Lately

I'm actually composing this post on my new-to-me iPod touch using wi-fi. Amazing. Still working out the details but really loving it. Gotta love an inside connection to PawnAmerica!
I will officially start my training to work @ wt watchers this week. That's what I need -another job. But this will keep me on program so I don't just gain my 35# back.
Have decided to do Xmas eve @ my house for a change this year. Big change. Maybe I'm old enough at last. Turkey tacos?


Five years. It's almost five years without Anna. I miss her so much. I missed her @ E's birthday party. She has missed baby e growing into his 7-year old self. She has missed so much. And I've missed so much of her -a lot happens from 17 to 22. So much. Too much.
I'm glad for the relationship I have with Jes - without her I'd be empty.

Too much.

53.

I'm 53 years old. How the hell did that happen? 53. I remember thinking someone in their 20s was OLD! So mature! and here I am. on the far side of 20. for sure.

I celebrated my birthday week in grand style. Doing nothing. I took a week's vacation from work - although there was no money to go anywhere - I made the best of my Stay-cation. One day I spent with Jes going to GSO to the craft store - to Steak N Shake - where I had the YUMMIEST banana milkshake! - then to the health food store. Yum-OOOOO! It's just so much fun to be with her - to listen to her stories - to be so proud of her, her beauty, her wisdom, her nuttiness, her mothering abilities, her nursing heart. Amazing. She is a completely amazing woman.
And one day I spent with my Mom & Dad going to a Chinese food buffet in Lynchburg - where I had wonderful food - and it was so fun to spend time with my mom and dad.
And one afternoon, I picked the E-Man up from school (first grade!) - and then we went to Hobby Lobby and got supplies - then I taught him to needlepoint. A very basic simple design - the most awesome letter "E". He chose green canvas and yellow yarn to "sew" his design for his mom - because those are her favorite colors. And of course, there was Taco Bell and Bubba's!
And one day it rained - and I slept in! Every time I'd start to wake up, I'd think, "HA! I'm not going to work in the rain!" and roll over feeling like I'd won the lottery.
And I'd sleep til 8 am (which is LATE considering I have to be at work at 7!) - then I'd get up, put on my sneakers and out I'd go for a nice long walk. I think I walked about 15 miles or so. I enjoyed it - because I wasn't tired from working all day - because it was nice and sunny at 10:00 in the morning - because if I walked, I could justify eating whatever I wanted for dinner. In addition to GSO and Lynchburg and Taco Bell and Bubba's, I had Western Sizzlin buffet one night.

THEN! At WW Saturday, I'd lost .4 lb. It was the walking.

It was such a nice week. No arguments. No office politics. No idiots to deal with at work. then it was over, and I'm back to work.

And I'm getting ready to start training as the newest "receptionist apprentice" at Weight Watchers. I figure it'll keep me on my plan, encourage me not to let the 35 pounds jump back on with their friends. Not stressing over it.

I get next Monday off for Columbus Day - then have two more days off this month. I love the fall.

otr2010

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On depression

A friend at work loaned me her copy of "Jan's Story" by Barry Peterson. He is a CBS news reporter, and the book is the story of his wife's journey with Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease. She was in her early 50's when she was diagnosed; she was living in a facility with the end-stage of the disease as the book ended (her body remains relatively healthy even as her brain deteriorates). It was a well-written, interesting, informative book that talked about the stages they moved through as a couple for years. He apparently adored her - he portrays her as a perfect, happy, cheerful, exuberant, intelligent woman before the disease took over.

I understood his descriptions of his own journey into depression and suicidal thoughts as he struggled to be the best caregiver he could be. I share the following quotes here, because I don't want to lose them -- and because I've been there. Barry's daughters and granddaughter pulled him back from the edge -- just as my love for Jessica and Elisha yanked me back.

P 135 – “… there was another storm of emotion forming; … why keep going? Why? It is a volatile and dangerous question. And when there seems no purpose and no destination in life, there looms a dark place where there is an answer, an frightening but calmly appealing answer. And I thought perhaps in that darkness I would find, if not solace, an end to the pain.”

Pg138 – “I was finally and hopelessly lost in the darkest part of a valley, a deep abyss, a place that offers no good rason to go on. In this valley, in this blinding blackness, all you can see is what is gone. And you only see that in your memories.”

P 139 – “It was the pain, not my life that I wanted to end.”

And so I was pulled back from the edge that Anna leapt from. I understand in my head and in my heart, but the pain endures unchanging.

