goJenn Goes

MLK Day

2012-01-16T23:43:00.002-05:00

I love a 3day weekend. Saturday & Sunday go by in a flash with normal weekend stuff to do - the Monday is full of time NOT TO BE AT WORK!!

I started my day sleeping past normal alarm clock time - so nice to wake up on my own, snuggled under blankets & not have to drag myself to the shower.

I gave the day a couple hours to warm up above 35• before donning sweat pants, turtleneck, sweatshirt, hat & gloves (and socks, shoes & sunglasses) for my walk. One if my goals for 2012 was to walk (or run) 500 miles. My total after today is 31.2 miles - so I'm happy with that for Jan 16th.

After a hot shower, Chuck & I headed to San Marcos for lunch. I tried the chilaquiles which were yummy! From there to Walmart, spending the mandatory $100+ cover charge.

The afternoon & evening were yarn time. Through the best online community ever - Ravelry - for knitters & crocheter's, I've joined two BAM CALs - Block A Month Crochet A Longs. A pattern is posted, then crocheters around the world set themselves to complete the square in their own yarn/color choices.

The first CAL is more typical crochet. I made that square earlier this month.

The second CAL involved much more time and effort. I finished that square yesterday during the Green bay no-show game against the Giants.

Coming up in February, I'm going to be participating in a swap on Ravelry. The colors and size of the squares to be made will be determined by consensus. I will be responsible for making 10 or so squares in any pattern of my choice & mailing them to other cratered in the US or Canada. They will make squares & send to me! Surprises in the mail.

In addition, I've started a ripple afghan in pinks & purples.

Today, I piled my yarn stash on my bed & sorted it according to which project it goes with. That let me see what needs to be bought to see me through there projects. Oh boy!! Shopping at ACMoore is in my future!!

After sorting & list making & putting projects in their own tote bags (I collect tote bags)(okay - maybe it's a small hoard of tote bags) -- then I settled down with Robert DowneyJr (so handsome in a bad boy way) as Sherlock Holmes & the twinkling-eyed Jude Law as his Watson. I made two crocheted hotpads while watching the fellows saved England.

Ahhh! A day off. Things accomplished. Exercise. Mexican food. Yarn fondling. Sexy men speaking British. Why the hell does my job have to waste so many hours of my life? With my long weekend over, I find myself saying, "Is it Friday yet?"

Books & Movies, 2011

2012-01-02T19:24:00.003-05:00

My annual clear out the book and movie list from last year. This way I keep it, but make a fresh start for the new year. My book list is rather short, but be assured the books were anything BUT short! Both Follet and Martin write with a richness and beauty of language that I love.

2011 Books

"A Clash of Kings" by George R.R. Martin ... A+ (Book 2 in the series)
"A Game of Thrones" by George R.R. Martin ... A+ ... loving the series via Audible
"Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes..." by Christopher McDougall ... B ... via Audible while walking
"Door to December" by Dean Koontz ... B ... typical Koontz thriller
"Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follett ... A ... loved it & I'm still amazed how compelling is the story about cathedral building in medieval England
"Port Mortuary" by Patricia Cornwell ... C (she used to be so much better)
"Slumdog Millionaire" by Vikas Swarup ... B+ ... via Audible
"Smokin` Seventeen" by Janet Evanovich ... A+ Stephanie Plum is hilarious - I pick Morelli
"World Without End" by Ken Follett ... A ... the sequel to Pillars, excellent story

2011 Movies

"Battle for L.A." ... C ... WWII movie plot & characters fighting aliens in California
"Bridesmaids" ... C ... Could've been SO much funnier!
"Clerks" ... B ... I'm listening to Kevin Smith's "Smodcasts" and decided to revisit his debut
"Cowboys & Aliens" ... B+ ... Great fun!
"Dexter" Seasons 3 - 4 - 5
"Dinner for Schmucks" ... C ... could've been so much funnier!
"Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest" (Swedish with subtitles) ... B ... end of a great series
"Grown Ups" ... B ... not hilarious
"Harry Potter, the Last" ... A ... very well done
"Meek's Cutoff" ... C ... Came highly recommended, but YUCK!
"Paul" ... B+ ... nerds rule!
"Rango" ... B ... cute
"Reds" ... B ... Bruce Willis - eh...
"Run Lola Run" ... B+ ... WOW! Non-stop adrenaline every minute
"Salt" ... B ... Jolie is one beautiful woman
"Social Network" ... A- ... the history of Facebook
"The King's Speech" ... B+ ... Interesting
"The Other Guys" ... B ... odd, but kinda funny
"Winters Bone" ... A+ ... MUST WATCH!

Day two 2012

2012-01-02T19:22:00.003-05:00

Okay - I don't plan on counting the days through the year. I am planning on trying to keep up with my progress on my 2012 goals here however.

With a Monday holiday, I've had two days to walk. Yesterday was much warmer than today! Cold wind blowing - I should've worn my hat! 7.62 miles according to my handy-dandy fitness app. That only leaves 492.38 miles left to reach my goal of 500.

I've begun knitting my Baktus scarf - so far, I'm happy with it.

I joined the Ravelry BAM CAL (Block A Month, Crochet A Long) for the past 3 years. I didn't do so well finishing - I get sidetracked by other projects, colors, things to do. This year, at least, I've finished the January block.

Knit Re-boot

2011-12-30T23:30:00.001-05:00

I decided the drop stitch scarf was not a good first knit project. I chose too fine a yarn & too small needles (sock weight on size 6). Plus the lovely effect of multiple drop stitches made it impossible for me to maintain tension. So I put that project aside.

As I now know, I need a project that lets me practice the basic garter stitch - row after row of knit stitch. But that sounds boring, not lovely or satisfying (while necessary).

Enter the "Baktus Scarf." A super simple garter stitch scarf with the design element of adding a stitch every 4 rows - so I cast on 4 stitches - then go back and forth adding one stitch every four rows resulting in a gradual triangle. Then I'll get to a mid-point and start decreasing one stitch every four rows back to the ending 4 stitches. A lovely triangle - hopefully with no holes or other obvious boo-boos.
And I chose a bulky weight yarn and size 11 needles to make progress at more than a slow snail's pace.

After one night (and various DVR TV shows), I have knit over 11" of Baktus. I'm pleased with my progress, the pattern, and especially the yarn - Lion Brand Tweed Stripes in a pretty blue-purple-green gradation. Pic is scarf so far.

And I haven't forgotten that tomorrow will start in an ordinary way - just New Years Eve SIX years ago.

Slow going

2011-12-29T20:05:00.001-05:00

Knitting progress is much slower than crochet. My best guess is that I have about three hours of solid knitting time invested in my Drop Stitch Scarf. For this:

looking forward

2011-12-28T13:16:00.004-05:00

I don't like the idea of resolutions. They're just MADE to be broken! While I think it's a great idea to set January 1 as the first day of a non-smoking life, or of a healthier diet, etc -- most resolutions are too vague to be effective. And they don't take into account that Life Happens. Things interrupt. Events disrupt plans.

I'm staying away from resolutions. I like making "goals" instead. For 2011, my goal was to run a mile without stopping. I did that. And it took me until November to do it (twice). Why November? Because I realized the year was ending and I hadn't reached my goal. So I did it. And I don't feel all that obligated to do it again. Maybe. Eh. Depends on how I feel.

So far, I have two goals for 2012. First, I'd like to become a competent knitter. To that end, I have a "how to knit" DVD that I've watched (with lots of REPLAY and PAUSE) with yarn and needles in hand. Now I've "cast on" (that's knitting lingo for "started") a pretty scarf called "Easy Drop Stitch Scarf." So far, I've completed about ten rows, and it's going well.

Second, I think I want to log 500 miles in 2012. Walking, running, swimming. Doesn't matter to me. 500 miles in a year is 9.62 miles a week. Easy-peasy, I say knowing how things like to turn and bite me in the ass. Over the xmas 4-day weekend, I walked over 12 miles, so it seems like a realistic and do-able goal.

These are both attainable goals which will require some effort on my part - but nothing at all like the effort it takes to quit smoking! No one will be injured in my knitting or walking (but when I quit smoking - it was dangerous to be in my general vicinity!).

I hope to check in here and keep myself accountable and updated on my progress. Surely, photos will follow in due course, but here is a photo of the scarf as made by someone who knows what they're doing!

Knit practice

2011-12-26T16:58:00.001-05:00

One of my goals for 2012 is to become a proficient knitter. I love crochet and the things crochet can become. However there are some things that knit stitches and knit fabric can do that crochet can't. Knit fabric - stockinette stitch - is the familiar stitch we see on every sweater - commercial or handmade. You can't get that with crochet. So anyway - I want to expand my crafting repertoire to include knitting.

I was gifted a "How to Knit" DVD which I've spent a while watching this afternoon. I am somewhat familiar with knitting - having tried to learn several times in the past.

After time spent being a good pupil (using REPLAY many times), here is my first swatch (using VC yarn & size 10 needles). Garter stitch - stockinette stitch - 2x2 ribbing - and bind-off. Yay me! Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Woof!

What to Do?

2011-12-26T08:20:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling unsettled. All my crochet efforts came to a crashing crescendo with my Xmas efforts. I finished a book ("Port Mortuary") Xmas eve so I could pass it on to Ashley that night. I watched the last episode of last years "Dexter" whi le crocheting furiously before Xmas.

No book. No DVD series. No crochet project deadline. Nothing at all on my To Do list. It's been months since there was no project to complete. Unsettled.

I still have yarn (stash, we call it). I was gifted three new books, and have chosen the next to read. Three non-series DVDs have arrived (Netflix sent me an extra for Xmas!). So it's not lack of materials unsettling me.

It's the knowledge that once I choose yarn & pattern, once I read Page One - I'm off in To Do land again - something to finish.

I'm savoring the lack of a task for a day or two - but I'm itching to undertake a new project - to see where hook & yarn will take me - to see where my books will lead. I think I'll go pore over patterns for a while - choices need to be made.

Gifts made with love (and yarn & crochet hook)

2011-12-25T21:15:00.002-05:00

Here are the four afghans made and given with much love this Xmas: Sherry's 12patch, Beverly's Iris, the Buckner's Babette, and Mom & Dad's Hexaghan. I enjoy thinking about the recipient(s) as I transform the yarn into handcrafted works of art. When Elisha grows up, maybe no one will still crochet - it'll all be computerized somehow. And maybe he will remember his Grammy with warm, comforting thoughts. I truly enjoy my hobby, my craft, my artistic expression through color & pattern choices. I don't know what 2012 will bring - but I'll face it with hook & yarn by my side.

Un-Grinch-ifying

2011-12-11T17:27:00.005-05:00

For the past forever since we lost Anna, I've felt very much the Grinch. Only there was no frame-breaking heart-growing for me. I stayed mean and broken and sad and wished the calendar would fly straight from Thanksgiving to Mid-March. No holiday to remind me what I was missing. No anniversary of the loss that forever changed our lives.

However. I think perhaps my heart is less broken now. It's not bursting out of it's x-ray frame, but I imagine a heart taped back together - missing a few pieces that are gone forever, struggling to endure.
It's hard to say where the tape and bandaid came from. Part is the joy in my heart in seeing my Jessica happily married to James. I do so want her happiness in life. And Elisha is a happy boy too - James has made their family more complete. Part is the contentment I've found in my relationship with Chuck. We've been together nearly three years, but something inside me changed when we got married. I've surrendered some of the burden of responsibility I've felt FOR EVERYTHING. And letting go of that has lightened my heart, I suppose. I still have times when my guilt and shame and sadness and anger and hopelessness return to visit me, but it's not so bad (Better living through chemicals helps). I've grown very accustomed to the weight of all that.

I wish I had more memories. Many of my memories of my babies is shuffled and confused - I know ONE of them did that - or said that - but I don't remember which. I wish I had more memories to cover myself up with. Good memories. But most of what I have left are the memories of my teenager Anna. So - if you're reading this, and you have little ones - GO NOW! Make a memory. Sit on the sofa and hold them - smell them - feel their hair and their skin. Make as many memories as you can. In years to come, no matter how they leave you - your memories will be all you have. Go. Now.

That's CLIFTON to you!

2011-11-30T10:38:00.004-05:00

New name. New-feeling life. It feels like I've broken through some wall into "Married." Kinda like when I was a child, and we'd be driving the hours long drive for our beach vacation. When I'd see the big sign saying, "Welcome to North Carolina!" I thought something should be different - then much later we'd come to the big sign "Welcome to South Carolina!" I felt we were breaking through an invisible barrier of statehoods.

And now I've broken the invisible barrier into "Clifton." It does feel different. I'm saying, "Hi, this is Jennifer Bryant... uh, Clifton." I spent a day changing my name via City Hall, Social Security, DMV, bank and gym - two name changes submitted at work (payroll and actual work/email). What a headache!

Our honeymoon was lovely. Wonderful. Perfect weather & sunshine. More buffets and food than would fit in a month of Weight Watchers points (gained 8 pounds!). We've made it a whole week now! Still glad to be married. So far, so good!

Counting down single days

2011-11-18T15:10:00.002-05:00

I get married in less than a week. Yippee! I am excited. Although Chuck & I have been together nearly three years, "Married" is different from "Dating" or "Living Together." Married carries responsibilities - and a new name for me.

It will definitely take some getting used to being a "Clifton." Who? Me? I've been a Bryant longer than I was a Dowdy (my maiden name). For me, it has no attachments to my first husband - other than it's the name of my children. So I'm switching to "Clifton." Chuck has a hilarious time with all kinds of special privileges "because I'm a Clifton!" He says that his dad used to make up rules like "We can pass this slowpoke, because we're Cliftons!" I'm looking forward to all those imaginary perks with my initiation into the Clifton clan next Tuesday. Don't be surprised if you see my little white Honda whizzing along passing everyone (as usual) - my official excuse next week will be "Because I'm a Clifton!"

We Wuz Robbed!

2011-10-26T10:35:00.003-04:00

October 25, 2011. The day that strangers went through my house looking for stuff they could steal to sell. Ick. They went through my clothes drawers, pulled mattresses off the box springs, and I'm sure they got pissed off I had very little worth stealing. The Wii and WiiFit where I started exercising before I was brave enough to walk outside. The PlayStation given to me by Ramona after we lost Anna so I could take my mind off my problems. Two sets of wedding rings & engagement rings from other husbands. My digital camera and iPod Touch - which I haven't used much since I got my snazzy iPhone. Chuck's bicycle (but not mine). His air compressor. My nifty OTT crafting light that he just got me for my birthday (not even a month ago!).

When I got home from work, the two screen doors on the porch were wide open, and the house door was open too. I went in - noticed the door jamb hanging by a sliver. I figured Chuck had gotten off work early, was in the middle of some fix-up project (as he always is). I called him, and after several tries he finally convinced me it wasn't a prank - then I noticed our change basket was missing from the coffee table. I called 911. The most amazing thing is how well anti-anxiety meds work when you take them. I remained calm while talking to the police officer, as I kept discovering things that were missing. Relieved my TV and computer were still okay. Glad I'd had my precious iPhone with me at work.

After the police were gone, I decided I had to have Mexican food, so off to San Marcos we went. I managed to avoid the Points of a margarita, but overdid it on nacho chips. All in all, I'm still calm. We now think a neighbor may have seen the 3 guys who did the stealing in a gray Camry. I'm pretty sure I'll never see my things again. But I still have my pictures, my books, my yarn. I'm okay. I just KNEW things were going too well for me lately!

Date Set - Countdown begins!

2011-10-07T10:32:00.005-04:00

With all the wedding bells in the air when Jes and James married, Chuck & I decided to tie the knot in November. This November. First things first - we got hotel reservations for Thanksgiving weekend to honeymoon! We went back and forth, over and over trying to get someone to make the ceremony legal - which is all I care about. Quick. Legal. Over - let's celebrate! We started with the date 11-11-11 - pretty neat date, but couldn't get an officiant. I didn't want a church wedding (seems silly to me to have my third wedding in a church) - and ministers want you to do the pre-marital counseling - which I'm sure is a valid and good thing to do - but not for me. I don't get along with church anyway. We switched the date to 11-22-11, and I arranged for one of the Court Magistrates to come to our house and marry us at 5:30 that day. Witnesses will be few, close family. Quick. Legal.

