I promise this will make you smile...

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ''You must be single.''

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: ''Well, you know what,you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?''

The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly.''

Sound like a 4-year-old... WHY?

I realize that when I'm screaming at the universe (or traffic idiots, etc), it's for the unchangeable things. WHY don't I have my Anna? WHY did such a horrible thing happen? WHY am I miserable? WHY doesn't he love me? How could he just stop? WHY does the planet continue to revolve with me stuck on an endless escalator of crap?

Hmmm... surely I'm not feeling sorry for myself (surely, not again?)... Okay - so maybe I am. I convinced myself to post my personal ad again ... that's where I'd met the last fellow. And I told myself "It's like riding a horse, you fall off, you get up and dust yourself off and get right back on again!" Yeah, sure - only the horse turned out to be cheating on me. And telling me lies. What a horse. What an ass.

At any rate - So I post my personal ad using this photo - with help from friends - working on how it sounds, how it makes ME sound (not too needy, not too pushy - Just Right, Goldilocks), trying to get a good title. My friends wanted to hear what some of the other ads have for a title... "Hi" "Hello" "R U the 1 4 me?" ... Knowing me and wanting to be helpful, their best suggestion was "Ho Ho Ho" --- keeping a holiday theme, making it clear that I'm in favor of lots of affection... It's just intimidating - some person is going to look at my picture and read my info and think, "What a nutcase?!" or "Gee, I want to know more about her!" or "No wonder she's single!" .....

After posting my ad, I've gotten over a dozen "views" - that means someone actually went to the vast trouble of clicking on my profile whether or not they read it... Not a one of the viewers left me a message. So it's rejection by proxy. I don't know what it is about me that turned them away. I clearly state I'm a bleeding heart liberal because I don't want to argue politics constantly. I clearly state I'm agnostic because I won't go to church with anyone. I say I like books and movies - which I do - does it make me look dull and boring? Oh well. It's like an itchy pair of underwear: Your only alternative is to go without --- you're constantly aware of how it feels -- you just wish you could find the exactly, right, perfectly fitting pair to last the rest of your life (with laundering, of course). But you get the idea.

Maybe if I cry and scream and stomp my feet? Maybe threaten to hold my breath?

The day before Black Friday

Yes, I'm taking sodas and paper plates...

and responsible for pecan pies and dinner rolls.

Early in the morning

Part of my life is working from 7am til 4pm every Monday through Friday. For me, getting to work by seven means that I'm up at ten after six, shower, dress and out the door. No lollygagging around - no breakfast, no TV, no coffee, nothing but up - stagger to the shower and hope to wake up.

Putting aside my semi-catatonic state while driving to work, I do occasionally notice the world around me. If I had my choice, I'd enjoy a lovely sunset and sleep through the sunrise. But I don't get my choice. However, I do get to experience a lovely sunrise some days...

Bleak house

Is it just me? Does the change in seasons from mild, golden sunny days to gray, cold days make anyone feel good? Combine that I found out the fellow I'd dated for nine months was seeing someone else - so the relationship ended ... with cold, gray weather... with the coming of yet another holiday season alone, on my own... with the anniversary of the loss of Anna in December .... with the surrounding world in chaos economically...

AUGH!

It just feels too overwhelming and too dark and depressing for words! Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? President-elect Obama faces a huge pile of crap leftover from the Bushies - it may prove insurmountable. NPR's daily "Money" podcast is filled with gloom and doom - nothing positive on any horizon.

On the + side ... Ramona has invited me to join her family for Thanksgiving so I don't have to spend it alone. Jes & Elisha will be there too... The Oakland Raiders finally won a game... I get FOUR days off in a row... it's only four months til spring...

Gambling...

A podcast I was listening to the other day was talking about the science of gambling - and the psychology of gambling -- what casinos do to keep people at the tables or slot machines.

One statistic they'd uncovered was extremely close to my heart as I listened. Apparently, someone has done research and discovered that "losing hurts twice as bad as gaining feels good." It made me cry sitting at my desk, working & listening to my iPod. The truth of that statement in my life. Oh yes - I agree. That's very, very true.

When things are good, everything has its golden halo around it - you're more comfortable in your own skin. You feel happy and content, satisfied - a generally all-around good feeling. Lying next to someone in bed, knowing you are loved - the security and warmth you have. And all through the good feelings, you can carry on with life - you can make grocery lists and make plans, talk to friends (there's so much good to say!), and go through the day with a goofy grin and mellow heart.

But when things go badly, it's different. You can't feel anything else but BAD - sad, angry, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, lost, bereft... all bad, bad, bad. There is no light, only darkness. There is no room for anything else. And it is at least twice as bad as the good feels. Why make plans or lists? to what purpose? Why talk to anyone - who wants to listen to the same sad story? Oh, not again. So the pit beckons with its promise to hold you closely, keep you company when there is no one else. That dear, dear pit of depression. What a wonderful place to visit. I know I can't stay, but I believe I will spend some time with my one, true companion who I can always depend on.

I miss my Anna...

"There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance.” --Gilbert Parker