Feeling 5K-challenged

With less than a week before my "running" 5K, the reality of impossibility is setting in. I know, I know - not the right attitude. I accept that I won't run the whole thing - but I'm seriously wondering if I'll be able to finish!?! Today in my 'Couch to 5K' schedule, I was supposed to warmup brisk walk 5 minutes, run 5, walk 3, run 8, walk 3, run 5, walk 5... that's 23 minutes 'running.' I went to the GW track to change up the routine - it was early and cool; I had the track to myself. I did it. {Side note: my right hamstring was KILLING me after my last workout, so I stretched it much more before and after today - and it feels great now!}

BUT! It's 1/4 mile around one lap of the track - I started on the outside lane, and moved in a lane every lap to keep up with how many times around I went - I did my cool-down 5 minutes on the inside lane #7... so that's ? a 1.75 mile in 30 minutes? The 5K (THIS SATURDAY!) is 3.1 miles. So I'm looking at "running" the 5K in an HOUR? I was WALKING the 5K in 45 minutes! HUH?!!! I know I'm not catching anything on fire running fast, but that just seems ridiculous. How can I possibly be burning more calories jogging than when I was walking as fast as I could? Just the jiggling of all the fat burns more?

I am pretty realistic about things. I know I'm 52 years old. I know my ability level. I don't want to totally embarrass myself Saturday. Even if I don't know any of those people. Still. I'd rather they don't have to send the little golfcart up the path to get me. I think the alien that had possessed me had the confidence, and I think the alien has left the building...

Happy 22nd Birthday, Anna

I miss my family.

Happy Birthday, Anna Michael Bryant.

So what's next for the Pod Person?

{My sister is sure the real non-sweating, couch potato Jennifer has been replaced by the aliens' pod person.}

I started Weight Watchers to lose weight & be able to get my beautiful ring comfortably on my fat sausage-link fingers. I started walking to help the Weight Watchers. I've started the Couch to 5K run/walking to speed up the Weight Watchers results.

Then what? The Couch to 5K is nine weeks. I'm on week four now, and I've signed up as a "runner" for a 5K on June 19th. If you sign up as a "walker," you're not supposed to run at all - throws the times all out of whack. So I signed up as a runner, intending to do a combination of running & walking. Or jogging and walking. Maybe it's called a "trot." Isn't that what those horses in the harness races do? Yeah - that's about my speed.

I'm less than five pounds away from my weight goal. So that is within my slimmer fingers' grasp almost.

So after the Couch to 5K week nine. After the WW goal is reached. Then what? I've heard that setting goals is important, and I guess I've been pretty good about that so far this trip. But then what? "Maintain" isn't a realistic goal. Suggestions???

A part of me is TERRIFIED of gaining the weight right back. It's happened before! Why not again? What's different? I'm still fat in my head. I smile and say, "Thank you!" to the compliments on how much better I look physically. I know that I do - but inside my head I hear, "Yeah - they THINK you look better - good thing they can't see you naked! That fat belly!" Never good enough. Never enough. I haven't really challenged myself this weight journey - I know it LOOKS like I have, but I really haven't. I've been too afraid I would get discouraged, frustrated, angry, whatever and just quit. Wouldn't be the first time!

I remember thinking in my MUCH younger days that perhaps I could follow in my mom's running shoes. This was after I had Anna and had lost my weight. I went for a teeny, tiny little run around the neighborhood. When I came back, I proudly said to my husband, "Guess what! I ran! I really ran!!" He answered, "I know - I could feel the ground shaking." It's a good line - but I didn't appreciate it & I did not even THINK about running again until now - twenty-some years later.

My bitchy inner critic is always there. I don't have the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. I just have the bitch-me-voice constantly. I've been counting my WW "points" now for almost sixteen weeks. Tonight, I had used 19 of my 21 points for the day, and I was considering a snack. That bitch-voice laid into me "You know you've probably cheated somewhere today! You didn't exercise - it's your day off, lazy ass!" Will I always have her in my head? She is certain that I will backslide. She is confident I will screw up, give up, quit quit quit. That's part of why I'm making no guarantees, no promises. We'll just have to wait and see who's right.

Who the hell am I?

Seriously - Who Am I?

I haven't blogged much since Chuck proposed. That was a very fun Valentine's Day. We had a great "date" at Los Tres - then came home and he asked, and I said yes. The ring is lovely. He was genuinely happy that I agreed to be his wife. Amazing!! We took pictures that night. I looked at the ring that I barely got on my finger - a very tight fit. I looked at my chins in the photos. I thought about the WiiFit telling me my weight was almost 200 lbs. And I thought about it. And I thought some more. It wasn't a surprise to me that I'd let my weight climb back up and beyond my previous weights. It was just sad that I realized I'd done it. I looked at the beautiful ring on my chubby finger.