Wednesday we visited James and bought two nice wedding bands. Today, we're going to the Clerk's Office to get the official marriage license. We don't have to take an eye exam or pass a written test - just show ID and pay the fee.

Am I nervous? Sure. Am I sure? Mostly. I find myself unable to trust or believe in anything or anyone as completely and fully as I was capable of in my youth. Too many broken dreams and promises, too many heartaches and heartbreaks, too many tears. I do remember the day I married my first husband. It was a golden August day. I remember looking up at him, with the sun shining all around him in a golden halo and knowing for sure and certain that it was the right thing. And it was. The right thing for me that day at that time of my life when all I wanted to do was be a grown up - free and on our own and in love. What it really meant was getting a job and working fifty weeks a year - then we grew up and grew different, and I'd prefer never speak to him again. We did have two gorgeous, wonderful daughters who remain the best thing I've ever done. They gave me the brightest hours - the darkest hours.

So here I go again. Trying to trust. Trying to believe. I know if I fall, he will catch me.

So long, CGOA

2011-09-25T16:17:00.001-04:00

Sadly, this was the last day of the Crochet Guild of America Fall Conference in Greensboro. I can honestly and enthusiastically say that I enjoyed every minute of my time there! The people, the yarn, the shopping, the lovely handwork all around, the opportunities to learn and make my work better & easier - and everyone was happy to be there!

Today was my morning class with knit & crochet rock star, Lily Chin. She was adorable in a crochet mini dress! The class was "Crochet Tips & Techniques" and that is exactly what her three hours were jam packed with.

My class yesterday was a technique, then two hours to practice that one thing in a few different ways. Today, Lily was a non-stop fountain of ways to make our crafty lives easier & faster & better. There were ideas for starting & ending & everything in between. Fantastic!

Naturally I had to return to the market floor after class to snag several recommended items. This kind of shopping is my idea of fun.

So I sadly end my weekend of geek love. I enjoyed it all, and my brain is brimming with new ideas (much like my yarn basket is brimming with new stash). Now I have two days of vacation from work to play with yarn, practice new techniques, and celebrate the grand holiday that is my birthday! What a great weekend!!

CGOA Day Two

2011-09-24T20:39:00.001-04:00

I drove back down to Greensboro (again in pouring rain) this morning. I reviewed the shopping floor. I got my book "Crochet Border" autographed by the author, Edie Eckman. Next was a meet-up for Ravelry users where I saw Drew Emborsky, the Crochet Dude. I sat beside a lady from England & met a lady from Australia! Crochet rocks!

Then it was time for my class - the PULAD method of working two-color designs without cutting yarn. Neat! We made samples.

I swear the road home from Greensboro is twice as long as the road there! Tomorrow is my last day - morning class.

CGOA Day one

2011-09-23T22:18:00.001-04:00

I took the day off work to go to the Crochet Guild of America's Fall Conference at the Koury Convention Center in Greensboro NC today. My plans were made months ago when I signed up for two classes. I've never seen a CGOA event this close to me.

Today was my day to shop & look around and gawk and revel in a world where I'm not the solitary crocheter - where Ravelry is well-known, where other people love this stuff as much as me!

Without a timeline, I drove through pouring rain to the KCC, arriving around 10:30. I registered & got my goodie bag (yarn in a jumbo totebag from Lion Brand. Then I headed to the conference shopping floor. I was not disappointed! As I walked into the hall, the first thing I saw was a rack of free shopping bags! I turned toward a wall of crocheted items - candidates for "peoples choice" award. And there was Doris Chan who I've seen on several tv shows. I shopped around the room systematically (of course). I bought an ergonomic crochet hook I've seen advertised, but not available at Hobby Lobby. I was like a kid in Santa's toybox. I fondled lots of yarn. I lusted over high-priced yarns. I signed up for mailing lists. I saw Edie Eckman who wrote three of my favorite crochet books. I bought a keyring crochet hook, and decided $32 was too much for cool earrings. I smiled at my fellow shoppers. While taking a break to rehydrate (very important while drooling over yarn), I saw a sign announcing a Knit & Crochet Fashion Show starting in an hour. So I went back to the yarn and books and patterns and crafty ideas for more touchy-feely fun.

With about 15 minutes to spare, I snagged a front row seat at the Show. I talked to the lady next to me about other shows she's been to and we found we have our Sunday class together The show started and much ooohing and aaaahing followed. I loved it. I then went and ordered 4 skeins of one of the featured yarns from the show. And I bought a DVD of the Mosaic Crochet technique which I've heard good things about - and it's by the woman who'll be teaching one of my classes.

Feeling tired, I made a final lap around, still resisted the earrings and headed out. Still grinning ear to ear. The rain had stopped, which I took as a sign I should have a late lunch at Moe's!

Once home, I emptied my goodie bags and spread out my loot like a kid after Halloween. Four tote bags, a NantucketBagg, two new hooks, 4 skeins yarn ordered & 2 in hand, keyring hook, CGOA pin & bag, a DVD, and a pile of pamphlets & handouts & free patterns & adverts for future shows.

Tomorrow promises to be equally thrilling.

Still Loving September

2011-09-14T15:07:00.003-04:00

For those of you who've been reading over the past five years, you will know I've survived some very dark days. On most of those days (and through the long long dark nights), the only thing tethering me to life was my refusal to add "Mother" to Jessica's list of losses. I couldn't think of anything else to make life worth continuing.

I am absolutely 100% glad that I was alive Saturday to be a part of JBB2.

The wedding was a wonderful, sweet, perfectly lovely event. Everyone was celebrating the love evident between Jessica and James and Elisha. The three of them together just seem so natural that they just have to go together. I got to play with the girls at manicures and pedicures and fancy hair and airbrush makeup. Mimosas and O'Kellys at the hair salon. Laughing together.

The ceremony and their vows were especially sweet. I managed not to "ugly cry," but to keep my sniffles to a minimum. I know there will be ups and downs for the newlyweds in the future; however, my deepest desire is that they will be able to remember their joy, their commitment, their passion and true devotion of that day. There were many witnesses to their special day and all of us saw the love they each have for the other. Congratulations and my wish for a lifetime of love for the new Buckner family.

September Love

2011-09-06T13:21:00.004-04:00

I love September. Always have.

As a nerdy kid who lived 20 minutes away from school, I never saw most school friends over the summer. I liked school, love school supplies (notice that's still present tense!), and socialized at school. September meant school starting up again. Never a fan of hot-hot temperatures, September means cooler weather. My birthday is September 27th - and I have always loved my birthday.

I started this September off with FOUR days off in a row. I added a Friday vacation day off before Labor Day weekend. C went away to his caving/camping trip, so I had the house all to myself. Nothing to do but watch movies and crochet, get my walk in every day in the morning before it started sweltering. So that's exactly what I did. I made lots of progress on my three ongoing projects. I really like having the three projects going at the same time. That way, when I get a section done on one, I move to a different project.

One day I spent a while with E. He is a mostly agreeable, hilarious companion. He had an idea for me to make a video of him playing his videogame to post on YouTube. I don't have a video camera, I told him. He answered that we should go to the Dollar Store and get one. So I tried to explain that things like video cameras and flatscreen TVs and computers aren't at the Dollar Store. He thought we should try anyway! ... We like going to movies together, and he said he's like to see "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" again - so we went. I told E that I don't like scary movies since they give me bad dreams. Sitting and waiting for the movie to begin, he told me, "Grammy, if you get too scared, you can put your head on my shoulder." {SO SWEET!!!} Then, during a scary part of the movie, I did lay my head his skinny little shoulder - and he patted my arm. Such a tender, sweet, funny, wonderful boy.

And of course, there is the Wedding this Saturday! My beautiful Jessica marrying her James, with E walking her down the aisle. She has done a fabulous job organizing and planning and preparing for the Grand Event. I truly hope it will all go smoothly and that they all have only joy and happiness for ever and ever.

Irene's in the neighborhood

2011-08-27T15:21:00.002-04:00

This is how the sky looked as I drove home from work around noon today. We're on the outer bands of the clouds of Irene as she batters the coast. The clouds are thick and dark, and moving SO fast. I just hope she brings us some rain - several days of steady rain.

My crochet week plan was disrupted by my inability to make a decision this week. I was so disheartened by my WW experience (staff meetings, surprise weigh-ins, driving time, etc) that I was on the verge of quitting completely. So I backed off the highly-charged emotional topic and decided to give myself another day to consider (as counseled by friends to do). That night, I was asked to cover a meeting as a Leader (which is what I really want to do). Just like that.
*poof* My attitude was completely different. Being the Leader at the meeting is very different from being the Receptionist (which I've been doing for nearly a year - but that meeting is about an hour's drive away). SO! I prepared and did the meeting - felt great about it. Don't know where that leaves me, other than, I'm not ready to quit - JUST YET!

I'm sure it's shocking to those of you who know me well to find out that I have an APP on my iPhone to schedule and track all my crochet projects - when step 1 of project B needs to be completed, etc etc etc. Go figure. This week, instead of happy little smiley faces reassuring me I'm on schedule for xmas deadlines --- I have angry little exclamation marks. "Item Past Due!" Yeah - I know. I'll get right on that. And I will - I have a FOUR DAY WEEKEND coming up next weekend. HOOOOOO-RAY!!! C will be away from Thursday til Monday - so I don't know who will be doing the cooking and cleaning around here! I will be busily crocheting away.
{For any other nerd-heads out there, if you have to keep track of multiple tasks on multiple projects - the APP is called "Complete" and it's $1.99. I ABSO-F***ING-LUTELY LOVE IT}

Stay high and dry, my friends. Or pick one or the other. Just don't drive.

Note to Self: Take your meds

2011-08-20T19:47:00.004-04:00

As the title says: Note to Self: Self, Take your damn meds. So if you know or love or tolerate or try to understand someone on anti-depressants, this is for you too. If Self runs out of her meds - because the bottle is getting empty - maybe she can make it 3 or 4 days between a pill - make `em last longer... or when Self runs out of pills, she says, "Oh yeah - don't forget to refill the scrip!" and then forgets to refill - then calls in the refill, but forgets to pick it up... or when Self decides she's tired of letting some damn chemicals run her life and keep her from her feelings... That's when it's okay to say, "TAKE YOUR DAMN CHILL PILL!"

I don't know about everybody else. I have only my experience to base this on. For me, what happens when Self doesn't take her meds? Not anxiety - I see that as hanky-twisting, toe-tapping worrying. Depression is always right here, just below the surface (don't push too hard, or it'll push back). For me, it's RAGE. Red-hot, fire-breathing dragon of FURY. Hair-trigger switch. Zero to one-twenty in half a second. I can mope around anyday. No problem. I can usually walk away from whatever makes me angry. But when know-it-all Self runs out of meds, I get murderous. I shouldn't be allowed around people or animals. My language becomes a string of 4-letter words (with one prominent word, used as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb - always with an exclamation point). With tears just beneath the fury. Choking down a sob to holler more cuss words in a blue-stream until I'm hoarse. Until Self runs completely out of energy, and I collapse.

Twice this week. Two days. Hours spent plotting how best to commit crimes, run into idiot drivers, quit my jobs and join the welfare state. If only RAGE burns calories the way it burns my heart (and that of anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves in my path).

And so now, prescription refilled and taken, I am exhausted. I promise to take it again tomorrow too. And the next day too. The hell with what Self tells me to do. If feeling my feelings really just means feeling my hurt and anger, I am better off numb.

TGIFriday

2011-08-19T13:19:00.003-04:00

The best thing about noon on Friday is I'm that much closer to 4:00 on Friday! I have little actually PLANNED for this weekend, but I do want to make progress on my crochet projects (only four or five actively being worked on). I have to go to a WW Seminar in Lynchburg Saturday afternoon - but that means I have to go to Lynchburg where there's a Moe's and an A.C.Moore! Mexican food and yarn! YUM!

Some crafters are "process" guided, and some are "product" guided. For some of us, the pleasure is in the calming, mind-clearing repetition of stitches forming themselves into beauty. For others, it's all about the final product, then on to the next. I'd have to say that I'm right in the middle of both. My day is better when I include an hour or so (at least) of crochet. I can focus my mind on the task at hand (literally!). I watch the pattern design develop into a part of a larger part of a still larger item. Most of my WIPs (Works In Progress) are made of many smaller parts joined into sections that join into larger sections and finally join into the finished project. Then there's bordering and backing. But I definitely know how to be satisfied with the final afghan or scarf or whatever. Satisfaction = pleasure = contentment.

I had a rotten day yesterday. My afternoon at work was hair-pulling-frustration, followed by road rage, leading to a meltdown. Luckily I melted down all by myself - no one else got hit by the spatter of my fury. Then I did a strange thing: I changed into my shorts and walking shoes, and I hit the road. Perhaps the first couple of blocks, I was STOMPING more than walking, but then the heat of the day, the audiobook in my ears, the constant "one foot in front of another" took my 3-1/2 mile neighorbood loop and my rage and frustration and anxiety and fizzled it all away. By the time I got back home, all I was concerned with was a cold shower. The walk took the energy of a temper-tantrum (which is how I felt) and released the pressure valve. Best of all, after cooling down, I felt good enough to crochet!

Lovely Day

2011-08-13T19:56:00.003-04:00

My first ever non-mentored or observed Weight Watchers meeting as a Leader was Thursday night. I talked too much. I kept the time right - no GSS - but I talked too much. I lectured. Today I did the meeting again and it was GREAT! It was a conversation between friends! I was spot on with the meeting time and the GSS time. Very happy with it. So comfortable with it. YAY!

So after WW, I picked up my favorite dynamic duo, Jes & E, and we headed out to my Mom and Dad's house. From there - we headed to Lynchburg for MOE'S and ACMoore. MY TWO FAVORITE PLACES! (besides Disneyworld - much less expensive and closer than Disney) I had the tofu salad - YUM, then I bought YARN! YIPPEE! It doesn't take much to thrill the hell out of me & today was it. It was great talking and laughing with Jes and my mom and dad - and E was a total comedian! My heart was happy and content.

Now I'm home and have played with the yarn - where to put the new stuff, move around the old stuff, etc. I finished three blocks on the project that will probably be for me. It's a granny square sampler afghan. I'm doing it in pinks and purples with aqua thrown in for fun - and for me, of course, it's a GRAMMY Square Sampler! I'm learning a new technique - well, new-to-me anyway - of joining the squares as they're made. It seemed kinda fiddly to start with, but I think I'm gonna like it.

Things to Make & Do

2011-08-09T13:23:00.002-04:00

I love crochet. It brings a smile to my face to create something from yarn and hold it in my hand and be happy with its loveliness. And I love color. Bright colors and dark colors and neon colors and primary colors and jewel tones and earth tones - COLORS!

So I absolutely 100% endorse Adaiha's "Granny-A-Day Project." She has pictures of her squares on her website - and the beauty of the COLOR and the CROCHET make me SMILE! Go - visit - be inspired to make something beautiful today!

More Yarny Fun

2011-08-07T10:37:00.002-04:00

I have become obsessed with my crochet projects. I only read on my lunch hour at work - I am crocheting or searching patterns or looking at lovely things on Ravelry.com. All of the Mumsies have been made for Jes' bridesmaids' bouquets. I've got three big projects underway - and they all make me smile! The biggest enabler is the Vannas Choice Fans Group on Ravelry. It is a very active, large group, and I am amazed daily at the items members post. They're the best online community I've ever found, and I've found countless patterns and projects to add to my Queue. There are swaps (usually of 9" or 12" squares) in specified colors to join - I participated in one swap based on Iris colors: purple, green, and white. I was pleased with the squares I made and mailed out all over the country, and now I'm just waiting on the last four squares to be delivered to me - then I'll just join them together for an afghan. While I enjoyed the swap very much, I realized that I didn't like the pressure to make "perfect" squares. So NOW I'm participating in two CAL's - Crochet-A-Longs. There is a set schedule to complete parts or the project to finish by a certain date. It's fun to see how other members in the group put their spin on one pattern - by use of color and techniques. The group also makes "comfortghans" for members going through tough times. For those, members volunteer to make one or two squares (in predetermined colors) and send them to the "joiner" who puts the squares together and sends it to the recipient. I've made two squares for two different comfortghans - one for a lady going through a separation that turned into divorce, and one for a lady who's father was in hospice, but he's now passed away. There is always someone there to answer technical questions - to share a good day, and a bad day. Several of the members have had their patterns published in "Interweave Crochet" or other magazines. Anyway - I'm loving it. I hate going to work, because I could spend that time crocheting!

