if it probably wouldn't last forever (as in marriage and kids and old age), why should she bother? I told her that I thought she'd miss out on a lot if she didn't go ahead and put her heart into what they had. Good and bad. I agreed with her, that a high school relationship was probably not the one to last her lifetime, but I advised her to go for it - go for the love. And that may have been her eventual downfall - losing the love and the amazingly intense feeling of heartbreak. I don't know what was on her mind that day. I don't think I'd feel any better if I did. Unless I could change things. And I can't.

Not a day goes by that I don't remember Anna. I wear my remembrance bracelet - I don't take it off. All I have are photographs and memories. And guilt and sadness. And loss and the greater part of me thinking I don't deserve to be happy after all. It's back to existing.

On Being Wrong

I hate being wrong. Not that it doesn't happen all the time, of course - but I hate it nonetheless. I don't like having my beliefs disproved.

Does this happen to everyone else too? Do you have your faith shaken regularly? Do you question what you believe to be true on a daily basis? Have you had god shake his fist in your face and tell you how silly you were to believe in the first place? Do you latch onto something, gladly thinking that at last you have found something good and right, only to find you were mistaken yet again?


This seems to be my life. The road my life follows. While it may seem that I find something intrinsically different which will change the direction of my life, I find myself back where I began - shaking my head in bewilderment - "Oh no! How is this possible? Why am I here again?" No matter the trail of bread crumbs I leave, I always wind up back at the beginning - bearing more scars, perhaps, feeling more disillusioned, steadfastly vowing, "Never again! I'll never go down that path again!" ha. how utterly ridiculous.

I suppose everyone says "This is always happening to me." I'm sure psychologists say we invent situations over and over - so we can learn the lesson we are missing each time. Slamming into the wall being forced to recognize my mistakes (yet again), I'd rather smack my forehead and have a V-8.

Irreparable damage is done in the name of postponing conversations. I understand the old adage about never going to bed angry - I get that one. Get all the crap out into the open so everyone can see it - can agree it exists - can then decide individually how they want to handle it. Being angry about something and refusing to tell the other person what you're angry about? Geez. Frustration. Anger. Yet I suppose it accomplishes what it sets out to do - makes everyone rein in, go to neutral corners, put up their walls to protect themselves against some unstated charge - how can you defend yourself against the rumour of an accusation? How can you protect from it happening all over again - without knowing what IT is? Are you to feel justifiably punished for whatever it is without even knowing?

Ah yes. I thought I'd found the Magic Ring. I thought I'd grown up and gotten beyond mind games. Dammit - I thought I'd finally gotten it RIGHT. And I find myself being wrong again.