And I decided to re-join Weight Watchers. I looked for a WW Buddy - Ashley volunteered. Chuck even said he'd give it a try. So, that first Saturday after Valentine's Day, February 20th, I joined. My initial weight was 197. I really haven't taken the best of care of my self since we lost Anna. I didn't want to live myself, so why suffer through a diet? Wasn't going to work every day bad enough? I lived on microwave popcorn (the good kind with BUTTER) and fast food for months after Jessica & Elisha moved into their house, leaving me with no-one to watch me eat, no-one to be accountable to. And then I quit smoking in February 2008 which nudged the scales up a bit. I suppose quitting smoking was the first thing I really did to say, "I am alive, and I will stop killing myself." Chuck quit Weight Watchers after a month and no weight loss. Ashley has had a bunch of health problems that have kept her from participating. But for some reason - I kept going even though I had an excuse - "I can't do it by myself!" - but I haven't given up. Go figure.

I've heard about lots of diets and weight loss plans, but for me, Weight Watchers is the ONLY one that will ever work. Most diets tell you what you CAN'T have - that makes me immediately decide I have to have it - whatever it is! I can have anything I want on the Weight Watchers plan, so long as I "budget" for it. I am a number-oriented person, so counting my "points" is no big deal. Keeping the food journal - no problem. And I've lost weight every single week since I joined. This coming week will be sixteen weeks. I've lost 30.2 pounds. I weigh 166.8 pounds. The last time I weighed in the 160s was when Weight Watchers helped me take off my baby weight after Anna was born (okay - that's 22 years ago). My goal is 162 - that's a loss of 35 pounds which for me being 5'9" is practical. The goal is in sight. YAY Me!

But, here's the problem. Who the hell am I now? I knew that if I wanted to lose the weight faster than just watching my food intake - I needed to exercise. So - okay, I can walk. I started walking. Chuck & I would walk on the River Trail (the best thing about the City of Danville). Then, after about two months of that, I read that you burn TWICE the calories if you run/jog than if you walk. Also, Weight Watchers was encouraging members to sign up for a 5K walk.

Being the person I am, I signed up for two - on two consecutive Saturdays. I practiced. I made sure I could complete the course. I downloaded an aerobic dance mix for my iPod to keep my pace up. Me? In a 5K? I finished the first walk on West Main St in 45 minutes. Jessica joined me for the second one - very crowded on the river trail that took us 46 minutes. We were hoofing it!

I found the "Couch to 5K" program at www.coolrunning.com. It's a nine-week program that takes you from couch potato to 5K RUNNER. You start with intervals of jogging 60 seconds, walk 90 seconds repeated for 20 minutes. Then I found the audio "Podcasts for Runners" at iTunes where the guy has put the C25K (couch to 5K) to aerobic-mix music and he tells you when to walk, when to run, so I don't have to keep up with anything. I have completed three weeks of three days for each week's intervals. Yesterday, I did Week Four, Day One. It was: jog 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, jog 5 minutes, walk 180 seconds - done twice with brisk 5 minutes walks to warm up & cool down. I actually ran for sixteen minutes altogether. Unbelievable. I never would've believed you if you'd told me I would do that. NEVER. And more than that - no one that KNOWS me would've believed you. Ever. Never.

Even MORE unbelievable is that this morning I wanted to get up and do it again! But the program stresses that you take a day in between to let your body recover. So Chuck and I rode our bikes from one end of the river trail to the other, and back - took us 63 minutes. There's another 5K in two weeks - I am considering signing up to RUN the damn thing. I'm scheduling my life around when I can run. I'm always on the lookout for a new place to run. Run? Who? What?

I have obviously been taken over by aliens. Or my mom. Definitely one or the other.

humor after hiatus

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history and burn any diaries or journals when you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello! Crap!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
14. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

15. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

16. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

17. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.

18. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

19. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

23. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

24. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

25. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my bottom dollar everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Snow Days

I don't think we got the foot of snow as predicted, but we had snow coming down for about eighteen hours mixed with sleet. I made a test run to see if I could drive to work. However, I imagine the roads will be a little different at 6:45a.m. tomorrow than today at 3:00 in 45degree sunshine. I haven't done anything all weekend, except my Wii 30-minutes and read a funny little Stephanie Plum novel. And my weekend's almost over! No FAIR!