I have two Weight Watcher meetings to LEAD this week, filling in Thursday night & Saturday morning. Nervous, but not too bad. I like telling myself that if I don't like it, I don't have to keep doing it! I can QUIT!

In the world's biggest headline from this past week: Chuck finally got a job! A full-time, NOT-TEMP job -- with BENEFITS and a pay raise and EVERYTHING! FINALLY! I definitely believe he wouldn't have done it without my bitching and pushing. Yeay me!

I'm off to crochet. of course.

June

2011-06-11T07:49:00.003-04:00

I have found renewed love for my crochet since stumbling into a very active Ravelry.com group called "Vanna's Choice Fan Group." They are funny and wise and constantly keeping my interest in crochet at a fever pitch. I've joined a swap - 20 squares in five set colors that I'll make and send out into the world, and 20 different squares will come to me for an afghan. Loving it so far! I've also signed up for the "mysteryghan" - which I've never participated in before. The pattern designer sends out "clues" every week with instructions for a motif. I make the motifs, then wait anxiously for the next clue. For Ms Control Freak, it's freeing to jump off the ledge not knowing what the final project will look like. So far, it's lovely, and I'm very happy with it. I come home from work every day just wanting to get out my yarn and HOOK!

I got through Anna's birthday this week. Five birthdays without her now. Big difference between an 17-year-old and a 23-year-old. What have I missed? What has SHE missed! I feel more and more like only a few of us are remembering her anymore. I know that happens - people have lives that fill up with so much other stuff. I remember her. Constantly. Every day. I know Jes does - and Katie - and Ashley. I just want to scream - DON'T FORGET HER! DON'T FORGET MY ANNA!!! So consider that my screaming for the day.

Chuck has a new job (again) - starts Monday as maintenance guy for two apartment complexes. Fingers crossed he'll last long enough to get me back on my financial feet. Paying real estate taxes and insurance out of pocket every June and December kills me! Where do they expect me to come up with an extra $500?

He is off on an overnight camping trip, so I'm going to get off the computer and get out my yarn and hooks and patterns and have some crochet fun. (yes, I know I'm a geek - proud of it)

MayDay

2011-05-15T12:52:00.007-04:00

I'm having a great weekend. What am I doing? NOTHING! HOORAY! No alarm clock! No responsibilities! I've had something to do every day for a long time - even on the cruise, I had to hurry up and get to the buffet! Heaven forbid I'd miss one!

So I'm at least doing nothing structured. I took a long walk this morning when the sun finally came out - so that's my "activity points" for the day. I'm doing laundry and hanging it on my new clothesline. I've signed up to do a swap on Ravelry.com (the most wonderful crochet & knitting website ever!) - so I'm planning which 9" square patterns I want to use.

I worked on my Moorish Mosaic afghan yesterday. LOVELY! While taking the picture, I realized that one of my octagons was really a ?(what's the word for nine-agon). The brown one. So I had to take out all the brown and redo it. much better! It just makes me smile - even though all the motifs aren't exactly the same size, that will work out when I put it together.

Jes has commissioned me to try and come up with her bridal bouquet out of crochet. Here's one I tried - called "Mumsy." I think a bunch of these together would make a very nice, fluffy bouquet. Suggestions welcome. In addition to her bouquet, she's looking for crafty, relatively inexpensive, DIY ideas for table centerpieces. Also, suggestions welcome. Ramona and Cindy are also on the "Crafty Ideas Committee."

I am going to Raleigh this coming weekend (Friday through Sunday) for Weight Watchers "Basic Leader Skills" training where I will learn to be a WW Leader. I've been a WW Receptionist since last fall, and I enjoy it. It does help keep me on track and accountable - so I won't let my weight creep back up. I look forward to being a Leader. Fingers crossed all goes well.

I have to take a "Before" picture to the training. D'ya think this is TOO before? I think I was a very cute kindergartner - back in the days before color film (much less digital).

This is the picture I'm using. It's not very good - I pretty much avoided the camera then. Didn't want to be photographed. Somehow, being overweight is much worse when you look at a picture of yourself. You can kinda lie to the mirror, but a photo in hand is hard to explain away.

SO! That's my May update. I am very glad to have a weekend to crochet and catch up on shows on my DVR. Here's hoping next weekend goes smoothly - then the next weekend is a THREE-DAY WEEKEND! HOORAY!!!! I'm planning another NOTHING weekend. Do I know how to live-it-up, or WHAT!

It's been a while

2011-04-16T18:16:00.006-04:00

It has been a long while since I've been here at my blog. Wonder why? I had nothing to say? nothing to do? nothing going on? Hmmm... nothing's changed - I still got nothing! Okay - except for going on the 3G Cruise over Easter. 3G = 3 Generations of Bryant/Shelton - 3 gramma's, 3 moms and 3 grandsons. I'm so looking forward to it! I love being with the Sheltons - and of course, I adore my Jes and Elisha most especially of all!

Then, there's Jes & James' wedding in September. I just want love and joy and lifetimes of happiness for all three of them. {Insert happy sighs while visions of lovebirds tweets around}

My lovelife is fine. Nothing groundbreaking - no crises. That's a good thing! Chuck has a job now (yippee!!) PLUS he's rebuilding my carport for me. The realization came to me today that he does what he says he'll do. Now THAT is groundbreaking! ... work is work. I'm also working as a receptionist at Weight Watchers & I will go in May to "Leader School" to be a meeting leader. I like how since it's my "second" job, there's much less stress about it. If I like it, fine! If I don't, eh... I have kept my 35 pounds lost last year off over 12 months now. Yay me!

My main reason for being here now is that I am going to start a major crochet project. (Yeah, I know - how exciting.) Well! For me - it IS exciting. I remember seeing the pattern several years ago and thinking, "Ugh! That's waaayyy too much work for me!" And now, I think I can do it. I am going to give it a shot anyway. It's not that the pattern is difficult - it's that the layout is highly unusual and different. It's called the "Babette." I bought the yarn (over 17 colors) today.

Here's the link to find more info about this pattern from Interweave Press:

http://www.interweavestore.com/Crochet/Patterns/Babette-Blanket.html

and what their picture looks like (I chose different colors):

I've also started another challenging crochet project. In this one "Moorish Mosaic" afghan, the pattern is kinda difficult - but it's the same pattern for all the octagons (24, i think). The beauty comes from different rows done with different yarns. So far, it's lovely!

I think the decision to start the Babette came when I realized I had finished up a major project. I did 30 squares in purples and greens out of cotton yarn. I've been accumulating squares (each a different pattern) for about two years. Then I saw - "Hey! I've got 27 squares! Might as well finish up 3 more and put them all together!" So I did. It makes me happy.

Lately

2010-10-23T21:03:00.001-04:00

I'm actually composing this post on my new-to-me iPod touch using wi-fi. Amazing. Still working out the details but really loving it. Gotta love an inside connection to PawnAmerica!
I will officially start my training to work @ wt watchers this week. That's what I need -another job. But this will keep me on program so I don't just gain my 35# back.
Have decided to do Xmas eve @ my house for a change this year. Big change. Maybe I'm old enough at last. Turkey tacos?

Five years. It's almost five years without Anna. I miss her so much. I missed her @ E's birthday party. She has missed baby e growing into his 7-year old self. She has missed so much. And I've missed so much of her -a lot happens from 17 to 22. So much. Too much.
I'm glad for the relationship I have with Jes - without her I'd be empty.

Too much.

53.

2010-10-05T19:41:00.002-04:00

I'm 53 years old. How the hell did that happen? 53. I remember thinking someone in their 20s was OLD! So mature! and here I am. on the far side of 20. for sure.

I celebrated my birthday week in grand style. Doing nothing. I took a week's vacation from work - although there was no money to go anywhere - I made the best of my Stay-cation. One day I spent with Jes going to GSO to the craft store - to Steak N Shake - where I had the YUMMIEST banana milkshake! - then to the health food store. Yum-OOOOO! It's just so much fun to be with her - to listen to her stories - to be so proud of her, her beauty, her wisdom, her nuttiness, her mothering abilities, her nursing heart. Amazing. She is a completely amazing woman.
And one day I spent with my Mom & Dad going to a Chinese food buffet in Lynchburg - where I had wonderful food - and it was so fun to spend time with my mom and dad.
And one afternoon, I picked the E-Man up from school (first grade!) - and then we went to Hobby Lobby and got supplies - then I taught him to needlepoint. A very basic simple design - the most awesome letter "E". He chose green canvas and yellow yarn to "sew" his design for his mom - because those are her favorite colors. And of course, there was Taco Bell and Bubba's!
And one day it rained - and I slept in! Every time I'd start to wake up, I'd think, "HA! I'm not going to work in the rain!" and roll over feeling like I'd won the lottery.
And I'd sleep til 8 am (which is LATE considering I have to be at work at 7!) - then I'd get up, put on my sneakers and out I'd go for a nice long walk. I think I walked about 15 miles or so. I enjoyed it - because I wasn't tired from working all day - because it was nice and sunny at 10:00 in the morning - because if I walked, I could justify eating whatever I wanted for dinner. In addition to GSO and Lynchburg and Taco Bell and Bubba's, I had Western Sizzlin buffet one night.

THEN! At WW Saturday, I'd lost .4 lb. It was the walking.

It was such a nice week. No arguments. No office politics. No idiots to deal with at work. then it was over, and I'm back to work.

And I'm getting ready to start training as the newest "receptionist apprentice" at Weight Watchers. I figure it'll keep me on my plan, encourage me not to let the 35 pounds jump back on with their friends. Not stressing over it.

I get next Monday off for Columbus Day - then have two more days off this month. I love the fall.

otr2010

2010-09-08T20:47:00.001-04:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

On depression

2010-07-29T13:47:00.003-04:00

A friend at work loaned me her copy of "Jan's Story" by Barry Peterson. He is a CBS news reporter, and the book is the story of his wife's journey with Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease. She was in her early 50's when she was diagnosed; she was living in a facility with the end-stage of the disease as the book ended (her body remains relatively healthy even as her brain deteriorates). It was a well-written, interesting, informative book that talked about the stages they moved through as a couple for years. He apparently adored her - he portrays her as a perfect, happy, cheerful, exuberant, intelligent woman before the disease took over.

I understood his descriptions of his own journey into depression and suicidal thoughts as he struggled to be the best caregiver he could be. I share the following quotes here, because I don't want to lose them -- and because I've been there. Barry's daughters and granddaughter pulled him back from the edge -- just as my love for Jessica and Elisha yanked me back.

P 135 – “… there was another storm of emotion forming; … why keep going? Why? It is a volatile and dangerous question. And when there seems no purpose and no destination in life, there looms a dark place where there is an answer, an frightening but calmly appealing answer. And I thought perhaps in that darkness I would find, if not solace, an end to the pain.”

Pg138 – “I was finally and hopelessly lost in the darkest part of a valley, a deep abyss, a place that offers no good rason to go on. In this valley, in this blinding blackness, all you can see is what is gone. And you only see that in your memories.”

P 139 – “It was the pain, not my life that I wanted to end.”

And so I was pulled back from the edge that Anna leapt from. I understand in my head and in my heart, but the pain endures unchanging.

Feeling 5K-challenged

2010-06-13T10:20:00.002-04:00

With less than a week before my "running" 5K, the reality of impossibility is setting in. I know, I know - not the right attitude. I accept that I won't run the whole thing - but I'm seriously wondering if I'll be able to finish!?! Today in my 'Couch to 5K' schedule, I was supposed to warmup brisk walk 5 minutes, run 5, walk 3, run 8, walk 3, run 5, walk 5... that's 23 minutes 'running.' I went to the GW track to change up the routine - it was early and cool; I had the track to myself. I did it. {Side note: my right hamstring was KILLING me after my last workout, so I stretched it much more before and after today - and it feels great now!}

BUT! It's 1/4 mile around one lap of the track - I started on the outside lane, and moved in a lane every lap to keep up with how many times around I went - I did my cool-down 5 minutes on the inside lane #7... so that's ? a 1.75 mile in 30 minutes? The 5K (THIS SATURDAY!) is 3.1 miles. So I'm looking at "running" the 5K in an HOUR? I was WALKING the 5K in 45 minutes! HUH?!!! I know I'm not catching anything on fire running fast, but that just seems ridiculous. How can I possibly be burning more calories jogging than when I was walking as fast as I could? Just the jiggling of all the fat burns more?

I am pretty realistic about things. I know I'm 52 years old. I know my ability level. I don't want to totally embarrass myself Saturday. Even if I don't know any of those people. Still. I'd rather they don't have to send the little golfcart up the path to get me. I think the alien that had possessed me had the confidence, and I think the alien has left the building...

Happy 22nd Birthday, Anna

2010-06-08T15:37:00.002-04:00

I miss my family.

Happy Birthday, Anna Michael Bryant.

So what's next for the Pod Person?

2010-06-02T19:41:00.004-04:00

{My sister is sure the real non-sweating, couch potato Jennifer has been replaced by the aliens' pod person.}

I started Weight Watchers to lose weight & be able to get my beautiful ring comfortably on my fat sausage-link fingers. I started walking to help the Weight Watchers. I've started the Couch to 5K run/walking to speed up the Weight Watchers results.

Then what? The Couch to 5K is nine weeks. I'm on week four now, and I've signed up as a "runner" for a 5K on June 19th. If you sign up as a "walker," you're not supposed to run at all - throws the times all out of whack. So I signed up as a runner, intending to do a combination of running & walking. Or jogging and walking. Maybe it's called a "trot." Isn't that what those horses in the harness races do? Yeah - that's about my speed.

I'm less than five pounds away from my weight goal. So that is within my slimmer fingers' grasp almost.

So after the Couch to 5K week nine. After the WW goal is reached. Then what? I've heard that setting goals is important, and I guess I've been pretty good about that so far this trip. But then what? "Maintain" isn't a realistic goal. Suggestions???

A part of me is TERRIFIED of gaining the weight right back. It's happened before! Why not again? What's different? I'm still fat in my head. I smile and say, "Thank you!" to the compliments on how much better I look physically. I know that I do - but inside my head I hear, "Yeah - they THINK you look better - good thing they can't see you naked! That fat belly!" Never good enough. Never enough. I haven't really challenged myself this weight journey - I know it LOOKS like I have, but I really haven't. I've been too afraid I would get discouraged, frustrated, angry, whatever and just quit. Wouldn't be the first time!

I remember thinking in my MUCH younger days that perhaps I could follow in my mom's running shoes. This was after I had Anna and had lost my weight. I went for a teeny, tiny little run around the neighborhood. When I came back, I proudly said to my husband, "Guess what! I ran! I really ran!!" He answered, "I know - I could feel the ground shaking." It's a good line - but I didn't appreciate it & I did not even THINK about running again until now - twenty-some years later.

My bitchy inner critic is always there. I don't have the angel on one shoulder, devil on the other. I just have the bitch-me-voice constantly. I've been counting my WW "points" now for almost sixteen weeks. Tonight, I had used 19 of my 21 points for the day, and I was considering a snack. That bitch-voice laid into me "You know you've probably cheated somewhere today! You didn't exercise - it's your day off, lazy ass!" Will I always have her in my head? She is certain that I will backslide. She is confident I will screw up, give up, quit quit quit. That's part of why I'm making no guarantees, no promises. We'll just have to wait and see who's right.

Who the hell am I?

2010-05-31T15:02:00.017-04:00

Seriously - Who Am I?

I haven't blogged much since Chuck proposed. That was a very fun Valentine's Day. We had a great "date" at Los Tres - then came home and he asked, and I said yes. The ring is lovely. He was genuinely happy that I agreed to be his wife. Amazing!! We took pictures that night. I looked at the ring that I barely got on my finger - a very tight fit. I looked at my chins in the photos. I thought about the WiiFit telling me my weight was almost 200 lbs. And I thought about it. And I thought some more. It wasn't a surprise to me that I'd let my weight climb back up and beyond my previous weights. It was just sad that I realized I'd done it. I looked at the beautiful ring on my chubby finger.

And I decided to re-join Weight Watchers. I looked for a WW Buddy - Ashley volunteered. Chuck even said he'd give it a try. So, that first Saturday after Valentine's Day, February 20th, I joined. My initial weight was 197. I really haven't taken the best of care of my self since we lost Anna. I didn't want to live myself, so why suffer through a diet? Wasn't going to work every day bad enough? I lived on microwave popcorn (the good kind with BUTTER) and fast food for months after Jessica & Elisha moved into their house, leaving me with no-one to watch me eat, no-one to be accountable to. And then I quit smoking in February 2008 which nudged the scales up a bit. I suppose quitting smoking was the first thing I really did to say, "I am alive, and I will stop killing myself." Chuck quit Weight Watchers after a month and no weight loss. Ashley has had a bunch of health problems that have kept her from participating. But for some reason - I kept going even though I had an excuse - "I can't do it by myself!" - but I haven't given up. Go figure.

I've heard about lots of diets and weight loss plans, but for me, Weight Watchers is the ONLY one that will ever work. Most diets tell you what you CAN'T have - that makes me immediately decide I have to have it - whatever it is! I can have anything I want on the Weight Watchers plan, so long as I "budget" for it. I am a number-oriented person, so counting my "points" is no big deal. Keeping the food journal - no problem. And I've lost weight every single week since I joined. This coming week will be sixteen weeks. I've lost 30.2 pounds. I weigh 166.8 pounds. The last time I weighed in the 160s was when Weight Watchers helped me take off my baby weight after Anna was born (okay - that's 22 years ago). My goal is 162 - that's a loss of 35 pounds which for me being 5'9" is practical. The goal is in sight. YAY Me!

But, here's the problem. Who the hell am I now? I knew that if I wanted to lose the weight faster than just watching my food intake - I needed to exercise. So - okay, I can walk. I started walking. Chuck & I would walk on the River Trail (the best thing about the City of Danville). Then, after about two months of that, I read that you burn TWICE the calories if you run/jog than if you walk. Also, Weight Watchers was encouraging members to sign up for a 5K walk.

Being the person I am, I signed up for two - on two consecutive Saturdays. I practiced. I made sure I could complete the course. I downloaded an aerobic dance mix for my iPod to keep my pace up. Me? In a 5K? I finished the first walk on West Main St in 45 minutes. Jessica joined me for the second one - very crowded on the river trail that took us 46 minutes. We were hoofing it!

I found the "Couch to 5K" program at www.coolrunning.com. It's a nine-week program that takes you from couch potato to 5K RUNNER. You start with intervals of jogging 60 seconds, walk 90 seconds repeated for 20 minutes. Then I found the audio "Podcasts for Runners" at iTunes where the guy has put the C25K (couch to 5K) to aerobic-mix music and he tells you when to walk, when to run, so I don't have to keep up with anything. I have completed three weeks of three days for each week's intervals. Yesterday, I did Week Four, Day One. It was: jog 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, jog 5 minutes, walk 180 seconds - done twice with brisk 5 minutes walks to warm up & cool down. I actually ran for sixteen minutes altogether. Unbelievable. I never would've believed you if you'd told me I would do that. NEVER. And more than that - no one that KNOWS me would've believed you. Ever. Never.

Even MORE unbelievable is that this morning I wanted to get up and do it again! But the program stresses that you take a day in between to let your body recover. So Chuck and I rode our bikes from one end of the river trail to the other, and back - took us 63 minutes. There's another 5K in two weeks - I am considering signing up to RUN the damn thing. I'm scheduling my life around when I can run. I'm always on the lookout for a new place to run. Run? Who? What?

I have obviously been taken over by aliens. Or my mom. Definitely one or the other.

humor after hiatus

2010-04-12T10:33:00.002-04:00

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history and burn any diaries or journals when you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello! Crap!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
14. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

15. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

16. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

17. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.

18. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

19. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

23. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

24. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

25. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my bottom dollar everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Snow Days

2010-01-31T16:01:00.001-05:00

I don't think we got the foot of snow as predicted, but we had snow coming down for about eighteen hours mixed with sleet. I made a test run to see if I could drive to work. However, I imagine the roads will be a little different at 6:45a.m. tomorrow than today at 3:00 in 45degree sunshine. I haven't done anything all weekend, except my Wii 30-minutes and read a funny little Stephanie Plum novel. And my weekend's almost over! No FAIR!

There just aren't enough hours in a weekend. I demand a recount.

project progress

2010-01-23T12:35:00.002-05:00

The "Jewel" sweater is ready to join at the below the armhole row - getting up courage to do that...

And here is the "Stone Path Hat" ... most difficult pattern so far... it has crochet cables and bobbles.... lions & tigers and bears - oh my!

I got nothing...

2010-01-21T13:21:00.002-05:00

"I got nothing" -- that's what my sister always says when she calls. Nothing. No news. Nothing exciting.

That's me too. I got nothing. I've been hermiting (new word) since going back to work. Jes & JB gave me the Wii and WiiFit for Christmas. It's so wonderful! I have done at least 30 minutes a day EVERY day since I hooked it up Christmas. It takes my mind off the fact that I'm "exercising" - I'm playing. I love the Island Cycling - If the parks & rec department would put up neato "GOALS" to go through on the bike trail, I would SO be there. It's the sense of accomplishment - the effort to top my last personal best. The sweatpants in my house where nobody can make comments about the fat lady huffing and puffing. I love it. It's the first thing I do when I get home in the afternoon after work, and it's the first thing I do on weekend mornings.

I haven't been reading, because the book I'm currently trudging through is a somewhat interesting non-fiction about the most expensive bottle of wine ever sold - which supposedly belonged to Thomas Jefferson - or may have been a fake - or not. It's not compelling at all - lots of wine history - lots of Jefferson history - lots of auction house history.... and it's heading to no conclusion at all. Why am I still reading it? To get to the end. It's probably time to skim.

I have been crocheting. And loving it. I've started the "Jewel" sweater. The pattern works downward from the shoulders, and I'm as far as joining under the armhole openings. It takes quite a bit of concentration, so I don't pull it out unless I have at least an hour to work on. I've also started a "Stone Path Hat" - which is undoubtedly the most difficult pattern I've ever crocheted. I had to write down the row-by-row instructions so I could visually see how the pattern got to Row 12 from Row 1. And it's with really thin yarn and a tiny hook. It's a good lunch-time project for work. And there's always a washcloth to work on while I watch TV or movies.

Watched "Big Fan" with Patton Oswalt last night. Loved it. Thought provoking regular guy story. It's marketed as a comedy - but it's not. More like "drama-lite."

And my home computer has an "anti-virus" virus where it won't let me do anything for constant "You've got a virus - buy our software (or else)" popups. I hate to even think about trying to fix it.

Like I said. I got nothing.

Avatar

2010-01-06T21:22:00.002-05:00

I absolutely loved Avatar (in 3D). It was gorgeous - lush - the depth and brightness of colors combined with the 3D gave it an altogether VELVETY feeling. The story was predictable and nothing unusual. But this is by far the most visually stimulating movie I've ever seen. It may be the Wizard of Oz of Elisha's generation. I need to go see it again on the big screen!

Jewel underway

2010-01-02T18:59:00.003-05:00

I've chosen the pattern. I've purchased the yarn. I've started my first garment. It's called "Jewel" - a lovely (HOPEFULLY SIMPLE) pattern for a sweater.
Wish me luck!

"what if" thoughts

2010-01-01T19:57:00.004-05:00

If Anna had graduated high school in 2006, she'd be graduating college this spring. Her plan was to major in History and maybe do something in government. I pictured her in the state legislature in Richmond - maybe becoming a lawyer. Or like nearly every other college student, she may have changed her major once she got there. There? Where? which college? Radford? Tech? then we would have been more personally affected by the massacre there in April 2007. What major would she have chosen? She loved music and her history. Would she have gone the 'teacher' route? I can see Anna with little kids, not so much teenagers. She hadn't quite grown into her "assertive Ashley" self.
Or would she have taken a completely different path? Would I have another grandchild? or two? She would've made an excellent mom - just like Jes is. What would their relationship be? And how would Elisha think of his Auntie? Would she have stayed near Danville? Would she have moved away? Would I be sad today because she would've had to "go back home" wherever her home would be? Would she be hanging with Katie in Boston? Arizona?
There would've been heartaches in these past 4 years. Broken hearts. Loser boyfriend(s). Disappointments. Trials and tribulations. But what would the joys have been? Accomplishments. Delights. Sharing emotional good & bads. I've wondered if her road may have been rockier. Drugs. Would her depression have caused different problems? Or would we have been able to manage it? What path would we be on today?
So many 'what if' questions.

I am the proudest mom in the world of Jessica. She has accomplished so much, been so strong, so smart, so absolutely hilarious. She's a great mom, excellent nurse, and she spread much christmas cheer to grinchy old me (or should i say "mii"?). I love you dearly, Jes. I look forward to following you into your future.

How I escaped 2009

2009-12-30T23:27:00.005-05:00

2009 Movies (62 of them)

28 Days Later AND 28 Weeks Later ... Zombies, they just keep coming back ... C
7 Pounds ... Will Smith, guilt, sacrifice ... A
Adventureland ... not another teen virgin trying to get laid? C
Aliens in the Attic ... Elisha thought this was pretty funny ... B
Aliens vs Monsters ... eh ... C
Angels & Demons ... not bad (but not DaVinci Code, either) ... B
Bedtime Stories ... kids movie that did NOT make me laugh ... D
Body of Lies ... diCaprio spy semi-thriller ... C+
Choke ... with Sam Rockwell ... A+ Loved it!
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs ... Good story with LOTSA food ... B
Coraline ... too dark for kids, from Neil Gaiman ... B+
Crank ... silly with Statham ... C
Dan in Real Life .. predictable ...C
DaVinci Code ... so Chuck will be ready for 'Angels & Demons' ... A
Deception ... Hugh Jackman & Ewan McGregor so it can't be ALL bad ... C
Eagle Eye with Shia Lebouf ... A
Fight Club ... a true classic ... A
Ghost Town with Ricky Gervais ... A
Greenfingers ... Sweet & funny ... B
Hot Fuzz ... Simon Pegg does Dirty Harry in the UK ... hilarious! B+
Hotel for Dogs ... with Elisha ... C
I've Loved You So Long ... Loved it in French with subtitles ... B+
In the Electric Mist ... based on book series by James Lee Burke "Dave Robicheaux" ... B
Inkheart with Brendan Fraser ... Dinner & a movie with Elisha ... B+
Julia & Julie ... chick flick - redeeming feature is Meryl Streep as Julia Child ... B+
Land of the Lost ... Stupid ... D-
Little Miss Sunshine ... because Chuck hadn't seen the classic!! A+
Mad Money ... silly fun ... B
Miller's Crossing ... Coen brothers ... B
Moon ... loved Sam Rockwell & Sam Rockwell in space ... A ** BEST OF THE YEAR **
Neverwhere ... actually a BBC 5-part show by Neil Gaiman ... A+
Night at the Museum 2 ... a funny kids movie that made me laugh too ... B+
Paranoid Park ... Thought-provoking... B
Pride & Glory with Edward Norton as NY cop... B-
Primer ... 2 guys accidentally invent a time machine - you really have to follow this one closely! ... B
Rachel Getting Married ... B
Right Outside Your Door ... Dirty bomb in LA (felt like a tv movie) ... C
Run, Fat Boy, Run with Simon Pegg ... Hilarious (romantic) British comedy with a couple scenes that made me laugh OUT LOUD! ... B+
Shorts ... kids fun with Elisha ... B
STAR TREK ... LOVED IT!!! A++
Sunshine ... SciFi ... C+
Surrogates ... Bruce Willis & scifi ... A
Taken with Liam Neeson ... C
Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 ... the original with Walter Matthau ... B+
Ten Things I Hate about You ... fluffy ... B-
Terminator Salvation ... It's nowhere near the first one, but I still enjoyed it ... B
The Bank Job ... true bank heist story ... B
The Big Nothing ... exactly. D
The Contract ... John Cusack & Morgan Freeman ... predictable yuck ... D-
The Informant! ... Soderbergh & Matt Damon - I'm still trying to figure it out... B+
The International with Clive Owen ... B+
The Mist ... a Stephen King story with a NON-SK ending ... C
The Sorcerer ... excellent thriller from 1977 ... A+
The Wire from HBO ... I watched the entire series from Season One all the way through... love it! Thanks Sherry!
Traitor with Don Cheadle ... C+
Transsiberian ... too slow & dull ... D-
Tropic Thunder ... F (Total waste!)
Up ... Pixar does it again ... A
Wanted ... Angelina Jolie & assassins! A rollercoaster ride! A+
Watchmen ... Exceeded Expectations! A
White Out ... a TV murder mystery set at the South Pole... C
Wolverine (the new XMen) ... at the drivein... Hugh Jackman ... B+
Yes Man ... pretty funny Jim Carrey ... B

2009 Books (37 of them)

"American Gods" by Neil Gaiman - I loved this story of what happened to all the gods immigrants brought with them to America A++
"Anansi Boys" by Neil Gaiman - I LOVE the way Gaiman tells stories ... A
"Bare Bones" by Kathy Reichs - I somehow missed this one in sequence (ohno!) ... B
"Death List" by ? Thornton? - reinforced my ability to skip entire sections and still know who-dun-it ... D+
"Devil Bones" by Kathy Reichs ... Gotta love Tempe ... B
"Everything's Eventual" ... 14 short stories by the Master, Stephen King ... A+
"Frankenstein series" #1, #2, #3 by Dean Koontz - I went back and re-read the first two books to better enjoy the grand finale of the trilogy ... B
"Girl who Played with Fire" by Steig Larrson - another in his excellent series - an absolute page turner ... A
"Girl with a Dragon Tattoo" by Steig Larsson - wonderful Swedish mystery interweaving multiple plotlines for multiple climaxes ;} ... B+
"Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls ... memoir of the opposite to my family ... REQUIRED reading! A+
"Good Omens" another by Neil Gaiman - Hilarious look at Armaggedon in a Monty Python kind of way ... A
"Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society" by Barrows & Shaffer ... a one day read (and it was a work day) - horrors of ww2 with sweetness of life ... B+
"Heart Shaped Box" by Joe Hill ... Stephen King's son wrote this excellent thriller ... B
"King of Lies" by John Hart ... typical legal thriller a la Grisham or Greg Iles... fairly predictable ... C+
"Lace Reader" by Brunonia Barry - Schizophrenia, suicide and not much story... C
"Lion Among Men" by Gregory Maguire - Third in his "Oz" series, this time about 'guess who'? ... B
"Lush Life" by Richard Price - a novel like "The Wire" was a TVshow A
"Mistress of the Art of Death" by Ariana Franklin - Forensic dr in 1150's England B-
"Mysteries of Pittsburgh" by Michael Chabon - his 'coming of age' story ... B
"Neverwhere" by Neil Gaiman - Exquisitely delightful look at what's under London's Underground ... A
"Odd Hours" by Dean Koontz ... Odd Thomas the 4th ... B
"Predator" by Patricia Cornwell - I think I read this just after we lost Anna - I remember snippets, but was surprised by the ending ... B+
"Scarpetta Factor" by Patricia Cornwell - surprised me with how much it kept me on the edge of my seat ... B+
"Scattershot" by David Lovelace - his memoir of growing up with four of five family members being bi-polar B+
"Still Alice" by Lisa Genova ... Wonderful. Excellent! A+
"The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb ... Heavy reading, physically and for the spirit . An epic story . Definitely NOT Lamb's finest ... C
"The Shack" by William Young ... NOT my usual choice of reading material, but Jessica insisted ... D-
"Under the Dome" by Stephen King ... A heavyweight epic that mixes "High Noon" with "Lord of the Flies" with "1984" ... loved it! ... A
"Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen ... Thank you Jessica for my delightful xmas present! ... A
"Yiddish Policemen's Union" by Michael Chabon - Another new favorite author - this is a wonderfully engaging book! A+
Stephanie Plum Series - 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 - Hilarious, fun reads ... B+

2009 xmas day

2009-12-26T20:17:00.004-05:00

Sorry for poor photography. It was early. And christmas. My bad. Elisha's DSi.