There just aren't enough hours in a weekend. I demand a recount.

project progress

The "Jewel" sweater is ready to join at the below the armhole row - getting up courage to do that...


And here is the "Stone Path Hat" ... most difficult pattern so far... it has crochet cables and bobbles.... lions & tigers and bears - oh my!

I got nothing...

"I got nothing" -- that's what my sister always says when she calls. Nothing. No news. Nothing exciting.

That's me too. I got nothing. I've been hermiting (new word) since going back to work. Jes & JB gave me the Wii and WiiFit for Christmas. It's so wonderful! I have done at least 30 minutes a day EVERY day since I hooked it up Christmas. It takes my mind off the fact that I'm "exercising" - I'm playing. I love the Island Cycling - If the parks & rec department would put up neato "GOALS" to go through on the bike trail, I would SO be there. It's the sense of accomplishment - the effort to top my last personal best. The sweatpants in my house where nobody can make comments about the fat lady huffing and puffing. I love it. It's the first thing I do when I get home in the afternoon after work, and it's the first thing I do on weekend mornings.

I haven't been reading, because the book I'm currently trudging through is a somewhat interesting non-fiction about the most expensive bottle of wine ever sold - which supposedly belonged to Thomas Jefferson - or may have been a fake - or not. It's not compelling at all - lots of wine history - lots of Jefferson history - lots of auction house history.... and it's heading to no conclusion at all. Why am I still reading it? To get to the end. It's probably time to skim.

I have been crocheting. And loving it. I've started the "Jewel" sweater. The pattern works downward from the shoulders, and I'm as far as joining under the armhole openings. It takes quite a bit of concentration, so I don't pull it out unless I have at least an hour to work on. I've also started a "Stone Path Hat" - which is undoubtedly the most difficult pattern I've ever crocheted. I had to write down the row-by-row instructions so I could visually see how the pattern got to Row 12 from Row 1. And it's with really thin yarn and a tiny hook. It's a good lunch-time project for work. And there's always a washcloth to work on while I watch TV or movies.

Watched "Big Fan" with Patton Oswalt last night. Loved it. Thought provoking regular guy story. It's marketed as a comedy - but it's not. More like "drama-lite."

And my home computer has an "anti-virus" virus where it won't let me do anything for constant "You've got a virus - buy our software (or else)" popups. I hate to even think about trying to fix it.

Like I said. I got nothing.

Avatar

I absolutely loved Avatar (in 3D). It was gorgeous - lush - the depth and brightness of colors combined with the 3D gave it an altogether VELVETY feeling. The story was predictable and nothing unusual. But this is by far the most visually stimulating movie I've ever seen. It may be the Wizard of Oz of Elisha's generation. I need to go see it again on the big screen!

Jewel underway

I've chosen the pattern. I've purchased the yarn. I've started my first garment. It's called "Jewel" - a lovely (HOPEFULLY SIMPLE) pattern for a sweater.
Wish me luck!

"what if" thoughts

If Anna had graduated high school in 2006, she'd be graduating college this spring. Her plan was to major in History and maybe do something in government. I pictured her in the state legislature in Richmond - maybe becoming a lawyer. Or like nearly every other college student, she may have changed her major once she got there. There? Where? which college? Radford? Tech? then we would have been more personally affected by the massacre there in April 2007. What major would she have chosen? She loved music and her history. Would she have gone the 'teacher' route? I can see Anna with little kids, not so much teenagers. She hadn't quite grown into her "assertive Ashley" self.
Or would she have taken a completely different path? Would I have another grandchild? or two? She would've made an excellent mom - just like Jes is. What would their relationship be? And how would Elisha think of his Auntie? Would she have stayed near Danville? Would she have moved away? Would I be sad today because she would've had to "go back home" wherever her home would be? Would she be hanging with Katie in Boston? Arizona?
There would've been heartaches in these past 4 years. Broken hearts. Loser boyfriend(s). Disappointments. Trials and tribulations. But what would the joys have been? Accomplishments. Delights. Sharing emotional good & bads. I've wondered if her road may have been rockier. Drugs. Would her depression have caused different problems? Or would we have been able to manage it? What path would we be on today?
So many 'what if' questions.

I am the proudest mom in the world of Jessica. She has accomplished so much, been so strong, so smart, so absolutely hilarious. She's a great mom, excellent nurse, and she spread much christmas cheer to grinchy old me (or should i say "mii"?). I love you dearly, Jes. I look forward to following you into your future.