JB says Elisha's like Hugh Hefner - in his robe and pjs. teehee... This was E making sure he would get to see his Nana & Papa on christmas. He proceeded to run the show and throw the party. Charades, Pictionary, I Spy... The boy knows how to PLAY!

2009 elephant & xmas eve

2009-12-26T20:06:00.005-05:00

Elisha's first professional theater performance, as an elephant in "Jungle Book Kids" production, December 21, 2009. The cutest elephant EVER! That's him, third from left, looking to his right for some reason...

Here - Christmas Eve - as Elf #1 in charge of package distribution!

Are these two not the cutest on earth!!! Check out Jes' heels! I hated them at first, but I kinda like them now. As long as I don't have to wear them!

Elisha's display of loot!

christmas cheer!

2009-12-25T22:10:00.003-05:00

I will have to say this is definitely the best christmas I've had since we lost Miss Anna. I have laughed ... I have spent good, quality, FUN time with my most precious Jes - and with Elisha - and with my sister - and with the always lively Shelton crew - and with my sweetheart. I heard - and listened to with all my heart - Elisha tell me he loves me and know that he means it (makes what's left of my heart warm right up!). I was given the BESTEST xmas present by Jes & her JB (I GOT THE WII & WII FIT!!!) ... I have gift cards to shop with, and I got an overly generous gift from my parents... My sweetie actually looked at the list I gave him, and he did great! Since I've been out of work, I've gotten lots of well wishing cards and emails and facebook messages.

THANK YOU. Thank you all.

I've tried to explain how I've felt by describing a little rowboat tied up at a dock on a lake. (I'm the rowboat in this story.) It's not the greatest or biggest or newest rowboat, but it is reliable, and dependable, and it does what it's supposed to do. In my sadness and depression, I have perceived the rowboat coming untied at the dock and drifting out into the lake - out where it can easily be capsized by waves, out where no one knows it or cares for it.

Well, tonight I feel cared for. It's not just the presents (although they're really really GREAT!). I feel cared for - I even feel as if I have my very own boathouse to keep me safe and comfortable. Thank you, Jessica and Elisha and JB. Thank you Mom & Dad. Thank you Chuck (especially for being such a good caretaker in my convalescence). Thank you Sis. Thank you Sheltons for including me - for making me laugh - for knowing my pain and sharing yours - and STILL making me laugh.

I love you all. Merry christmas.

Almost christmas...

2009-12-22T17:18:00.005-05:00

I do so love not having to go to work. This is the longest I've gone without an alarm clock since I was about 15 years old on summer vacation. After that, there has been a job, or a baby to care for keeping me from my beloved dreams.

Left to my own devices, I tend to go to sleep around eleven or twelve, then to sleep til eight or nine in the morning. I have been waking up all snuggly warm under the blankets while it's really cold in the house (no need to be paying for heat if nobody's awake to use it!). I lie there and think about how I'll spend my day - what has to be done - which projects are on the top of my list. I absolutely LOVE doing this. After I wake up, some days I stay snuggled for ten minutes, some days I stay for an hour - thinking. Just thinking. It is the best thing about being out of work. The ability to think my thoughts as long as I like.

Today my thoughts concerned christmas 'to-do' - including a walmart run for a short list of last minute recipe ingredients (and Diet Dr Peppers, in case of snow!). So after getting up, I headed to walmart with list in hand. Thankfully, it wasn't busy but after wrangling a buggy, and trudging all the way to the back of the store (where they keep my drug-of-choice), I was exhausted! Completely pooped! I got the sodas and a few dairy items, then I had to sit down on one of those old-men benches at the end of the grocery aisles. I was conscious of looking like the really old folks who make it look like WWII battlefields getting through the store. That's kinda how I felt. I told myself to just keep going - you'll make it! The very idea! It was JUST Walmart, for heavens sake! Checkout was speedy (hooray) and I made it back to my car. And sat. And rested. Apparently, I'm not as recovered as I thought I was. ... I have stopped taking the pain meds, since I'm usually okay. Nighttime is the only difficult time - trying to get my stitches and bandaids situated comfortably. ... Apparently, I need to get out and get used to moving around more. ... Apparently, I'm not twenty anymore.

I've been doing a lot of reading and crocheting and DVD-watching --- none of which are known for their cardiovascular highlights.

But show me someone who has made such a pretty scarf while power-walking? or exercising?

Next week, I will get back to taking walks. Maybe.

Snow 2009

2009-12-19T10:03:00.002-05:00

This was from last night when it was snowing so hard and fast. Of course, Chuck is loving the cold and the snow and couldn't wait to get out in it today - has shoveled my driveway and my front walk -- which is a good thing, so the mailman can bring me my next DVD of "Fringe - Season One" that I'm watching (I love Netflix).

The ruler says 6 inches. I figured it was our most reliable measuring device.
The wind was blowing like crazy last night. Here's my car - under the carport - covered by the blowing snow. What fun!

Recuperation projects

2009-12-12T10:53:00.002-05:00

Surgery went well. Now I'm concerned I won't have enough time to do all the stuff I wanna do before I have to go back to work Jan. 4th 2010. Seriously! I've started Stephen King's Under the Dome - it's Massive! And there are so many crochet projects to make while watching/listening to movies - both on netflix cd and on instant netflix! Plus I have to play solitaire on the computer and take naps! and taking a shower is an event for me right now - careful!! And there is xmas shopping to finish (love Amazon.com). and more naps! And doing the "old man shuffle" to get around. I lost my voice for a day from the tube down my throat during surgery. Sure was quiet around here! And did I say read and naps and games magazine puzzles?

The season has begun... the bad & the ugly

2009-11-28T20:51:00.003-05:00

The dreaded season between Thanksgiving and NewYears has begun.

I find myself waking up around 4 in the morning and lying awake - thinking and thinking and thinking... things like: how am I going to afford christmas? how am I going to afford my real estate taxes? what on earth can I get my mom & dad? wonder how my surgery is going to go? how much will they make me pay up front for the surgery at Duke? what should I get Jessica? how am I going to afford christmas? and on and on... then I'll move on to my list of life failures: the multitude of ways I failed Anna - how I failed Jessica - what a rotten mom and grammy I am ... how selfish I am...

I don't "wish I'd done that differently" about stuff. It's done. I did what I did. Most of which was wrong - but I did it and there's no changing anything. I didn't realize I wouldn't have the time to "make things better" for Anna. I was just making it day to day. I didn't know my days with her would run out too soon.

4am turns into 6am. I still lie there with my thoughts flying around like 2yearolds running remote controlled airplanes. Zoom! Why did I do that? Zoom! What a mess I made of everything. Crash!

Ida believe the river's up...

2009-11-14T14:17:00.002-05:00

Leftovers from three days STRAIGHT of rain from Ida... This one is from today - the sky is some funny color? Blue???

These are from down on the bike path by the river. The path is closed (obviously) as it's under a coupla feet of water.

miscellaneous

2009-11-13T20:30:00.002-05:00

dreams - I've been remembering a lot of my dreams lately. I haven't been sleeping all that well, waking up a lot which is why, I suppose. Today was my Duke appt - but I woke up at 3a.m. two days ago in a panic "I forgot to go to DUKE!!!!!" and it was probably a full minute before I got awake enough to tell myself to calm down. Also - my last trip to Duke was 22 years ago - I had to have an amniocentesis when I was pregnant with Anna. I guess my subconscious has been pulling that back up, because I've dreamed I was back in those days several times. Once I was back in the house we were living in back then, with that husband. In another one, I was in the car with that husband back then and we were driving. In neither dream did the man talk - at all. Which was normal (he's not a conversationalist) at the same time being a good thing - when he does talk to me, it drives me mad. And there's a snippet of a dream with Anna and Jessica running around the backyard like they did when they were little - it was a sunny day - that was a very warm dream-ette.

nanowrimo - November, the month of writing a novel, is upon us. I spent the month of October trying to come up with an idea. Characters. a plot. I thought about books I enjoy reading - a wide spectrum including fantasy, sci fi, stephen king's horror, neil gaiman, michael chabon. My favorites are extremely well-plotted, normal-guy-in-extraordinary-circumstances stories. I don't have a story. I don't have any extraordinary circumstances that I want to throw characters into. I like to read. No - more than that - I LOVE TO READ. I surrender my idea of being the next Stephanie King. I can devote my energies to the books I love without wishing I could come up with some idea. It's kinda like the way I can watch the cooking shows without thinking I should be Top Chef. I feel relieved.

travel thoughts - I've spent many hours on the road lately. We took a pre-Duke trip last Saturday to find out where we were going. Then we went down for the real thing today. At this stage in my life, I'm comfortable with silence. There was a time when I thought every minute had to be filled with talk, how are you FEELING?, what are youTHINKING? Now, I am perfectly happy with long periods of just road noises. I like being able to filter through all the random crap that flows through my brain. This bf likes to drive, so I get ride for a change - which is great. I have voyeuristic tendencies, because I love looking in lighted windows, seeing what's going on in other people's lives - wondering who they are, how they live. I have to go back to Duke for pre-admit stuff on Dec 3rd, and I'm looking forward to the ride.

thanksgiving - what's the plan? tacos, anyone?

Happy Howl-o-ween

2009-11-01T17:28:00.003-05:00

E is John Lennon (not Harry Potter like crazy old Grammy guessed!)

My absolute favorite trick-or-treaters!

Those Richardson/Bradshaw kids sure are handsome/lovely.

See - hint hint, the peace sign...

Okay - HINT HINT - See Jessica's shirt!!

Thanks for coming to visit me!

As promised... books on shelves

2009-11-01T17:23:00.002-05:00

Finally, I put my boxes of books up on my "made for me" bookshelves on either side of the "new to me" TV from my folks. Ya-hooo!
I've been watching football downstairs on that TV since I can actually see the ball. I find my attention drifting to how super the shelves look, and how great my room has finally come together. The flood was July 9th, and today, I'm done.

Me vs. the medical community...

2009-10-30T10:39:00.002-04:00

My frustration with the medical system is at an all time high. I feel like a ping-pong ball sent back and forth between doctors, with increasingly dire diagnoses, and patient care coming to a basic halt. I’m so very frustrated at what’s happening and NOT happening to me.

The chronology –
April 9th Annual OB appt – Dr Lahti sent me to Dr Mahmoud due to increased hormone levels (no big deal)
June 23rd Appt with Dr Mahmoud was cancelled – no one contacted me to reschedule – I found out the appt was cancelled when I called to confirm the appt.
Sept 15th Rescheduled with Dr Mahmoud who sent me for blood work
Sept 30th Dr Mahmoud’s concerns with blood work results, ordered CT Scan & sonogram; Sent me back to Dr Lahti – now concerned with “mass” on left ovary
Oct 28th Dr Lahti’s concerns to send me to Duke
Nov 11th Consultation appt at Duke OB/Oncology dept

After speaking to the Duke OB/Oncologist office, surgeries are backed up with liklihood of any possible surgery AFTER Christmas. I realize nothing can or will be done about this. I’m just terribly frustrated. If I could remove the ovary, I would. If there were a WalMart surgery, I’d have it. Just take it out NOW – why make me wait two or three months – to give whatever it is plenty of time to spread? How am I supposed to feel about this? Furious and frustrated - which are my emotions of choice. I need to take a deep breath and get over it.

Mabry Mill

2009-10-27T18:48:00.002-04:00

Unlike me, my bf thinks we should actually DO something on the weekend. To me, "doing nothing" is perfectly acceptable pasttime for Sundays. There are football games to watch, naps to take, popcorn to munch while watching football games in between naps...

This past Sunday, he talked me into going up to Mabry Mill on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Sounded like a good plan - he was going to drive, so I could still nap if necessary. Since Sunday was the NASCAR race in Martinsville (which was on our way), we played "How many state troopers can you count?" - much like "I Spy" only easier, because they were everywhere. In less than an hour, we had passed five of the sneaks lying in wait for unsuspecting speeders.

To get to the Mill, we had to go up Lover's Leap. For those of you who haven't had the immense pleasure of driving up a mountain, back and forth on severely sharp curvy steep roads, let me say that it made me sick. Thank goodness, I never got all the way seasick, I got a constant yucky headache that made it more 'enduro-driving' than fun. The Blue Ridge Parkway is well known for the beautiful foliage displays. I think we missed them by about two weeks. Ohwell. A leaf is a leaf. Here's the Mill. {I confess, with my head hurting as it was, I felt like, BIG DEAL!}

The bf was great about stopping at roadside stands. We never did buy any of the pumpkins, apples, gourds or gi-normous cabbages. And forgot all about finding the yarn shop I was supposed to be looking for! I am glad we went and enjoyed a lovely, clear, crisp fall day. Especially after the half Dramamine I took - I slept about four hours straight. Now THAT's a good nap!

Elisha turns SIX !!! All PHOTOS

2009-10-20T18:38:00.007-04:00

Elisha celebrated his SIXTH birthday in grand fashion at Chuck E Cheese. I think we had Jessica's fourth or fifth birthday party at the very same Chuck E Cheese. Was that just yesterday my girls were so little? ... At any rate - we all had a great time!

E with his PaPa,

Hattie, Adam and Zane at SkeeBall... Hattie LOVED the ChuckECheese car ride!

Mikayla's face did NOT stick like this, thank goodness!

Purple Cast Power ON, Jes!

His most favorite gift - an iPod preloaded with BEATLES music!

Happy Happy Happy Birthday!

New room!

2009-10-19T13:04:00.002-04:00

No picture yet, but yesterday was the first day I've spent in my "den/living room" in months and months. First, I rarely turn on the heat for the whole house & just use a space heater in my room - so it's COLD in the den usually which discourages prolonged visits. Second, my TV died in that room. It was a bigger screen than my little TV in my room, and the room is too big to see a little screen across the way. Then, in August, there was the Flood and everything got moved OUT of the den - carpet and old brick were torn up - new wood floor went down.

That was September. Now, my folks are heading to Florida for the winter, and I've been awarded custody of their TV (they plan on getting a new one in the spring). I'm not sure how big the screen is - like 32" or something like that? Yesterday, the bf & I went and got the TV and brought it to its new home. We hooked it up and spent the day watching football. And I can actually see the FOOTBALL! The bf brought down the boxes of books and knick knacks I had on my shelves before the Flood. Now I just have to put stuff on the book shelves he made me, and I have to get a new lamp. Then I will be SET! Amazing.

As we sat watching the games yesterday, it was like I was visiting somebody else's house. I've never had the furniture arranged like this. Haven't spent much time there since the new floor was put down - other than passing through to the kitchen. It's like I have an entirely new room. I like it very much, but it's absolutely NOTHING like the room was when we initially moved in 10 years ago. Dark depressing panelling has been painted lemon, carpet & brick are gone, new floor down, new furniture (that the bf made for me - 2 tables, 2 bookcases). It's a very weird feeling. I don't know how long it will take for the space to feel like home, but I'm intending on enjoying it. You're welcome to come see - the bf says you'll probably want to bring your Snuggly blanket with arms. (Hey - I didn't say I was gonna turn on the heat!)

latest craftiness

2009-10-14T18:53:00.002-04:00

The weather turns cooler & I pull my crochet stuff out again. Study through my crochet books and magazines - play through my stash of yarns. I found this pattern for a hotpad holder and thought it was lovely. Mine? Not so much, and I doubt I'll make it again.
http://www.crochetmemories.com/archive/lorettasstarbursthotpad.html

And I made several more of the double sided scrubbies/potholders to use as coasters on my new living room furniture. I just can't decide what I should do next? I've got a baby blanket hibernating quietly in the corner - nobody's pregnant right now (I think that's a good thing). Oh well, it's definitely one of those things where the journey is the fun part - and deciding where/how to start the journey is where I am now...

Rainy day musings

2009-10-12T14:08:00.002-04:00

I love not having to go to work. There's something absolutely WONDERFUL about waking up knowing the day belongs to YOU.

I spent part of it driving Miss Jessica which was a wonderful way to get to spend time with her. I've thought about it a lot, that I don't know how to have a relationship with my grown-up daughter. While I love my mom dearly, ours is not the relationship I'd choose to have with Jes. I struggle between wanting to participate so much more in her life, to wanting her to experience her independence, to just feeling like a 3rd wheel being in the way. So I throw up my hands and try to answer "YES" whenever she calls or asks for my help or opinion or whatever I can offer. When I think about how I love her, the answer comes back, "Fiercely." I know that I will do whatever I can, whatever she needs unquestioningly. Kinda like a backup quarterback ready to step in at a moment's notice to run the show. I'm usually happy with the situation, and hope she is too.

I finished up "The Hour That I First Believed" by Wally Lamb today. I started it back at the beach, and it's quite the heavyweight read -- very dense, filled with history and characters and mental illness and ups and downs and on and on and on. I think the book could've used a better editor - so much is included that neither informs the reader or characters nor advances the plot. In places, hundreds of pages could've been summed up in a paragraph. Which is probably why it took me so long to slog through to the finish. It was not as good as either of Lamb's either two weighty books. I remember loving every twist and turn of "She's Come Undone." Not this one - although it combines Civil War nursing with the Columbine massacre. I'm glad I finished and looking forward to the next read I pick up. Maybe it will be Steig Larrson's next one. Or the Philip K. Dick reader (birthday g/c booty). The only guarantee is that it will not be another doorstopper like this one.

Beach Vacation Pics

2009-10-06T19:28:00.005-04:00

When I win the lottery, I'm gonna be a beach bum. I will be brown and not care that my skin looks like leather. I will read ALL the books I want to read. I will listen to the ocean as I read and turn brown. I will play in the ocean with the fishes. I will be calm and peaceful every day.

I will share my sunshine-filled days with my sweetie. I will master the ability to take a picture of both of us by sticking out my arm with my camera.

I will wear my "I'm Grumpy Because You're Dopey" hat.

I will have great birthday fun. I will get presents (like my DelSol earrings and necklace).
I will have great fun. Just like we did on our vacation!

Vacating

2009-09-26T17:29:00.002-04:00

Why is it that wherever I go, I always see Anna? I don't see my parents, or my sister, or Jessica or Elisha. Occasionally I will see an Ashley - the hair, I suppose, is so striking.

But there I was relaxing on the beach, trying to decide whether to pick my book up again (finished "Lush Life" by Richard Price today - very good... started Wally Lamb's "The Hour I First Believed" doorstop giant of a book, already loving it) - okay - should I read? or go stand in the surf? or take a nap? or take a stroll? or go play in the choppy waves? When there she was. Anna. Pre-puberty Anna. She was enjoying herself, going between looking for shells, skipping through the surf, and generally being lovely.

Is it that I'm always looking for Anna? I don't think so. I just see her everywhere. My heart stops beating when I see her, then starts up again when I see whatever it is that reassures me that, "No, that's not Anna." I see her walk. I see her hair. I see her lanky body going from little girl to young woman.

Today's Anna was with her family - mom, pop, and a sister/friend. They looked so happy together. I remember how easy it was - whatcha gonna do next? I found myself having to stop myself from going up to the mom to say, "Is this your daughter? Do you know what a treasure you have? Why aren't you holding her right this minute? Hug her!! Hold her safe - right NOW! Do you appreciate every minute you have with her? Do you know how fast this family you have could be gone? DO YOU KNOW!??? " But I figured I didn't want the lifeguards to call the cops on the crazy lady on the beach. So I just sent the mom my message by ESP.

I wanted to hear the Anna's voice too. But I was too far away - and didn't trust myself to get any closer. I wondered if she sounded like Anna too. I wanted to talk to her. And say... what? "Hi there! I'm a crazy woman on the beach. You look just like my daughter, Anna. My beautiful Anna. That I don't have anymore. Can I hug you and see if it feels like hugging her did? See if you smell like she did?"

But I didn't do any of those outwardly looney things. I just sat there on my blanket being insane in my head. It's a lot safer that way. Angry at myself for still being like this. Every where I go. So I wonder, would it be better or worse if I didn't see these phantom Annas? Probably worse not to see her. Because in some small way, even though it stirs up all my sadness and grief and loss, I did connect with her today. Somehow, for a very short while, I was as close as I will ever get to my Anna again. {Please keep you 'wait til heaven' bullshit comments to yourself.} Even though this wasn't MY Anna, she was today's Anna. And I suppose I'm grateful for that after all.

Beachbummin`

2009-09-25T20:58:00.003-04:00

Hello from Myrtle Beach! Geez, it's been about 12 years since I was down here & it has changed. We're in South Myrtle - below where the pavilion used to be (it's gone!). We're on the 16th floor of our hotel (Compass Cove) - the place boasts something like "26 water features!" -- there are 2 lazy rivers (which Chuck calls "Geezer River" because I like to get in and just float around with all the other 'seniors') plus there's a big kiddie pool, two outdoor pools, an indoor pool and the rest of the "water features" are hot tubs. But it is a nice place.

Played in the ocean today. Every time I'm floating over waves, I remember playing with Sherry down here when we were kids - fishes swimming between us on the float. I think one of my happiest childhood memories is of the long afternoon we had down here when it was barely raining, and Sherry & I and a bunch of other kids made dams and lakes for the tiny fish. That was such a perfect day. Water was calm this morning, then got choppier this afternoon - was fun playing. I did the "geezer river" after I figured I'd gotten enough sun for the day. Not burned tonight anyway.

We did the jumbo seafood buffet last night (burp!)... just a burger tonight. Tomorrow being Saturday, we're having spaghetti in the room - figured all the restaurants will be packed. I think we'll go to Olive Garden Sunday for my birthday... unless something else changes my mind, which is a distinct possibility.

I love vacation. I hate working. It truly sucks to work 50 weeks a years just to have two measly weeks free. But I'll take what I can get right now.

I had a dream...

2009-09-23T10:37:00.000-04:00

Last night I dreamed I had a baby boy. He looked just like my girls looked at about six months. That was no big deal - In My Dream - It was all about getting up a wacky uneven set of stairs where each stair-riser was different, from really short to five feet high, and I had to climb with the baby (in a baby backpack thing) up the stairs for the pediatricians visit. In the dream, I was thinking, "Man, why did they have to make this so freakin difficult?"

So the moral of the story may be the uphill climb this week to my vacation. For a change, I'm having NO problem with reaching Escape Velocity - I'm there, I'm ready..... only 9-1/2 hours left to work before I go (not that I'm counting)

The Wire

2009-09-06T22:12:00.003-04:00

My sister knows me. She knows me very well even though we're not as close as we used to be. She told me I had to watch "THE WIRE" - HBO's cop show. Eh... I thought - another 'Hill Street Blues' or CSI or Law & Order or The Shield --- I wasn't that enthused. She insisted.
So I started with the first episodes from Netflix. That was months ago.

Tonight I watched the last episode. I watched the 'extra behind the scenes' stuff on the DVD too. I thought about watching the last episode again. There were five seasons of the show, and I watched them all (in chronological order, of course - because I'm obsessive about stuff like that). I laughed out loud. I shed a few tears. I felt outrage, shame, empathy, shock, sadness, loss, and I came to care about the characters. The 'good guys' (?) were the cops, usually, or sometimes. There were good cops, teachers, newspaper people, social services, soup kitchen, AA leaders, just ordinary everyday people trying to be 'good' more than they were 'bad.' And the bad guys. I cared just as much for them - their damaged souls - some unrepentently bad to the core, but most just trying to survive in their world.

The one constant, ever-changing character was Baltimore. The show made me want to move to the city. A big-city, small town. THE WIRE went to the `hoods, to city hall, to the blue-collar docks and union halls, to newspaper rooms, classrooms, churches, jails, barely habitable slums and tenements stealing electricity from another building through an extension cord hanging across an alley.

I think the brilliance of the show was in the writing and characters. The characters all had redeeming traits. The cold-blooded killer reserved his most fierce murder on a child molester. I really rooted for the addict trying to stay clean. I cheered when the lone wolf gunman stole from the cruel drug dealer. I shook my head at the cops doing the wrong thing to achieve the right results. I laughed at the small-time hood glad to go to jail to get away from his nagging girlfriend. I gasped in shock when a main character was gunned down - drug deal gone bad, I thought. One night I shouted at the TV: "NO! You can't kill him!" But they did. Never a dull moment. You're never able to walk away from the show - you WILL miss something.

If you haven't seen THE WIRE, there is nothing better out there. I doubt there will ever be a television program that combined gritty truth of life with outstanding performances and the best writing ever. I know it took me a long time to watch, but I always knew there was more WIRE coming. Something to look forward to. Now what?

Thanks to HBO for allowing the show to go the places it went to - good, bad and often very ugly. Thanks to THE WIRE people for doing such a great job. Thanks to my sister for insisting. She was right.

First days of school

2009-08-24T23:24:00.003-04:00

I am excited about Elisha's first day of school. I know there will be photos - smiles - nervousness - maybe a tear or two... I remember how it felt to send a baby off to school - what if she needed me? Here is Anna's first day of school...
And Jessica's first day of school from my scrapbook...

I miss my Anna so much.

Floor day 3. Hopefully Final

2009-08-12T18:57:00.003-04:00

After a monumental meltdown earlier today, I am okay. The floor guys hadn't been here when I got off work this afternoon - I assumed (I know, I know) that they had blown me off. So I called and was a total looney. They came. They finished. It's beautiful. I guess it will take me a while to really realize I've got my house back. The whole process has been emotionally exhausting for me, and I can't wait for the weekend so I can really relax and enjoy it. It's done. Finally.
You'll notice a distinct lack of furniture. That's because I got rid of the junk that just didn't go anymore. I now need lamps and rugs. My bf promises to make me end tables and a book shelf / entertainment center for the living room to match the coffee table he made me.
Or else, I'm going with the simplified Asian theme. Yeah, that's it.

floor day 2

2009-08-11T21:21:00.002-04:00

i am so freaking exhausted. i have nothing good to say right now. maybe tomorrow they will be finished with the floors. i hope they clean up after themselves tomorrow because I've spent hours cleaning tonight. i am at the end of whatever rope i have. maybe on just one strand of it. maybe just on one fiber of one strand. i've yelled at everybody tonight. i only wish i'd had something to hit, because i just feel murderous. my inner rage that i keep leashed so well is boiling over - i'm sure because i'm so tired and anxious - why doesn't make me feel any less furious.

there's flies in the house because the doors have been kept open so much. i hate flies. no, i don't even have a fly swatter.

i am very close to running away. far, far away. i'm tired of being responsible and hardworking and doing what i'm supposed to do and keeping my rage and fury to myself. perhaps i need a job testing boxing gloves... i'm tired of crying two tears and making myself stop, because the dam is breaking.

i am tired of saying that tomorrow will be better.

It Is Hot. Very Hot.

2009-08-10T17:22:00.004-04:00

It is hot. So hot, my hand is sweating on the desk when I move the mouse. Hot & miserable, and all I can hear is "cha-ching, cha-ching" in my head as I keep going back to Lowe's at $150 or more a pop.

But anyway - Today is Floor Day - Part One. My living room is done and the kitchen/dining room are started. Finish that & do the 2 bathrooms tomorrow. But for now...

Before:

After:

Much better. So glad I had the panel walls painted a couple of years ago, because now I don't have to worry about matching wood, etc. So far the floor looks pretty good against all my kitchen cabinets - but I'll know more tomorrow.

Damn, it's hot!

Halloween Costumes

2009-08-09T20:23:00.004-04:00

Ashley and Jessica have given me and Ramona quite a bit of grief over our lack of Halloween costume pizzazz when they were growing up. Ramona and I agree 100% that if you can't make a Halloween costume out of a black graduation gown or a trash bag or a cardboard box - well, you're just not creative at all!

Our kids did their trick-or-treating without store-bought costumes. One year I did spring for dollar store pom-poms and both my girls went as cheerleaders. (I added construction paper letters to complete the ensemble.) Jessica was a robot one year (cardboard box covered in aluminum foil with multi-color stickers) -- little Anna was a bunny that year (construction paper ears taped to a pink hooded sweatshirt, with a cotton ball on her butt). Ramona's threesome were various monsters and vampires, but my favorite was construction worker Josh with his five o'clock shadow (gotta love makeup!).

I've said all this, because I know that all five of our children would've LOVED to have had this handmade knitted costume.

NOT!

Sunday

2009-08-09T20:12:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow is the big day. My new floors will go down. I am so excited - so tired of the house being in a turmoil. Everything is so disorganized now, and I will admit that I am enough of a control freak (no!) that it is driving me crazy. Today, I cleaned all my kitchen cabinets. I didn't clean them OUT, I just cleaned every cabinet door, the facings, inside and out. Whew. I didn't want yucky dirty cabinets with my beautiful new floor.

My floor guy is supposed to be here at 8 in the morning. I will be at work, but my bf will be here to give me regular progress reports. Tomorrow is my 'early leave day,' so I'll get off work at 2 in the afternoon. I don't want to get here early and just stand and watch the guys work. I want to walk in to my lovely new floors. I bought a new rug for my bathroom today to get in the mood. I forgot that I'll need a Swiffer duster for myself, and a rug to put at the door so no one will track dirt in on my floors. I've made Jessica and Ashley Swiffer duster washable, reusable covers. Now I've started on one for me! Today is one month since the water line burst.

To mark the celebration - here is another cause for celebration this summer. Jessica's new house! Her first meal in her new house! And friends and family joining in.

Ha! Two days in a row!

2009-08-08T16:25:00.002-04:00

Here I am again. Two days in a row. Not a new world's record, but impressive nonetheless.

Today, my fella and I drove to Greensboro to see the new movie, "Moon." It's out in limited release, and the closest location in Virginia is Charlottesville - over two hours away. It is an excellent movie, and I am baffled by the ridiculously slow release process Sony is using.

The movie stars Sam Rockwell who is one of my favorite stars. His characters are usually clever and smart-assed, just a few steps off the beaten path. They're interesting and come across like normal guys. Okay - maybe normal guys with several screws very loose, but mostly normal guys. The premise of the movie is that earth's energy problems have been solved by mining helium on the moon. The moon station is automated except for one guy - one lonely guy serving a three-year contract. His only companion is a HAL-like computer, "Gertie," voiced by Kevin Spacey. After the set-up, we enter the screw-loose phase. I was completely captured. I loved it and have two big-ass Thumbs Up! It's easily my favorite movie of the year, and I will go to the movies here to see it - IF it ever gets here, that is. Go see it. Go now -- I'll wait.

Challenge

2009-08-07T10:43:00.002-04:00

I’ve been thinking about my writing. “What writing?” you ask.

“Exactly” is my response.

I keep telling myself that I really want to write. But I don’t. My blog-friend, DixieGirl, aspires to write as well. She inspires me too. Each November, she joins “National Novel Writing Month” or NaNoWriMo. There’s a website and lots of information, encouragement, etc. When you sign up, you are agreeing (with yourself, essentially) that you will write a certain number of words toward your novel. There are few actual requirements – the real requirement being the determination and tenaciousness to write – to write every day, to make it your habit.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

I’ve read somewhere that doing something for seven days tells your brain it is a habit. Of course, this was given in the context of “Make your bed for seven days…” or “Do the dishes…” or “Exercise for seven days….” I’m thinking WRITE. Write every day for seven days - a month.

Do I have a novel in me? I used to think so. Then we lost Anna, and I closed off a chunk of mySelf – maybe my novel was in that chunk. Do I have the ability to write? Probably. Do I have the determination to write daily for a month? Doubtful. I fizzle out at exercise after a week or so. A project needs to be completed in a short time or risk being consigned to the “finish sometime later” stack. As a confessed child of the “instant gratification” generation, I freely admit that long-term goals have never been my strong suit.

So. What does that mean today? Where am I going with this? What’s the point? Well. I think I am going to try and commit to writing every day for the rest of the month of August. Today’s the seventh - what will I write for the next 24 days? Movie or book reviews? Memoirs? Rants? Current events? A short story? Chapter One of the Great American Novel? Chapter Two? The great and prolific Stephen King has achieved his status by writing – every day. He has long considered it his job to sit at his desk and write. He works at it. I think somewhere in my head, I see “a writer” who spends two or three days a week writing for a few hours a day – the rest of the time is spent lounging by the pool, taking long walks working out the finer points of intricately plotted stories. Or J.K.Rowling sitting in a pub scribbling away her wonderful world of Potter. F.Scott Fitzgerald. Maya Angelou. Ernest Hemingway. Or Janet Evanovich who writes the Stephanie Plum books – they’re not “serious” literature, but they’re fabulous fun and endlessly enjoyable to read. And I've read that everyone has at least one book in them.

Perhaps we'll just see about that... (daily topics, suggestions, critiques WELCOME!!)

update

2009-08-05T13:27:00.003-04:00

Nothing new to report. Floor is still a mess. Hopefully that will change next Monday & I will have beautiful photos of my downstairs. Fingers (and toes and eyes, etc) crossed.

I had been waiting to have a week with no crises to report, and it appears my string of rotten luck has ended. Elisha and I went to see the latest Harry Potter - I enjoyed it, and Elisha enjoyed squirming and wiggling and flopping his seat down for 2-1/2 hours.

Otherwise, nothing much is going on. Just waiting for the house to get back to semi-normal. With my dining room in the living room, and the living room in several different places, and a general mess all over... the glue that remains on the bathroom floor seals your shoe every step you take - which is a snowshoe-kind of feeling. I just want it back to normal. Or as close to normal as I get. My insurance will be covering most everything - I have a $500 deductible (ouch!) to pay myself.

Next Monday. Surely, I can make it until then. Surely?

If it weren't for bad luck...

2009-07-17T10:32:00.001-04:00

"Gloom, despair and agony on me-e!
Deep dark depression, excessive misery-y!
If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all!
Gloom, despair and agony on me-e-e!"

Those of you old enough to remember “HeeHaw” (the climax of 1960’s Saturday night TV that started with “Lawrence Welk” and “The Porter Wagner Show”) will remember the folks in bib-overalls sitting around sharing their stories of bad luck and no luck. They were funny stories because they were happening to somebody else. They were silly stories like the blonde being trapped in a sinking convertible sinking because she couldn’t get the windows down. Ah, comedy.

However, I’d have to say that my past ten days or so would’ve qualified me for a spot on the show. Of course, I’d start with the burst water hose last Thursday. That disaster caused me to lose hot water for nearly a week. I’ve had the disappointment of not being able to choose to put a wood laminate floor throughout the downstairs. When I thought the floors were drying out as needed (thanks to constantly working dehumidifiers and fans), I was told my existing linoleum kitchen floor will have to come up as well, because it is not drying out as it will have to before the floor is re-covered.

My main source of relaxation has been my increasing obsession with “FarmTown” – a silly little farm simulation game on Facebook. And yes, I’ve been wasting far too much time playing (and letting my stress slip away). Then I turned up on Tuesday with the “Koobface” virus on my computer and spent several frustrating hours trying to fix that. I WANT MY FARMTOWN!! I have to check my crops – my rooster – my pig & sheep!!

Then came my Thursday night out with the most handsome fellow in the world. I picked up Elisha from daycare, and he went with me to my haircut appointment. He thought the beauty shop really smelled bad (it smelled like perms), but he enjoyed watching me getting my eyebrows RIPPED out. From there, he chose our restaurant – McDonalds. After loading up on carbs and fat grams and grease, we headed out to my car. I pulled out of the parking spot and pulled back INTO the parking spot – realizing I had a flat tire. Hmphf. I called my bf repeatedly with no answer. Hmphf. Who could I call to help me? Here’s where being a “helpless female” causes problems. I knew I couldn’t change the tire. It’s been about twenty years since I tried unsuccessfully to change a tire (PapaDoc, Ramona’s daddy, saved me then). Hmphf. In the heat. At least two hundred degrees with Elisha jumping around – “can I see the flat tire?” “why is it flat?” “I’m thirsty!” So I called Jessica’s bf, James. He came to my rescue. I’m not really good at the damsel in distress thing, but he sure is great as the knight in shining armor. He fixed me up (dry-rotted valve stem on the tire!!!) and sent us on our way.

Additionally, the company I work for is possibly/probably (?) declaring bankruptcy today (Friday). Not being one of the executives who makes millions, I am concerned for my future employment and financial situation!

Sigh. So now I have now yielded to more experienced minds explaining that laminate just cannot hold up to the moisture in a bathroom. Okay – I can go with that. My contractor will put a ceramic tile in the bathroom, but I’m going with laminate throughout the rest. Apparently something I did made the computer virus go away, because last night I was able to get back to my serious online farming, thank goodness!

Blanche DuBois may have “depended on the kindness of strangers,” but I have relied heavily on my bf and Jessica’s bf this week. I am greatly in their debt. Here’s hoping I’m moving out from under the black cloud of bad luck, so they can get back to whatever knights in shining armor do when they’re not rescuing damsels in distress. Fire-breathing dragons had better watch out!

Splish ... part 3

2009-07-13T15:47:00.005-04:00

Today's Monday - the flood was Thursday (just call me Noah). In the best news yet, the brick is gone, leaving a nice empty spot adding many square feet of floor to my room. Yippee.

splish splish, part 2

2009-07-10T10:51:00.006-04:00

The day after the water. LUCKY FOR ME I had already planned today as a vacation day to go to a waterpark with the bf for his birthday (yesterday). We decided to postpone the trip til probably Sunday. Honestly, I've had enough waterslides for a day or so.

Yesterday I did exceedingly well. I maintained a positive, cheerful outlook, almost excited about getting rid of that carpet I've been hating for so long. Yesterday was my bf (boyfriend)'s birthday, so we went out to dinner. On the way, I was telling him, "Boy, back in the old days, this emergency would've had me crying and sobbing and miserable. I bet Ramona can just imagine me falling apart over the crisis! But I'm fine - no problem at all!"

True, until I went to take a shower last night. Yesterday was a humid day, and I worked. Not like I usually do, in a lumbar-supported computer chair. I moved boxes of stuff to higher ground. I scooped water up in whatever I could find. I soaked and wrung out towel after tower after towel. I sweated. I splashed in water for hours. Last night, I was tired and the adrenaline rush of diving (no pun intended) into a crisis had long gone. I got ready to step into my shower, and the water never got hot. I realized the water had put out the pilot light in the hot water heater. I went to bed stinky and sticky and in a very foul mood with only a cold sponging off. This morning I tried and tried to get the burner to light, but it wouldn't. After using up my vocabulary of bad words (in new and innovative combinations!), I called the guys helping with the water damage and asked for help. The burner is shot (which I just had replaced in February or March of this year). And naturally, there are none in town - it has to be ordered. Hopefully it will be here by Tuesday. LUCKY FOR ME I can go to the bf's house for a shower.

We had a scare when I went to wash a load of stinking, soaking towels I used yesterday. It had appeared the washer was ruined, but LUCKY FOR ME the bf got that going again. Also, when they were working in the laundry room yesterday, they knocked down a bunch of clean clothes I had hanging up, so they got stinky and soaked too. Now I can wash them. In cold water, but they will be clean. Fingers crossed the dryer still works.

I have reached my limit of crises, however. Today I have cried and cussed and screamed. Naturally, none of those things helped a bit, but at least I felt like I was DOING something. Gone is 'Miss-Happy-I'm-Getting-New-Carpet." She's been replaced with 'Miss-I-will-cry-on-you-if-you-tell-me-one-more-thing-isn't-working' or her evil twin 'Miss-Get-the-Fuck-Outta-My-Face-Right-NOW!'

On another less smelly note, since I will be getting new flooring downstairs (and I haven't decided on what yet), the bf is taking up the brick that was laid under the woodstove that I got rid of a dozen years ago. So when the new floor is put down, that yucky brick won't be there. You can see it in the photo below - it's what the bicycles are sitting on. I've been wanting to get rid of that since the woodstove left.

Jessica has been stressing over how to replace some floors in her new house. She has offered free advice summaries of all the advice SHE has been given. On the one hand, I have wanted to put down wood laminate flooring throughout the entire downstairs forever. Dust mop and done. On the other hand, whatever I get will be going on ancient tile over concrete. The surface is not completely flat. So I should go with carpet. That's my mom's vote - a Berber with good pad under it. So what do I do in the kitchen then if that has to come up? I don't want carpet in the kitchen? So I go back with inlaid? They don't make me near as happy as the laminate does. And what about the stairs? If I put down new carpet downstairs, the old carpet on the stairs will look like shit - will that have to be replaced too, even if it wasn't water damaged? Or is that out of MY pocket too? And how long am I going to be in this house anyway? It's way too big for me now, and I truly want to downsize, so I don't want to invest a lot of $$ in a floor i won't be enjoying. So that means carpet. Or not. At times like these, it does NOT suit to be a Libra.

At least I know that I can take a shower tonight. If not at the bf's, then at Jessica's. That's something.

Splish Splash

2009-07-09T19:46:00.003-04:00

I had a lucky day. Really I did.
I put two little rugs in my washing machine to wash this morning before I left for work. They were still going as I went out the door. Unknown to me, the water hose from the house to the washing machine burst. It started spewing water full force. Nobody home to watch the pretty waterfall.
LUCKY FOR ME my fella drove by my house about two hours later. He saw water pouring onto my carport and figured I'd left the garden hose on by accident. LUCKY FOR ME he came in and turned off the water. LUCKY FOR ME he called me at work and said, "You need to come home NOW!" LUCKY FOR ME I was able to leave work immediately and come home to manage damage control. LUCKY FOR ME my homeowners insurance is paid up. There was about four inches of water standing on my downstairs floors/carpet. Squish Squish Squish!

LUCKY FOR ME I called a company to come and get the water up. They were here in thirty minutes or so with shopvacs and dehumidifiers and big fans. They took up the carpet because they said it would never dry out (it's on tile-covered concrete).

Here's the new look for my den... LUCKY FOR ME I get new flooring downstairs.

I should play the lottery - it's my lucky day!

Delicious Dilemmas

2009-06-28T10:05:00.008-04:00

What to do... what to do....
It's a delightful Sunday morning with so much nothing to do. There are books to be read ...

And I got a special deal on this cotton yarn at Hobby Lobby. What should I make of it?

It'd be a great day for a bike ride on the River...
It's just too much fun to THINK about it to actually DO anything!

The delicious pleasure in a day with nothing to do

Source material

2009-06-25T10:31:00.004-04:00

I've been asked where I get my eclectic reading list. I'd have to say Amazon.

Amazon has a nifty "Wish List" feature that lets you add things you see in Amazonland to your wish list - whether books, movies, clothes, food, etc. My Wish List link is below. Feel free to shop for me there. (LOL) Amazon also has a handy feature that lets you see where other shoppers went after looking at an item. It says something like, "People who viewed this item, also liked ....." I love to follow those links and see where I end up. Amazon has discounts on books that you can find 'buy3 -get one free" that's fun to surf.

I also get weekly emails from Amazon, Borders, and Barnes & Noble that list "new and notable" or other suggestions. And I love to browse in bookstores. Actual brick & mortar stores with rows and shelves of books - the smell of new books!!!!!!

Here's a cool website: http://www.fantasticfiction.com/
This site has an exhaustive list of authors and their books - in chronological order, AND in order by character in series. I love to read series fiction, but I hate to miss one and get out of order! Horrors!!! Another neat thing at this site is that lots of authors have THEIR recommendations. I love Stephen King, so on his page at fantasticfiction, he lists some of the authors and books that HE likes. And I'm off on another quest to find interesting reading material.

For me, Amazon gift certificates are the perfect gift. The highlight of last Christmas was the day AFTER Christmas which I spent hours trying to combine my gift certificates with bargain promotions and sales to get the most from my Wish List. That was so much fun. Almost, but not quite, as much fun as opening the box when my order arrived!

http://www.amazon.com/wishlist/DWWIATKD8JF

And P.S. I did go back to page one in the "Yiddish Policemen's Union" - I'm just not ready to leave the world of the Sitka Jews.

Workday Blues

2009-06-24T19:52:00.004-04:00

I am sad about work. Work. Where I spend the majority of my waking hours. Where if you'd asked me six months ago who my best work buddies were, I'd've said, "Marsha & Summer!" Where my 'special project' is mostly over and it's back to fighting for scraps of actual work to do with the rest of the hungry puppies. Where I keep trying to figure out, "Why am I here?" I know that I'm vastly under-employed with no chance of any real advancement, because I just do NOT like ass-kissing at this stage in my life. I have entered the stage of life called, "Get fucking real!" I know that I used to work to support my family - to provide for my daughters. Now that's not the reason anymore, and I'd like someone to support ME for a change. I'm sure that part of my malaise is that I see people laid-off all around me. They're doing okay. Their unemployment is stretching to fit. I don't know anybody losing their home (thank goodness). I would absolutely love a month - or two - or even three - without having to hear that alarm clock at 5:50 in the morning and thinking, "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO WORK!"

Summer was laid off a while back (and immediately had alternate full-time employment). Today was Marsha's last day - she's quitting to spend time with her husband this summer while he's off work, then hoping to find something part-time this fall. I am SO going to miss her - her sense of humor, her comfort, her no-nonsense advice.

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Whatcha been doin`?

2009-06-21T10:00:00.005-04:00

I've been reading a lot lately. A lot. It's either been raining or burning-in-hell-hot around here. Although I list the books I've read in the column to the right, I've got more to say...

My current read is "The Yiddish Policemen's Union" by Michael Chabon. WOW! I am so totally engrossed in the story and characters. The initial premise is "What if the European Jews were not able to establish and settle Israel after WWII - and what if Roosevelt gave them an area in Alaska to settle?" Chabon got the idea for the story after coming across a "Common Phrases in Yiddish" book and wondered where on our modern earth would you need a Yiddish phrasebook? Because Israel was settled, Hebrew became the official Jewish language. But what if??? The book totally immerses you in this world where a murder has occurred, and our very flawed protagonist is the yid, Detective Meyer Landesman. His world has many of the same problems as our world: drugs, violence, divorce. I am completely loving this book and dreading "The End."

My last book was also set in a familiar alternate world. "Lion Among Men" by Gregory Maguire is the story of the Cowardly Lion of Oz fame - how he became 'cowardly,' what his life was like before and after his brief encounter with that Dorothy girl. Maguire writes with a very dense style that I felt like I was slogging through in the beginning, but it became easier to read as I let myself fall back into the world of Oz. Reading "Lion" made me want to go back and read Elphaba's story again - "Witch." It remains one of my favorites.

And then there was "Still Alice" by Lisa Genova. It reads very much like a biography, but it's the fictional story of a woman who discovers, at age 50, that she has early-onset Alzheimer's. Her life as a Harvard professor of linguistics, as wife and mother is marching to its inevitable end. The book roped me into caring so much for Alice, her plans to avoid the end-stage disease, her husband's reaction to the diagnosis, her children's way of coming to terms with her new and damaged self. Loved this one too.

Happy Father's Day & Happy Reading!

P.S. I finished my book this afternoon. I think I may turn back to Page 1 and start again!

Green Thumb

2009-06-09T20:17:00.018-04:00

Back in May, my sweetheart & I decided we would plant our "garden" like the 'Topsy Turvy' hanging gizmos on TV -- only we wouldn't spend the $20 a piece for each one. We decided on 5 gallon buckets into which he cut 3 holes each. We planted two varieties of tomatoes and two kinds of peppers in the buckets.

We started out hanging the buckets from the front edge of my carport - but they were hard to reach to water, so he built a frame.

In addition to the tomatoes and peppers in the buckets, we experimented with one tomato plant coming out the side of a 2-liter soda bottle. That one has grown like gangbusters!

I also planted basil, oregano and cilantro, some watermelon and cantelope, and cucumbers. They're doing great too - I've already made salsa twice with my very own fresh cilantro!

We've moved the frame to try and get the most sunshine on it every day. I think we've lost two tomato plants and one pepper plant - whether from the shock of planting upside down, or something else - we don't know. The others are doing great.

So here, in true "Where's Waldo?" fashion, are our first two tomatoes. Can you find them?

They're not quite ready for eating, but I'm excited anyway. For our experimenting purposes, the first tomato came out on the plant in the soda bottle. Go figure!

Happy Birthday Anna

2009-06-08T00:22:00.002-04:00

Today, June 8, 2009, is Anna's 21st birthday.

I'm asking you to take 20 seconds (I timed it) to sing her "Happy Birthday" sometime today. And to remember her with a smile.

Thanks -
Jenn

for
Anna Michael Bryant
June 8, 1988 to December 31, 2005

Sunday Mornings

2009-05-31T10:44:00.003-04:00

I like Sunday mornings. I like the lazy, don't have to be anywhere, don't have to do anything feeling on Sunday mornings.

My sweetheart does NOT sleep in. He likes to get up and get going. However, he has learned enough about me to know that I like sleeping late. Especially since my weekday alarm clock goes off at 5:50a.m. so I can be at work by 7. It's a treasure to get to sleep until I wake up naturally -- until my body says, "Okay, that's enough." On Saturdays and Sundays, my first words are not, "I don't want to go to work today," like they are they other five days of the week. On weekends, my first words are mumbles as I smile to myself knowing I can go back to sleep.

I've had near arguments with people who get very self-righteous about getting up in the morning. Gung-Ho! Time's a-wasting! The early bird gets the worm! A sunrise is a beautiful thing! Don't waste your day in bed! Get up! Get going! Fine. I don't need a worm - the early bird can HAVE the worm. Leave me alone, I'm going back to bed.

Whether or not I sleep is another discussion altogether. It's a delicious feeling in my comfy bed: nice clean sheets & blankets to wrap up in, my bookshelf beside me filled with favorite books and covered with various crochet threads and yarns, projects in process, photographs and drawings. The window is open just behind the headboard, sometimes the birds and beasties outside are so loud it's like a jungle. I get breezes and green outdoor smells, sometimes the crisp, cool rain smell. When it's hot, my ceiling fan keeps air stirring. My bed is without question my favorite place. It's where I spend my non-working hours, where I watch TV and movies, read, cry, think, indulge my passions. I like sharing my bed, having someone to talk to and play with there. Everything I need is nearby me there.

Sunday mornings are best. My sweetheart goes to his church, and I'm free to do anything I like. Sleep til noon. Watch a movie I know he wouldn't like. Read. Search through my crochet books for my next project pattern (neverminding the in-process litter around me). Lie there and think. Think about things I want to do or things I have done - some make me smile, some bring guilt and shame and heartache. Think about books I've read or movies I've seen and how they made me feel. Think "what if" - what if Anna were still here, where would she be, what would she be doing? what if I could travel, where would I go? what if I didn't live paycheck to paycheck, what would I do?

Before I know it, my Sunday morning is gone - my alarm set for early Monday morning - only a few hours of my-time left.

Go slowly Sunday mornings, please go slowly.

Another day

2009-05-30T17:40:00.004-04:00

I just finished reading Still Alice by Lisa Genova. I still have tears in my eyes. The fictional story is of Alice, a woman just turned 50, a Harvard professor of psychology and linguistics, a wife and mother of 3 grown children, and her diagnosis with early-onset Alzheimer's disease. Heart-breaking. Absolutely heart-breaking. And the most terrifying novel I've ever read - because I kept saying, "That could be me." You've gotta read this book.

My tears are closer to the surface than usual lately. You'd think I would learn that the weeks between Mothers Day and Anna's birthday are horrible for me. For some reason, this morning I launched into a long monologue directed at Chuck of some of my blurry memories of the days and weeks just after Anna left us. I had to keep saying, "I barely remember this..." and "I was in a fog when this happened..." Those first days and weeks are hazy, at best. I suppose that's a good thing, because if those days were in focus, if they were sharper or clearer, I would lend more importance to them. As they are, I tend to dismiss the memories of those days as pain-filled, dark gray hours I endured.

I remember Ashley feeding me chicken salad sandwiches. I remember looking to Ramona and Cindy for direction. I remember standing on the carport smoking a lot. (I miss smoking!) I remember people I know coming to visit - one at a time in my head, not as a group. I remember my mom and dad being there, my sister - everybody trying not to lose control for fear of causing an avalanche of emotion. As if it could be held back by force of will.

At any rate, Anna's 21st birthday is next Monday. I want to mark the day in some special way, and I open suggestions. Anyone wanting to take me on a cruise is encouraged to contact me ASAP!

Did I write that line?

2009-05-22T13:25:00.002-04:00

I'm reading Dean Koontz' "Odd Hours." This is the fourth in a series about a young man with unusual, although not always helpful, qualities. Here's a sentence that jumped out of the book, smacked me upside my head.

"Since the bullet-shattered day in which she died, I have lived a life I don't need."

And if you're on Facebook, you may (or may not) have seen this same entry on my Facebook page. I don't really get Facebook - who cares what I'm doing moment-by-moment of the day? Nobody. And Twitter seems even more useless - I've heard it described as an "instant message community." Okay. No thanks. What do I need with that? I suppose I am here in blogland, because this is how my brain works - spewing stream of consciousness commentary on a world that probably just doesn't give a damn. Okay - fine. I don't care if you read or not. But if you do - this is what I think. I enjoy the idea of leaving my "dear diary" open to today's page when I feel like writing. I have enough voyeur in me to enjoy the idea of other's peeking in on me. So hello there. Or not.

Did I write that line for Koontz or what?

Volunteer Day - 2009

2009-05-18T14:56:00.010-04:00

The company I work for allows us to take one day a year to volunteer - with pay. That's a nice thing.

This year I went with 3 friends from work to help the Danville Salvation Army lunch feeding program.

I think before this, the most people I had helped feed was maybe 20 or 30 at funerals, reunions - that kind of thing. Today, we prepared lunch for 100 and fed about 80. Our menu was meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and cookies.

We started with twenty-five pounds of hamburger, 3 green peppers, a bag of onions, a loaf of bread plus some rolls, etc. etc. etc!!!!! WOW!

Marsha, Lilly, Debbie & I did as we were told, mixing and stirring, then plating and serving, then cleaning up.

My fella has been volunteering at the Salvation Army for a while, so he made sure we didn't screw up too bad. We all ended up having a great fun day - we felt like we did something worthwhile that helped people who needed it.

We worked "harder" (more physically) than we do every day at our computer desk jobs - and our hearts were happier at the end of the day.

P.S. Don't get the idea that I need a mop bucket or anything for a birthday present! (Been there, done that - had the temper tantrum!).

ZooDay

2009-05-18T14:21:00.008-04:00

Saturday, my fella & I took Elisha to the NC Zoo at Asheboro. It was a nice, overcast day - good zoo weather. Their website says "no food or drinks allowed into the zoo." That's not true. We SHOULD have taken water and snacks in - AND we should have taken the stroller for Elisha. Jessica said, "He did fine in Disney" so we wouldn't need the stroller. Well - at Disney, there's lots of stuff to stop and do - you don't just walk and walk and walk - see a zebra - walk and walk and walk - there's a lion - walk and walk and walk. Poor Elisha probably feels like I drug him through the zoo! But we had fun seeing all the "relatives" (my parents always said "There's some of YOUR family!" at the baboons, elephants, etc.).

We figured out how Elisha got "hatched"!!

And everyone loves a nice cool shower!

Most of the animals had my idea of a great Saturday --- NAP!!!

All in all, we had a good day. It was fun spending the day with each other. But I don't need to go to the zoo anytime soon again. Next time: SNACK & STROLLER! (for me!

Preschool Graduation 5/8/09

2009-05-10T10:40:00.005-04:00

Elisha has graduated preschool. Quite the milestone. We were all so very proud of him - so handsome in cap and gown - so sweet with ready hugs for all his admirers who love him so.

The Real World ... yuck.

2009-04-24T12:58:00.004-04:00

Walt Disney World is a truly magical place. I love it. Apparently, I go every ten or twelve years (not exactly a frequent visitor) - but my feelings are always the same: absolute, child-like delight around every corner. There are so many things to see - places to go - fireworks to watch - food to eat - music to hear - flowers to see and smell. I don't believe in heaven, but if I did, it would be like Epcot in DisneyWorld. Our one day NOT in Disney was spent at Clearwater Beach, FL - my first time on the Gulf side of Florida. I played in the water, watched the kids have fun, got a great sunburn. Happiest moment while I was in Florida: when James surprised Jessica. Happiest moment back in NC and VA: when Chuck surprised ME at the airport after protesting that he just couldn't meet our flight - that he had a church picnic to go to - that he didn't know the area - that he'd see me when I got home. I had given up hope of a surprise, decided I wasn't as important as a church picnic, sighed and resigned myself to riding home with Jes & Elisha, Mel and Noah. And there he was. I've heard some cliche about a heart bursting with joy or something like that ... my heart didn't burst, but came near to overflowing with happiness. Apparently I AM as important as a church picnic after all. {picture me with GIANT GRIN!} He continues to shower me with attention and affection, care and tenderness. Not sure what I did to deserve him, but I'm hanging on!

After rejoining the real world at work Monday, my special project all finished, I was floundering for something to do & my boss seemed not too concerned. The reason for that, I found out Tuesday, was that management was laying off fifteen people from the facility where I work. I was very close to two of those let go, and I'm very sad about that. I miss them and their smiles and craziness that helps the workday pass. Jobs were shuffled around to cover the loss of three people from my department - and I wound up with my old job back. Full circle. ho hum.

I am trying to figure out a way to post Florida pictures here - or at least link to them. I took over two hundred photos myself (plus Jes and Lesa and Mel taking pictures too!). There are many shots of the Epcot geodesic sphere, because you just can't HELP taking pictures of it! And Cinderella's castle looms in most Magic Kingdom shots. This is the URL for my Disney album at Snapfish:

http://www2.snapfish.com/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=378342022/a=316592022_316592022/otsc=SHR/otsi=SALBlink/COBRAND_NAME=snapfish

Me and Mickey

2009-04-14T13:13:00.002-04:00

Having a Magical Time in Disneyworld. It is nearly impossible not to have a Goofy grin on your face all the time. So wonderful here - to be with family - loving my Jes & Elisha!

Springing along

2009-04-07T17:58:00.005-04:00

I love the way the world goes from gray to green in spring. The weather goes from hot to cold on a daily basis, but trees are starting to get leaves, flowers are coming up, and the winter is on its way out. At last. And in a week I'll be visiting my old pal, Mickey Mouse! It's been a while, but I'm sure he'll remember me.

I've been reading like mad - my latest favorite author is Neil Gaiman. I've read and loved three of his books so far. Also read "The Glass Castle" by Jeannette Walls - the memoir of a family as different as any American family could be from my own. An amazing story. I've been going through "The Wire" from Netflix - I'm about to watch the final DVD of Season Four. One more season to go & I'm dreading the end. I have been listing and grading the books and movies for 2009 in the sidebar to my blog - if you're wondering.

My honey continues to be outstanding in many many ways. It's been three months now, and I'm enjoying myself so very much with him. I admit to holding back a part of my heart - after the fiasco last year, I don't want to let myself get hurt like that again. But he doesn't put on airs, or try to be something he's not, or try to impress me with unimportant accomplishments - and my radar hasn't told me he's lying to me. He's a nice guy with a kind heart and we seem to be so compatible. Fingers crossed on this! I will miss him fiercely while I'm off carrying on with Mickey Mouse, but it warms my heart to know he'll be here waiting for me to come back. He puts up with me, and he has me out bicycling and hiking, and he tells me I'm beautiful. We go visit my friends and he fits right in. We went to the Carolina Craftsman show in Greensboro last weekend and had a great time together. He makes me happy every single day.

New SpringWidget

2009-03-15T11:27:00.001-04:00

Get this widget!

Schizophrenic March

2009-03-15T10:59:00.007-04:00

Go figure with March... Snow one week --- followed by a weekend in the lovely 70s --- followed by a weekend of solid, non-stop rain. It's enough to make you wear a swimsuit under your sweatsuit and winter coat and hat and gloves!

Remember how one day I came home from work and found a wonderful coffee table made just for me & delivered by "TableMan" (because "Table Fairy" wasn't manly enough) ?? WELL! Apparently TableMan has a sidekick - or an alter ego - or he's as split-personality as March is, because I came home to a newly mulched front yard one day this week. And all because I mentioned that when it warms up, I need to mulch my yard. Then it magically appeared, all raked out and covering just where it needed to be. TableMan - MulchMan. Geez - I'm loving it!

My folks are back from Florida (just in time for the snow) - and I spent last Saturday visiting out there, doing a fashion show with my sister of my mom's best yardsale & consignment shop finds. Naturally the thing that intrigued me most was a crocheted potholder / scrubber / something that's doubled up - therefore stronger than a single layer. Unable to figure it out in my head while I was out there, I went straight to the Internet at home for directions. It's really simple to make. So I've made two. Here's the link to the directions:

http://myboringblog.wordpress.com/2008/01/23/crochet-potholder-pattern/

Other than that - I'm seriously loving my job. Don't tell anybody there or they'll decide to reassign me to something different. I find my mind is totally absorbed in problem solving - working out puzzles all day long. This is a good thing for me, because people who're doing our regular work find that it is like a streambed drying up - they run out of work by 9 in the morning, and it's "make work" and "look busy" for them. I am truly fortunate to have been given this assignment. But, like I said - don't tell anybody!

Feliz Cumpleanos, Jessica!

2009-03-04T16:43:00.007-05:00

What an eventful week! Mom & Dad came home from Florida and brought snow back with them. The weather folks say we got 4-6" - not sure, but it's the most snow I've seen in years. It came down Sunday night & Monday - made everything beautiful & I took a snow day!Enough snow and ice melted so that we could have Jessica's Grand 24th Birthday Fiesta! She made her "list of demands" clear so that we'd all know what we were expected to do for her birthday. And we had a great time!

The Sheltons all came and brought yummy food (Melanie & Noah brought a really tasty guacamole) - so did Ashley and her girls - my folks - my fella & Jes' James - Amanda & McKenna & her mom. We had a great time! As specified, there was the donut cake, mariachi band and presents. Have you ever seen such a handsome & talented Mariachi band? Lesa says they are "Dos Nietos y Un Muchacho." Plus a ventriloquist's dummy and Joe.

The return of the "snowbirds" signals the end of winter - but what an end to February and start of March!

Blowing out the lighter since we couldn't find any candles ...

This is one of the bruises the intrepid birthday girl got sledding the day before.

As the Mariachi Band sang, Happy Birthday & MANY MANY more filled with just as much laughter and happiness and love!

Catchin` up

2009-02-21T13:52:00.003-05:00

Last night, for the first time in at least five years, I put on my dancin` shoes. My fella and I went out dancing on a Friday night. And we had a BLAST! So much fun! While we were out there boogey-ing down, I realized the song ("Staying Alive" BeeGees) was older than a lot of the kids out there dancing with us. And did you know they've done a mix with "Sweet Home Alabama" with a heavy dance beat? Go figure! So much fun. I grinned until my face was tired. He is really making me happy in a big way.

About a month ago at work, I was given a special nerd assignment. That's going really well too. I have "exceeded expectations" and have even heard the word, "Phenomenal!" I'm really enjoying it too. So that's going good.

Because I come here to whine about how pitiful I am on a regular basis, I figured I'd share the good. And today - it's excellent!

TableMan Strikes!

2009-02-18T16:27:00.003-05:00

Wow! Look what TableMan left on my porch today! (I was going to say "the Table Fairy" but it just didn't seem MANLY enough for such a super surprise!) I mentioned in passing to my fella that I could use a coffee table like the one he has, but a little different...

And WOW! I get home from work today to find my very own, hand made table - Just what I wanted! I am so freaking excited I can barely stand myself!

WOW! WOW! ... Okay - so normally I'm not at such a loss for words, but ...

WOW!

Valentine's Day 2009

2009-02-15T11:35:00.005-05:00

After many years of not having a Valentine, it sure is a wonderful, warm feeling to have someone special on the mushiest holiday. He sent me flowers to work (it's so much fun to show off when a delivery comes at work!!). Saturday we had a great evening in Greensboro. Although he'd promised we'd go to one of the SPECIAL McDonald's with a KidsPlay area so I could go down the slide, we ended up at Fuddruckers. Yumm-O! If I were a python that only eats when it's hungry - I wouldn't need to eat again for several days. Being a Yankee driver, he pulled a U-turn on HighPoint Road, no problem - which tickled me to no end. We went to Borders where I got two Neil Gaiman books - and to Priscilla's - and to Fifth Season for a drink, before coming back home. Definitely a Happy Valentine's Day to us!